Dear Snarky – I’m Being Shunned For Bringing Cupcakes to a School Party

Dear Snarky,

 I’m being shunned at my son’s elementary school due to having the “audacity” to bring mini chocolate cupcakes to the first grade Halloween party. I never received the link to the online sign up sheet for food and didn’t know that sweets were not allowed at the party. I only brought cupcakes because I didn’t want to show up empty handed.

 Now, the anti sugar Nazis are furious and suggesting that I’m a bad mother because I dared to bring a dessert to a Halloween party. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t Halloween all about the sugar? Now, I’ve been told by the two room moms that I’m not allowed to volunteer or sign up for any party duties for the reminder of the school year.

 I cannot express how angry this makes me. What course of action do you think I should take because this is total bull shit?

 Signed, Cupcake Mom

Dear Cupcake,

You have to pick your battles. Ask yourself are cupcakes the hill you want to die on? If your child is only in the first grade you have a L-O-N-G time to spend with these mothers.

This means you can do two things. One, not volunteer at the rest of the parties but absolutely show up for your son or two take a stand so these moms know not to mess with you for the next 12 years and lord help me but I’m leaning towards this one because these moms need to simmer the hell down and learn to reign in their control issues. Their kid’s elementary school is not their personal fiefdom. #getalife.

Admittedly you should make sure moving forward that you’re up-to-date on your emails, apps, etc related to school events but you shouldn’t have to cower in fear around these mothers or kiss up to them because you dared to walk into the school bearing cupcakes. This means one thing – go over their heads. Yep, talk to the teacher the real boss of the classroom.

Explain what happened, express your desire to help out and ask if there is anything the teacher needs assistance with. Then resist the urge to tell the two room moms where they can shove their “no volunteer” edict and focus on making your child’s first grade year wonderful.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – How Can We Tell a Family Member Not to Run for Public Office?

Dear Snarky,

 My niece announced to the family that she wants to run for public office and quite frankly a lot of us think it might just be the worst idea ever. She’s young, has no experience and has problems handling a day job. It’s so bad we have an over under on how long she’ll last at each job she gets

 I admire her enthusiasm and her wanting to “be the change” but I think she needs to at least volunteer on a political campaign or stay at a job longer than three months before she just throws herself out there.

 Our biggest worry is that she got some insurance money from a car accident and she wants to spend it to fund her campaign. Anyone in the family over the age of 30 told her she needs to use the money to pay off her college loans.

 Do you have any advice on how we can get her to change her mind without creating major family drama?

 Signed, Worried & Concerned

 Dear Worried

 Lately my solution to most of my letter writers has been to tell them to mind their own business. But today I’m not going to do that. I’m going to tell you to get involved. This is the mom of young adults in me talking but your niece needs to hear that she should be very conservative with how she spends that insurance money.

I’ll give her huge props for no wanting to blow it on designer handbags or a sweet new ride and wanting to run for office can be a noble endeavor but she still needs to very seriously ponder  spending that money to self finance a campaign.

Handling your niece with love and  respect (i.e. don’t talk down to her) suggest that she needs to enlist a firm to do an exploratory study on her running for office where everything from her chances of winning to how much money and time she’s going to have to invest to be considered a contender will be examined.

 This should be a g-i-g-a-n-t-i-c eye opener and I’m betting it’s not the amount of money that’s required that’s going to make her reconsider but the time that she’ll have to spend. Based on her employment record I’m guessing, umm how can I put this nicely, that she gets bored easily and once she sees the amount of effort and the hard and sometimes very tedious work it takes to get elected to almost any office she might cool off on this idea.

If she doesn’t be positive and wish her luck. Maybe this is her calling and she’ll surprise everyone.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – Help! My Co-Worker is Already Christmas Crazy

Dear Snarky,

 I have a co-worker who’s insane. She is pathologically obsessed with Christmas. On October 1 she decorated her cubicle, started burning some awful smelling pinecone scented candle and has some sort of plug in air freshener that reeks of candy cane. She also plays Christmas music non stop and every morning reminds all of us how many days there are until “Santa is here.” Prepare to be shocked because this woman isn’t some old lady. The psycho is still in her 20’s.

 I’m not the only one in the office that she’s annoying. Her Christmas B.S. is the topic of most conversations and not in a good way. Is there anyway to get this woman to calm the F down about the holidays?

