Dear Snarky – I Broke Up With My Boyfriend Because He Sucks at Giving Gifts

Dear Snarky,

I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend and now I’m having second thoughts. We started dating a year ago just before the pandemic and we really thrived when some of my friends relationships tanked.

The reason I broke up with him is because he pretty much failed Valentine’s Day. Due to COVID we did a romantic dinner at my condo. My boyfriend brought the steaks and two bottles of wine. The problem was he didn’t get me a gift. He showed up with some flowers but they were grocery store tulips from Whole Foods not even from a florist.

The whole night I was wondering when he was going to give me a gift and it never happened. I was devastated. When at the end of the night he asked me what was wrong I told him that my love language was gifts and I was heartbroken he didn’t give me one.

He said he thought the expensive wine and flowers were gifts and I told him no that the wine and flowers cost less than eating out at a really nice restaurant for Valentine’s Day.

We got in big fight and it ended with my boyfriend telling me that his love language is “women who aren’t freaks about Valentine’s Day” and that’s when I broke up with him.

Now I really miss him but my mom says I did the right thing “because a man that won’t spoil you on Valentine’s Day when you’re dating is a loser and will be a husband who forgets your birthday.”

(That said, he didn’t do such a great job with my birthday either.) But now I don’t know. I really miss him and before Valentine’s Day I thought he was the one. He’s got a great job, is super nice, funny, handsome and has helped me fix up my condo even tiling the bathroom and kitchen for me. Should I try to get back together?

Signed, Worst Valentine’s Day Ever

Dear Worst,

No, you should NOT try to get back together. Leave this poor man alone. Frankly, I think he deserves someone who isn’t going to judge him based solely on his Valentine’s Day “performance.”

(Full disclosure: I’ve written a couple times about how I’m not a sucker for Valentine’s Day so my advice is going to be harsh.)

A man who can tile a kitchen and bathroom in my book outweighs someone who can go on Amazon and get you a “Forever Love” heart necklace for $79.99. But that said if you’re someone who celebrates their birthday month and has a “love language” of gifts then this man is NEVER EVER going to be the one who will make you happy and I have no doubt you would make him miserable.

As for your mom she sounds like her love language is bitch. Good Lord give me strength! She’s a parent and one would think she would be telling you to focus less on a boyfriend’s gift giving skills and more on his positive attributes like full employment and kindness (and yes his ability to tile).

I’m hoping that for your sake you mature out of this whole ridiculous “gifts are my love language” B.S. because material goodies while great for a social media post aren’t going to bring you any real or lasting happiness. And if you do find a man who is all about the presents please realize the excessive gifts could be acting as camouflage to hid some serious flaws.  

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – I Didn’t Make a Coronavirus Friend’s List

Dear Snarky,

I’ve been played by someone I thought was a really good friend. This woman has compromised lungs so she has been careful, or so I thought, about following a really strict coronavirus quarantine. I haven’t seen her in person since March 11 but we’ve zoomed, texted, talked and I’ve run lots of errands for her and dropped off food with notes just so she wouldn’t feel so alone.

 I recently found out that “my friend” has been going out to eat with other people, even to bars and  football watching parties for months. I was shocked because she led me to believe that she wasn’t leaving her house.

 I asked her why she was going out while telling me that she was staying home? Her answer floored me. She said that she was spending time with friends who were “worth risking getting the coronavirus for” and I “didn’t make that list.”

 I don’t even know how to begin to process this. Should I drop her as a friend? Was she just using me to get her groceries and run errands? Am I an a-hole for not realizing I was being used? I’m really stunned and need your help.

 Signed, Sad and Surprised

Dear Sad,

 Wow, that is cold blooded wrapped up in so much stupidity I’m almost without words. This woman sounds horrible. It’s one thing if she decided to change her mind about her stay-at-home procedures but having a whole “friends worth risking the coronavirus for” list is just all kinds of mind boggling to me. I wouldn’t worry about not making that list because apparently her lungs didn’t either.

