Dear Snarky – I’m Feel Like I’m Being Harassed By My Church

Dear Snarky,

I feel betrayed by one of my best friends, my boyfriend of three months, and my church. My BF, BFF and I are all members of our church’s young adult group. This group had a meet up at a corn maze last weekend. As a group we decided to race and see who could find the center of the corn maze first.

I was the first one to the center (mainly because I had been to the corn maze a week ago with my family) and then I crouched behind some hay bales to jump out and scare whoever got there next. As I was hiding I heard my boyfriend and best friend enter the center of the maze and before I even had a chance to jump out they start going at it in the corn maze.

At first, I was almost frozen in place and then I just stood up and screamed, “Oh my God!” As soon as I screamed, other members of the church group ran into the center of the maze and I blurted out that my best friend and boyfriend were hooking up in the maze.

This made my best friend cry that I was lying and was “weirdly jealous of her to the point of making up stories.” Meanwhile my boyfriend just stood there like a turd and said nothing.

The next day, Sunday, at our church bible study the young adult minister pulled me aside and said that I should think about apologizing to the group for “my outburst” and that he was available to provide me with some counseling.

I told him I wasn’t sorry for my outburst because if anyone else had been in my shoes they probably would have done the exact same thing. Then I asked him if he had talked to my (now former) boyfriend and best friend about hooking up and he said the bible preaches forgiveness and it would be in the best interest of the group to apologize to everyone and then “pretend it didn’t happen.”

I just walked out of the church and then a couple of days later the main minister called me and said that I needed to show womanly grace and apologize to the young adult minister for “hurting his feelings.” Then after that I’ve started getting calls from other church members to “make amends” etc. etc.

I was raised to be a very religious person and follow the teachings of the church and now I’m not so sure. Any advice?

Signed,

Feeling lost

Dear Lost,

You can still follow the teachings of the church but I suggest you find a new one. The church you’ve described in your letter sounds like a living hell. From the young adult minister totally ignoring your feelings and just holy crap on providing you with counseling. Because yes that’s what you want in a counselor, someone who wants you to pretend events in your life didn’t happen. Gaslighting anyone?

Now let’s add in that the “main” minister calling you upset about the feelings of the young adult minister while not giving a hoot in hell about yours. What does the young adult minister have to be upset about? Was it the fact that you didn’t kiss his ass and do what he suggested? Well, he can take his feelings and ignore them – just like he suggested you do. As for the main minister he can pray to God for forgiveness about being a misogynist.

As for other church members calling you about making amends, here’s a thought – block all those phone numbers.

Last but not least your former boyfriend and best friend sound like they deserve each other. So may they enjoy what is sure to be a drama filled relationship where infidelity will reign.

Consider this a divine intervention and a chance to make a fresh start at a new church where gaslighting and misogyny aren’t worshipped.

***

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5Comments

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1

Steph on October 27, 2022 at 12:28 pm

Unfortunately many churches have unwittingly contributed to a culture of marginalizing women and discounting their feelings. We are supposed to be all “Proverbs 31” without regard to our own mental well-being and safety. I see many churches now acknowledging this and making an effort to change. I hope she finds one that has, and will never ask her to apologize for feeling.
- 2
  
  snarkyinthesuburbs on October 27, 2022 at 12:57 pm
  
  I do too. I also hope she takes the time to visit a lot of different churches before she makes up her mind.
3

Christina on October 28, 2022 at 1:49 pm

And churches wonder why people are bailing on them en masse. They treat women like chattel, enable and/or cover up various forms of abuse, and then expect everyone to still feel obligated to give them money, time and resources. No thanks!

I sincerely hope that “Feeling Lost” can find her own way and her own version of spirituality that brings her peace and joy. No one needs a “middle man” in order to be close to God.
- 4
  
  snarkyinthesuburbs on October 28, 2022 at 2:00 pm
  
  Amen.
5

Lisa Waller on October 31, 2022 at 6:00 pm

What Snarky said. Double it up. What a horrible example of a “church”.
To the reader, I know it’s very hurtful when people that are supposed to have your back turn on you. I hope you find a better church situation soon. And hope that your real family has your back.
As for the cheating pair, they will soon be cheating on each other. That one can take to the bank.
When that happens, indulge yourself in a well deserved smirk at their expense. One smirk won’t hurt.