 Signed, Turning Into a Scrooge

 Dear Scrooge,

 If this was a Hallmark movie your co-worker would be named Miss Merry Christmas and she would melt the heart of the office Scrooge and they would fall in love and live happily ever after OR Miss Merry Christmas would turn out to be the daughter of Santa Claus sent to your office to spread the joy of the season very, very, very early.

 But since this isn’t a movie here’s my advice that’s a lot less fun. One – I’m assuming you can’t go to H.R. and grumble about a co-worker’s holly jolly attitude but what you can do is complain about the scent explosion in the office. A lot of people are highly scent sensitive and that means the candle and the air freshener could be a health concern.

 Now on to the holiday music – quit sulking, grow up and ask her to turn it down and if you don’t have headphones put those on your Christmas list. All the other stuff from the cubicle holiday décor to the countdown till December 25 is, I feel, a way for this young woman to get some attention.

 I suggest instead of letting yourself get turbo annoyed, and I’m sure this is all very annoying, I’m not trying to downplay that, you could compliment her on her Christmas mojo and maybe she can be the office holiday party planner. I have no doubt it would be a rager. Perhaps all this young woman is looking for is validation. Give it to her and see if that helps her chill out.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – How Do I Tell a Friend She Has an Instagram Filter Addiction?

Dear Snarky,

 Is there anyway to tell a really cute friend that she is over editing all her photos on social media? I get it we all edit our photos for Instagram but the goal is to look better not like a completely different person.

 She’s not been very successful dating and I’m totally sure it’s because once people see her in person they’re like “Who are you?” People have trouble getting past her image on social media compared to reality.

 My boyfriend has a cousin who I think would be perfect for her but I would like for him to see the real her not the layers of filters she is on Instagram. What is the nicest way to tell her that she needs to be herself more and lay off on all the fakeness?

 Signed, Insta Addict

 Dear Insta,

 You’ve come to the right place for advice. As the mother of a 19- year-old I know all about what I call “filter abuse.” I’ll see my daughter’s friends on Instagram and not even recognize them. That said, filter abuse is not limited to the young and already beautiful a lot of women my age seem to be going full Benjamin Button and by that I mean aging backwards on social media.

 Now, here’s a surprise for you – I think there is no shame in the filter game. Come on it’s social media. If people are too goofy to realize that a whole lot of photo editing is going on then I worry about their cognitive brain function. Seriously, if a guy is surprised someone looks a little different than their social media photos than consider him way too dumb to date.

Using myself as Exhibit A – please note this business photo that was taken of me. My skin hasn’t looked this smooth since I was five. I barely recognize myself with my wrinkles and my constant companion – “Lady Jowls – vanquished. Now, compare that to the real me and you have a case of filters gone mad. Do I apologize for this photo? No, because I’m assuming people are intelligent enough in 2019 to know that I’ve been attacked by a “healing brush.”

As for you – stay out of your friend’s business. How she wants to look on social media is none and I mean none of your concern. You are just going to stir up a whole lot of drama and hurt feelings and I’m hoping that wasn’t your intention all along.

 

Dear Snarky – My Mom Needs to Quit Wearing Sexy Halloween Costumes

Dear Snarky,

 I need help with my mother. I swear she thinks she’s Jennifer Lopez and by that I mean at 55 she is very proud of her body and loves to show it off. Every Halloween she goes all out with the sexy costumes. This Halloween she is wearing a costume that is a replica of the iconic dress J.Lo wore where she’s almost naked.

 My problem is she’s planning on wearing it to a Halloween party hosted by my boyfriend’s parents. I told her that costume was not appropriate for this kind of party and she told me I was just “jealous.”

 Seriously, she can’t show up to meet my boyfriend’s parents for the first time in a costume where she’s that exposed. How do I get her to wear something that at least covers her chest?

 Signed, Distressed Daughter

Dear Distressed,

First, let me say I’m not into body shaming nor am I the Fashion Police. In fact, the only style crimes that get me really ticked off are adults wearing P.J’s on a plane or people who wear shorts and flip flops to church weddings.

 As for your mother I’m afraid you’re not going to get her to wear a nun costume. I think the more you beg her to cover up the more she’s going to want to take the girls out. That said if I had a body that resembled Jennifer Lopez’s I might be inclined to be queen of the crop top.