 Right now, I would view this as an opportunity to cleanse your life of this so-called friend. To me the issue isn’t that you didn’t make her dumb ass list it’s that she lied to you and probably would have kept on lying until she was caught.  Don’t allow yourself to dwell on what happened instead think of it as a gift that now you know not to spend another second wasting your time on someone that isn’t worthy of you.

 I also don’t want you to beat yourself up over being kind to this friend. Even if she was taking advantage of your generous spirit by having you run errands for her etc. you didn’t know that. What you did was an act of friendship and that speaks volumes about your character.

 You sound like a very kind person and there are a lot of people right now that could use a friend like you. Don’t let this jerk make you question your inner goodness.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – I Want to Expose School Cheaters

Dear Snarky,

I ‘m OUTRAGED!  I’m friends with a mom who yesterday bragged to me over text that her son “aced all his AP exams.” Then she proceeded to tell me that he cheated – big time.

Our high school is virtual right now and this mom with literally no embarrassment told me that her oldest son who is pre-med and majoring in math at college took her high school son’s AP Calculus and AP Physics final exams in December.

Meanwhile, my daughter who is in the same class as the cheater took the same exams and did okay but she sure didn’t ace them.

I want to show the school the text this mom sent me and get this kid’s grades at the very least changed or make him re-take the final in person, at school with a proctor.

My daughter is 100 percent against me doing anything. She says it’s the schools fault for be so “tech lazy” that they make it easy for kids to cheat.

I’m really, really angry and feel like I need to let the school know what’s going on because it’s so unfair to the kids like my daughter who aren’t cheating or don’t have smart siblings that can take their AP exams.

What’s your advice?

Signed, One Pissed off Mom

Dear Pissed, Off,

I would definitely let the school know because if they are in your daughter’s words “tech lazy” they need to get their asses in gear before second semester final exams roll around.

To shield your daughter from any student drama or recriminations I would not tell the school the mother or son’s identity. I would be vague as in you know that there were college siblings that took their high school brothers and sisters finals. I would also tell the principal that the students see the school as being so backwards in their virtual testing that kids feel embolden to cheat.

I know you’re thinking “bull shit Snarky on that advice” because you want to expose these cheaters but really all you would be doing is making your daughter’s life m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e if it came out that you were the one that named names. I advise you without hesitation to put your daughter’s emotional well-being first.

Now, this sounds Pollyanna BUT the bottom line is that to take the national AP Exam in the late spring that is administer by the College Board these kids are going to have to know the material so they are right now only cheating themselves. (Yes, I’m aware that sentence is very dated but it still holds true.)

Cheating is a HUGE character flaw so please take solace in the fact that you are raising a child who doesn’t cheat. As for the mom who is proud and even boastful of her cheating sons well that tells you a whole lot about that family and none of it is good. I would certainly reconsider your friendship with this woman moving forward.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

 

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – The Most Cringe Worthy Letters of 2020

Oh, 2020 how we all long to see you go BUH-BYE.

To celebrate the impending departure of this super icky year I’m going to count down the four most cringe worthy, oh no she didn’t, are you kidding me – Dear Snarky letters of 2020.

Coming in at number 4 is Toilet Vacay Drama. I picked this letter not because it was outrageous but because it got a ton of comments on social media. Which if you think about it makes sense since this was the year we were all a little preoccupied with all things toilet related. (I’m talking to you toilet paper hoarders.)

The letter writer was upset because her sister wanted her to split an insurance deductible of $500. What happened is the letter writer totally ignored the instructions regarding a toilet while staying at her sister’s lake house FOR FREE and this resulted in the vacation home experiencing a flood.

I told the letter writer to pay her sister the money post haste and beg for forgiveness since her actions caused extensive damage. When I checked back in to see if this woman had taken my advice I got two words emailed back to me. I’ll let you guess what they were.

Third on the most outrageous list is the COVID Wedding Refund letter. A mom reached out to me because her 30-year-old daughter who had recently gotten married in a small but elegant ceremony asked her parents to give her the money they had saved from not throwing her the huge wedding she had planned pre coronavirus.

