Hi Snarky,
I am 16 years old and have a step grandmother that came into my life when I was 5. Ever since she has been in my life she has overwhelmed me and gotten really upset when I would ask for space.
I have so many memories of being uncomfortable around her but whenever I tried standing up for myself I was guilted into acting like “i didn’t love her anymore.”
She would often bad mouth my mom to me and was narcissistic in the way she treated my mom.
I often tried to create boundaries as I got older but it always came back to “after everything I have done for you, this is how you treat me” and I never knew how to hold firm in my boundaries.
Recently my mom and ex stepfather got a divorce and grandma started so much drama within the family about how she never loved us and so many other things. I recently was diagnosed with cancer and suddenly she has crawled her way back into my life.
Out of the blue she now cares so much about helping and being a part of me and my moms life in any way possible. After many years of dealing with her I’m just so sick of it and I don’t want to give in now. she will often call and I rarely answer but when I don’t I’ll get texts like “wow have you forgotten about me already” or “guess family doesn’t mean anything to you” and I feel so guilty.
She has threatened to take us to civil court to fight for “grandparents rights” so she can see me even though I’m 16 and can make the choice for myself to not see her. But I feel so guilty that I don’t think I could say no to her face.
I’m so torn and my heart hurts so bad because she’s never been good to me but the things she says to me makes me feel so guilty and I don’t know what to do. If you have any advice I would truly appreciate it.
Signed,
Torn 😦
Dear Torn,
Your former step grandmother is a narcissist, and, in my opinion, she will continue to manipulate you as long as you and your mother allow her to do so. This type of person gets great joy out of being a shrieking shrew and it sounds like her two favorite pastimes are gaslighting and the guilt trip.
Now I said mother because you are a child, a child in the midst of health journey, and your mom needs to handle this hot mess of a human being and lay down some firm boundaries. Starting with telling her that “we will contact you when and if we want to see you.”
Your mother also needs to emphasize that you are going through a lot and need to keep your life as stress free as possible for your health.
Will this ex-step grandmother from hell freak out? Of course, she will because that’s what narcissists do when they get push back. But you and your mother shouldn’t care. Nothing comes before your health – physical and mental – and the last thing you need while you are fighting cancer is a woman in your life who has brought you nothing but drama, misery, and unhappiness.
So immediately block her number on your phone and tell your mom to do the same thing and then concentrate on getting better. You need positive and healing energy in your life and this woman is incapable of ever being able to do that.
I’m sending you a virtual hug and I want you to remember that your needs come before a woman who once upon a time was your step grandmother.
P.S. This woman as your former step grandmother has zero legal rights to see you at all. So, just ignore that nonsense.
*If you have a question, concern or dilemma for Dear Snarky email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com 🤨
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