 I suggest that perhaps the first time your boyfriend’s parents meet your parents is not at this party. Maybe you can schedule a coffee get together so their initial “how do you do” is with your mom wearing clothing and not a costume.

 Remember you’re not responsible for your mom’s behavior or life choices. At 55 years old how she dresses is her business and her business alone. Maybe she’s living her best life.

 As for your boyfriend’s parents if they are going to judge you based on your mother’s Halloween costume than that is just messed up.

 Now as for that  jealous comment it sounds like your mother’s maternal instincts might need a refresh. Her quip was very unkind and leads me to believe that her entire self worth is tied up in her appearance and let me tell you as an aging female that totally sucks.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – My Boss is Spying on Me With a Doggie Cam

Dear Snarky,

 I work for a very small company and my co-workers and I just discovered the owner is spying on us. She brings her dogs to work and has set up several treat dispensers around the office. The treat stations will throw out a dog biscuit from an app on her phone.

 Yesterday when the Xerox repair guy was there he told us that he has one of these treat dispensers and they have cameras where you can check in on your dog from – you guessed it – the app on your phone.

I always thought it was funny that a treat dispenser was in my cubicle and in another employee’s office that the boss doesn’t seem to like. There’s also one in the kitchen where people hang out. It now makes sense how our boss knows stuff that we didn’t tell her.

 Should we confront her about the spying or contact an attorney.

 Signed, Spy Cammed

Dear Spy Cammed,

 I’m not an attorney (Sadly watching hundreds of Law & Order episodes don’t count as a legal education.) so I don’t know what your rights are concerning office spying. I do know though that you need to confirm that you’re being spied on. I suggest saying something pretty random in front of the doggie cam and see if it gets a response.

 Next you need to have some fun with the doggie cams. I would randomly bark in the camera throughout the day or do an enthusiastic rendition of “Who Let the Dogs Out” or “Secret Agent Man.” Basically do what you can to let your boss know that she’s been b-u-s-t-e-d.

Now onto less entertaining business – maybe it’s time to start looking for a new job. The whole spying on employees with doggie cams is super creepy. If this is what the office culture has disintegrated to I would be inclined to find an employer who wouldn’t stoop to this level of subterfuge.    

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – My Boyfriend is WAY Jealous of My Fantasy Football Skills

Dear Snarky,

 I have a problem with my boyfriend and it’s making me worry about our future together. He’s always been super competitive and now he’s angry with me because my fantasy football team is doing much better than his.

 Right now, I’m at the top of our league. I think he thought that I would be drafting players I thought were cute but I know a lot about football and don’t mess around.

 Now, he’s pouting and making rude comments about me and to me. The thing that really made me think about our relationship is that his mother pulled me aside and told me that if I want to keep her son happy I need to quit playing fantasy football.

 Is this just a weird thing my boyfriend has about football or do you think it goes deeper?

 Signed, Confused

 Dear Confused,

Every person has that one thing they’re a freak about. For example, I’m a little OCD about how the dishwasher is loaded. That said, I don’t mock family members for not doing it right. I just re-do when they’re not looking.

So maybe your boyfriend is a fantasy football freak but I think it goes deeper than that and you’re right for having warning bells going ding, ding, ding in your head.

First, you use the word angry to describe his feelings toward you and then you say he’s making rude comments and  – whoa – he ran to his mommy to make him feel better and to have her fix his hurt feelings. Are You Kidding Me?!!!

This guy sounds like a Mama’s boy with anger issues and I would run like the wind to get as far away from him as fast as you can. He’s bad news and trust me when I tell you can’t fix him, you can’t love him out of it and you’re not going to get him to change. All you can do is leave and not look back. You have to focus on the fundamentals in football and in relationships and this guy’s fundamentals are weak.

 

 

Dear Snarky – My Mom and Mother-In-Law Have Turned Grandparenting Into a Competitive Sport

Dear Snarky,

 My mom and mother-in-law are driving me crazy. They’re both very competitive and my kids are always in the middle of their tug-of-wars as they try to one up each other.

 For example, they both just had to buy my daughters’ first day of school outfits when I had already told them that my girls had picked out their own clothes. I then had to send separate photos with my daughters in the outfits each grandma had bought pretending that it’s what they wore to school.