The parents told their daughter a great big NO and this caused the daughter to quit speaking to her parents and blocking them on her phone. The mom was worried about how to repair the rift and I told her to do nothing because her greedy daughter would circle back around – sooner than later.

Well, well, well, it turns out I was right – again. When I touched base with the mom she told me that her daughter had recovered from hearing the word NO and was now negotiating for her parents to fund a down payment on a new home.

Hmm, is it just me or do you think I’ll be getting another letter from this woman?

And how could any of us forget this letter where a younger sister was pretending that her older sister’s baby was hers to shake down a former boyfriend for money. Yes, this letter My Sister Pretended My Baby Was Hers is #2 on the list.

When the sister and her husband found out about this horrible deception they banned the sister from their life which resulted in the sisters’ mother being very upset that the ban would ruin family holidays forever.

My response was to stay strong and keep that ban in place because the sister sounds like she’s a double D – deranged and dangerous.  I reached out to the couple to see how the holidays went  and I’m happy to announce that the couple did take my advice and did not cave into family pressure to give the sister “one more chance.”

And now for the number #1 letter of 2020 based on all the comments it received. This missive was titled I Don’t Want to Share My Wedding Dress and concerned a woman who had recently gotten married in a one-of-a-kind designer dress and now her brother’s fiancee wants to wear it for her wedding.

But wait, there’s more because dear readers there’s always more – not only does her brother’s fiancee want to wear the bridal gown but she secretly tried it on (the gown was being stored at the bride’s parents house) and then posted pictures of herself in the dress on social media.

The new bride wanted to know what to do without causing family drama.

I told her that she should say she’s saving the dress to hand down to the daughter she might have someday – yes, a little white lie to shut this down.

But my smart Snarky readers had better advice after I published the letter. They told me that this new bride needed to take her gown and hide it so it would be safe from this greedy and overreaching woman.

I passed along that advice to the letter writer and I’m pleased to report that the new bride says her gown is now safe at a friend’s house 300 miles away. Yay!

All’s well that ends well and as we enter into a new year all I have to say is keep those letters coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – My Cousin Went Real Life Grinch On My Family’s Christmas

Dear Snarky,

I don’t know if I should be writing you or calling the police because I’m sure my cousin has stolen family Christmas gifts. It all started when my cousin who lives near most of my family  (mom & dad, grandparents, and two sisters) and who is working from home due to pandemic volunteered to be the address of choice for the delivery of Christmas gifts.

His reasoning was that because he is always at home the boxes could be delivered to his house and then he would make sure that they were given to the family members that also lived in town.

Apparently, there has been a lot of porch pirates in the area and he volunteered his home as a “safe space” for delivery.

My brother, who also, like me, lives far away, agreed with me that it was a great idea and we both used his address when we ordered presents online for family members.

Fast forward and my cousin is now saying he didn’t receive any of the packages although I not only have tracking information that shows the packages delivered but Amazon sent pictures of the packages on my cousin’s front porch.

When I confronted him with all of this he blamed “porch pirates” and said the postal service “lies all the time about deliveries.”

I know that it’s all total bullshit. How do I make him give family members their gifts? My brother is sure that he has probably sold them and wants to call the police.

This makes me sick to my stomach to accuse a relative of theft right before Christmas. I’m so torn up inside I don’t know what to do.

Signed, Devastated and Confused

Dear Devastated and Confused,

Umm, why is there even any question of calling the police? Your cousin needs his ass kicked. He went real life Grinch on you. Let’s put the gall of stealing from family on the back burner for a second and talk about what you need to do right now.

  1. Call the police and tell them what you told me. You and your brother each need to file a report.
  2. If you know any of your cousin’s neighbors ask them to please check their porch camera video and see if they show your cousin receiving packages and/or getting them from his front porch.
  3. Do a family SOS. Yes, that’s right tell your entire family what has happened and hope that the onslaught of shaming will make your cousin cough up the gifts that hopefully he didn’t sell.

