I have recently become engaged to a wonderful man 26 years my senior. This should be one of the happiest times in my life, but I’m worried about something my fiancé has asked me to do. Three years ago, my fiancé lost his wife to cancer and because of that he wants me to undergo extensive medical and genetic testing to make sure I’m 100 percent healthy before we get married.
I’m a 30-year-old woman with no history of health issues and while I don’t mind getting MRIs, blood work, a colonoscopy etc. (By the way, none of the medical tests will be covered by my health insurance because I’m not sick nor predisposed to any health risk that would necessitate things like a colonoscopy at 30.) I am concerned about his motives.
By this I mean he has said that if any “vagaries” or “warning signs” show up in my health screening or genetic testing he won’t marry me because he “can’t go through the pain of losing another wife.”
While I can understand that no one wants to lose a spouse I’m having problems hiding my anger that if you love someone you love them.
When I have shared this feeling with some friends, they told me that I shouldn’t overreact and that my fiancé is just “acting out” because of the stuff he went through when his first wife died.
I’m so confused what to do because I love him but I’m also getting some bad vibes. Meanwhile my fiancé asks me every day if I’ve scheduled my tests.
Signed, Worried Fiancée
You need to listen to those “bad vibes.” Your much older fiancé is clearly not over the death of his wife and needs some intensive therapy or at the bare minimum he needs to stop seeking out another spouse.
This may hurt your feelings but I’m sure he purposely pursued younger women based solely on their longevity and health stats. As for all the invasive medical tests – here’s one you need – a hearing exam because you should have heard that alarm and hauled ass.
The bottom line is he’s not going to marry you. Trust me on this – he will find a reason to back out and it will probably be based on someone in your family tree getting cancer back in 1926.
So, don’t wait around for that heart break. You are not a horse getting sold at an auction that needs a clean bill of health from a veterinarian. You are a young woman who deserves better than a 56-year-old man who wants to inflict his unprocessed trauma on you.
🥺If you have a question, concern, or searing dilemma for Dear Snarky write me at firstname.lastname@example.org
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