 I knew I finally had to do something when my oldest daughter told her little sister we had to take all these pictures because mommy lies to grandma and nana. How do I put a stop to each grandmother wanting to be my kids’ favorite because juggling all of this is setting a bad example for my girls?

 Signed, Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,

 You’re not going to like this answer because the problem isn’t just the grandmothers fault you also are too blame. Girl you should have shut this down a long time ago like when your firstborn was an infant. The fact that you’ve enabled them and let this continue and escalate for years is not cool and is going to make stopping it even harder.

 I would begin by having a frank talk with your mother and telling her that all this competitive nonsense has to stop and that it’s having an adverse effect on her granddaughters and stressing you the hell out because of all the subterfuge required to keep both grandmothers happy. I would also include the very important fact that your own daughter called you a liar.

 Next up, is your mother-in-law and I would include your husband in that conversation for back up. This is because the last thing you want is your mother-in-law telling your husband that you criticized her grandparenting skills or called her a “bad Nana.”  You need to emphasize how the competitiveness is hurting her precious granddaughters and has the potential for harming the wonderful relationship she has with them.

 Of course, for any real change to happen you are going to have to put your big girl britches on and stand up to your mother and mother-in-law by having a zero tolerance policy for their competitive foolishness. And if you feel yourself wavering just remember the four letter word your daughter called you.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – Help! The Bride Has Demanded All of Her Bridesmaids Go on the Keto Diet

Dear Snarky,

Is there a nice way to get out of being a bridesmaid in wedding without saying, “F off!”

 My cousin is getting married in December and she told all five of her bridesmaids that we have to go on the Keto diet or else. She’s even demanding that we put the Keto diet app on our phones and then every day send her our nutritional logs along with a weekly weigh in.

 She told us that for her wedding to be “Insta fabulous” there’s a strict no fatties allowed rule. None of the bridesmaids are even what I would call fat. So, I just think she’s being a hateful bitch who thinks she can control us because we’re in her wedding. I want to get out now because you know it’s going to get worse by December.

 What’s the classiest way to drop out?

 Signed, Ready to Go

Dear Go,

 I think I would forget about being classy and just tell this monster of a bride that if being a bridesmaid in her wedding means humiliating yourself and allowing her to interfere in your personal business up to and including your private health information than you are tendering your bridesmaid resignation effective immediately.

 If this shrew throws a fit so be it. Just walk away with your pride in tact and under no circumstances let other family members try to talk you back into being a bridesmaid. This cousin isn’t worthy of your presence.

 And mark my words once you defect other bridesmaids will follow your lead because being a bride doesn’t give you carte blanche to ride roughshod over anyone else’s life with outrageous demands. In my opinion this woman doesn’t need to get married she needs an extended stay at a mental health clinic because she be crazy.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – We’ve Got Issues

Aah, summer where the living is easy except if you’re in the middle of an August heat wave BUT the heat did give me a good excuse to expediently tackle three summer hot topics. Ready, set, go!

Dear Snarky,

 My daughter has a friend who is allegedly gluten and lactose intolerant and her mom makes a big deal about it at school parties and play dates and yet yesterday I saw the kid and her mom eating  cheeseburgers and drinking milk shakes at McDonalds. Should I call her out on her hypocrisy?

 Signed, Oh No You Didn’t

Dear Oh No,

Mind you own freaking business. You’re not the food police. I know it’s going to be hard but resist the urge to stir up drama. 

 Dear Snarky,

I know my friend’s kids are peeing in my pool because they never ask to go inside and use the restroom. When I shared my suspicions my friend got angry and told her kids to get out of the pool and left.

 How does she feel that she has the right to be angry it’s my pool getting peed in?

 Signed, Upset

Dear Upset,

 What did you want your friend to do offer up her kids for a CSI level urine forensics? Here’s a pro tip- quit inviting people over for a swim and then lobbying accusations at them.

 Dear Snarky,

 Every time we vacation with my husband’s family we always get stuck paying more than our fair share. You name it from groceries for the condo to eating out it’s like we are subsidizing the vacation. How can we stop this?

 Signed, Going Broke

Dear Broke,

The solution is simple. Quit vacationing with family that repeatedly takes advantage of you. The fact that you let this happen multiple times is beyond ridiculous. Close your wallet now and practice saying “We’ve made other vacation plans.”