Now as for your cousin – he is POS. I believe that he planned to take the gifts all along. Hence his offer and laying the seed that porch pirates have a been a big problem.

So, this means you show him no mercy. (Sorry, not sorry.) He planned and plotted to steal not just material items from family members but your Christmas joy and faith in humanity. (I’m this close to quoting that classic Dr. Seuss line about “Christmas doesn’t come from a store” but I don’t think it applies to when family members steal.)

I’m so very sorry this happened to you. Seriously, hasn’t 2020 sucked enough?

Try to stay positive although I know it’s going to be hard.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – My Mom Wants Me to Evict My Sister

Dear Snarky,

I have a sister and brother-in-law who are taking extreme advantage of my mom and dad. Back in April they moved into my parent’s house “briefly” with their three kids. Their reasoning for moving in with them is that they didn’t want my parents to be alone during the pandemic. They told my parents they would leave at the end of May once “things opened up.”

 Well, now it’s nine months later and my parents have become babysitters, homeschool teachers, house keepers, the supplier of all the groceries and of course they are providing them a place to live rent free! The kick in the ass is that my sister and her husband own a home and are now renting it out!!!

 My parents are over it and exhausted. My mom has asked me for help. As the oldest sibling and an accountant, she wants me to tell my sister and her family that they need to move out in 60 days – no matter what.

 I really want this to happen because my parents are worn out but I’m a little scared about how my sister is going to receive what is basically an eviction notice from me.

 How do you think the best way to proceed is?

 Signed, Apprehensive

Dear Apprehensive,

 I think the best way to proceed is for your mom and dad to put on their parent panties and tell your sister and her husband themselves. Let’s get real – your mom wants you to do their dirty work.

 I’m no soothsayer but here’s how I think this is going to play out. You’re going to tell your sister she has one month’s notice to move back to her own home. Then if your sister takes the news like the spoiled, manipulative, brat I think she is baby sis is going to run to your mom boo hooing about having to leave. Your mom apparently totally unable to say N.O. to your sister will then throw you under the bus and blame the eviction on you.

 The hard truth is that unless your parents start standing up to your sister she will continue to use and abuse their generosity. They could have said don’t move in or after a couple of months they could have said okay, it’s time to leave and they also could have set ground rules for how much of a financial contribution your sister and her husband needed to make to them. Same goes for babysitting, homeschool duties etc.

 I suggest telling your parents  – I will help you do this and I will be there with you when you have the “it’s time to leave”  conversation but I will not be the one riding shotgun on this issue.

 Your mom’s not going to like it but it’s time for your parents to quit backsliding and instead get a backbone when it comes to your younger sister. Remind them that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them and it’s never too late in the parenting journey to start saying no – repeatedly.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

 

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – My Mother Won’t Share Thanksgiving Recipes With Me

Dear Snarky,

What do you think about a mom who won’t share family recipes with her daughter? Due to the coronavirus our large family has decided to not celebrate Thanksgiving together.

This means for the first time in my life I’m not having Thanksgiving with my parents. So, I asked my mom for three of her recipes so I could recreate her sweet potato pie, sourdough rolls and corn casserole. She straight up told me no.

I was shocked. When I asked her why she told me that they were “cherished heirloom recipes” and that she knew if she shared them with me I would post them on Instagram and my cooking blog.

So, what if I do that? I have more than 10,000 followers on Instagram and I didn’t get those without posting recipes.

I don’t understand what the big deal is? They’re recipes not her social security number. I think she’s being highly unreasonable and mean but she won’t change her mind. She said the recipes need to stay in the family and have been handed down for generations and don’t need to become “blog bait.”

I’m starting to think my mom may be losing it or is jealous of me. What’s your advice on how to talk some sense into her? She’s not rational at all.

Signed, Recipes Wanted

Dear Recipes,

I am totally gobbling up this letter (sorry not sorry for that lame attempt at humor) and laughing because talk about manufacturing drama when there really doesn’t need to be any.

In a surprise to some I’m going to come out and say I don’t blame your mom. It’s her right as the matriarch to be very protective of what she sees as family treasures and to be not a fan of sharing them on the internet.

I know this may sound ridiculous but a lot of people are super possessive over things like this. My family got in a fight over a sugar cookie recipe. True story.

I will admit to being a bit amazed that you never learned these recipes. It appears you like cooking because you have a blog which makes me wonder why you were never in the kitchen during Thanksgiving meal prep. If you were I’m guessing you would already know the “secret ingredients.”

That said, I’m going to bet that you’re a very good cook and clever and that with some trial and error you could probably recreate these dishes and better yet give them your own flair. If you publish the recipes (and I know you will because I’m guessing that’s the reason you really want them) I would suggest saying they were “inspired by warm family memories.”

Do this and move on. It’s a dumb ass thing to fight about and I think you already know that.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – A Greedy Daughter Is Out to Fleece Her Parents

Dear Snarky,

I’m not sure you’re the right person to reach out to for advice because to be honest I only read your stuff for the laughs. It’s a little awkward to now be in the position to actually be writing to you but I usually agree with what you tell people so here goes.

 My 30-year-old daughter recently got married. Because of COVID it was a very small wedding. That’s not to say it wasn’t exquisite. It was just very intimate. Now my daughter has asked my husband and I to give her money we saved from “not throwing her a huge wedding.”

 At first we thought she was joking and my husband and I had a good laugh. Unfortunately, she’s dead serious. She even told us that by having a small wedding she saved us at least $40,000 but she would settle for $25,000.

 To say we were taken aback would be an understatement. My husband got furious and pointed out that we still spent a pretty penny on her wedding and that what we spent was what had been budgeted. There’s no extra money laying around.

 I told her that she’s a 30-year-old attorney and her husband is a 35-year-old executive and that they are at little too old to be asking for handouts.

 It got very heated and now our daughter is not talking to us. She’s even blocked both of us on her phone. I’m afraid the longer this lasts the harder it will be to heal the rift. Do you have any advice on how to move forward?

 Signed, Worried and Disappointed Mother

Dear Worried,

 Give me a second because I need to pick my jaw off the floor. Holy-Freaking-Crap that is some brazen daughter you’ve got there. That said I’m sure with those stones she’s an excellent litigator.

 To be clear a 30-year-old highly educated woman and her fast approaching middle-age husband who is also gainfully employed should not be trying to fleece their parents/in-laws. Because that’s  what this is – a fleecing.

 I don’t blame you or your husband for losing it. The greed and total lack of conscience and gratitude is alarming. Both your bank account and your feelings have to be feeling very raw right now.

 As for what to do to heal the rift my response is do nothing. That’s right, just sit tight because your daughter will come back around. It’s obvious that she’s having a temper tantrum and it’s also obvious that she’ll want you to do something else for her.

 My best guess she’s going to come back and try to negotiate for at least $12,500. Stand firm. It sounds like you need to establish some boundaries for your relationship moving forward.

 Also, and this may freak you out. But based on her actions I would never give her medical power of attorney or any power of attorney – EVER.  I don’t trust her and she seems to be very financially motivated in her dealings with you. I apologize if this has upset you further but I felt I had to point this out.

 Best of luck and remember you are not responsible for your adult child’s behavior! DO NOT beat yourself up over what she’s doing. It’s 100% on her.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – My Sister Pretended My Baby Was Hers

Dear Snarky,

I’m so angry at my sister right I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

I recently had a beautiful baby girl. My sister had been devoted to my baby and that made me so happy. We haven’t been very close for a while due to her making some really stupid decisions with her life and putting my parents through hell. But since my baby was born she has been with me a lot and seemed so proud of my daughter posting lots of pictures with her on Instagram.

Last week I found out that my sister has been using my baby to blackmail an ex-boyfriend into thinking it’s his kid to get money from him. All those pictures she was posting on her Instagram were just a way to make this guy and his family believe that my baby was my sister’s.

I found out when the ex-boyfriend AND his mom AND his two sisters came to my house to ask me if the baby was mine or my sister’s. One of his sister’s had been comparing my Instagram account with my sister’s and had her suspicions that the baby on my sister’s page was really mine.

When I heard this I got hysterical. I can’t believe my sister was using my infant daughter to get money from a former boyfriend! When I told my husband, he said my sister was banned from our daughter’s life forever. 

I totally agree but my mom thinks I should give my sister a chance to explain herself and she pointed out that this “ban” will ‘mess up every family holiday for the rest of our lives.’

What do I do? My gut tells me to stick with the ban but my mom is now pleading with me to not do this.

Signed, I Wish I Had a Better Family

Dear Better,

Let’s start with how you signed your letter. You do have a better family. The one you’re making with your husband and your baby. So, take great pride and solace in that fact.

Now onto your mother. It appears she has a history of making excuses for your sister and that, I’m saddened to tell you, is probably never going to change. The fact that after hearing how your sister used your baby – her granddaughter – to blackmail a former boyfriend for cash and your mom’s take away was basically don’t be mean to your sister because there goes Christmas dinner is beyond crazy.  Your mom, in my opinion, is as messed up as your sister.

As for your sister I totally agree with you on the ban. Your number one job as a mother is to protect your child and I think your sister has proven herself to be a threat to your daughter’s safety so in my book that means don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of our lives.

If years later with extensive therapy your sister proves herself to be worthy of another chance you could reconsider your ban. But for now, I think you and your husband have made the right decision and if your mom gives you any attitude tell her she can also be banned. Hopefully that will shut her up.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

 

 

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Dear Snarky – My Mother-In-Law is a Serial Liar

Dear Snarky,

 I’ve got a big gripe about my mother-in-law. She’s a huge liar about her adult children. But she’s sneaky about it. She doesn’t come right out and lie she hints and I’m about to hit my breaking point and feel like I need to call her out.

 The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she posted on both Facebook and Instagram that my sister-in-law was in medical school. This is how she said it: “Whose daughter just might be in med school?”

 Here’s the real deal she’s not. My sister-in-law is veterinarian tech. She doesn’t even want to be a vet. She’s loves being a vet tech.

 I don’t understand why she thinks it’s okay to blatantly lie about her kids. Her other recent whopper was that my husband was being recruited by multiple colleges for a coaching position. Except she said, “When you son gets recruited by Division 1 colleges for a coaching positions” and she showed a meme of a someone jumping up and down.

 My husband is a high school math teacher and coaches the baseball team for fun and the extra money. No college is looking for a math teacher to coach their team.

 I feel like the family needs to shut down her lying but both my husband and sister-in-law say it’s not worth the drama and that everybody know she’s lies already so no one believes her anyway. My father-in-law says, “she exaggerates but it’s harmless.”

 I don’t agree and need your advice if I should be the one that tells her stop it.

 Signed, I Don’t Like Liars

 Dear Don’t Like Liars,

 Perhaps you should post on social media – Guess who has a crazy ass mother-in-law?

 It’s obvious this woman has some serious issues and what she’s doing, contrary to what your father thinks, it’s not harmless.

 Besides spinning huge fabrications about her children’s life’s she’s also letting them know she’s not that proud of them. When she constantly embellishes their professions she’s telling them, “Yeah, I’m not happy with what your real career is so I’m going fib and let you know what I think you should be doing.”

 What she really needs is therapy to get to the root of the problem – why she lies? That said, as the daughter-in-law this is not your battle. It’s up to your husband, his sister and their dad to intervene.

 My best guess is that over the years they probably tried and it was such a cluster that it was easier to just make excuses and/or ignore the egregious lying.

 I’m not saying you should do nothing. I would definitely talk with your husband and his sister and urge them both to get help for their mother. I would also maybe even involve a professional in the discussion.

 What you can’t do is lead the charge. Your role should be one of support and gentle shoving to move the family in the right direction on this mental health issue.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