Dear Snarky – Revenge of the Spray Tan

Dear Snarky,

I’m writing this letter to you while I’m orange. Yes, orange because I was given a spray tan by a FRIEND who, out of spite, turned me orange. The back-story is I started dating a guy she had broken up with more than six months ago. I even asked her if it was okay with her if I went out with him. She said yes and told me it was no big deal. So, we started dating and this weekend he’s taking me to his cousin’s wedding which is why I got a spray tan from her. I didn’t know she was secretly pissed off at me and her revenge would be giving me a spray tan that would turn me pumpkin f’ing orange!

I’ve taken pictures of my orange spray tan and want to shame her business publicly on social media because people should know she’s crazy but our mutual friends say I should let it go because she’s “suffering from the break up.” Umm, the break up was her doing and it was months ago. Also, all of this is easy for them to say because they’re not ORANGE!

What do you think Snarky?

Signed, Orange and Angry

Dear Orange,

First, I hope you googled how to get rid of a bad spray tan and you no longer resemble Ernie from Sesame Street. As for embarking on a social media shaming campaign I’m conflicted. Does a woman who runs a spray tan business and purposely turns people orange need to be outed? Yes. But, for you to do this means that you’re going to be adding rocket fuel to her crazy and the whole situation is going to get blown up.

Are you ready to be engaging with her on social media and dealing with what I’m sure are going to be threats and accusations of you stealing her boyfriend (never mind that she dumped him)? Also, a woman who would turn somebody orange is going to have zero compunction lying and saying that she didn’t do it and that you photoshopped the pictures because you’re trying to ruin her business after you stole her boyfriend. (Are you sensing a theme here?) 

Because I believe in living a life where you look forward not backwards I would wash off that orange spray tan and let that and your “friend” go down the drain. This means don’t engage. It’s not worth it and it would be a HUGE emotional time suck. Instead live your life without her in it and most definitely find a new place to get a spray tan.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky “Advice With An Attitude” email snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com 😉

Dear Snarky – The Teacher Returned Our Class Gift

Dear Snarky,

I’m super angry with my child’s teacher. For Valentine’s Day the moms went  all out and collected money for a really nice piece of jewelry from a popular retailer for my daughter’s 3rd grade teacher. The reason we did this is because the teacher is getting married soon and we thought this would be a nice Valentine’s Day and wedding gift from the class.

Well, come to find out from my sister who works at that store the teacher not only returned the necklace we got her but she was a huge, F bombing bitch, about it because she couldn’t get cash back. They would only give her a gift card because she didn’t have a receipt. According to my sister she even insulted the moms who picked out the necklace calling their taste – basic and low-class.

I’ve already told all the moms what happened and now we’re wondering if we should say something to the teacher.

 Signed, Insulted

 Dear Insulted,

 My advice is four words. KEEP. YOUR. MOUTH. SHUT.

Sure, it would be awesome to let the teacher know that you have Intel on what a boorish trog she was but after that thrill what do you have left? I’ll tell you – a kid that’s in her class for another three months. Talk about awkward.

I strongly urge you to not do that to your child. Instead learn a lesson from this. For the rest of your parenting career don’t get a teacher an expensive gift that’s very taste specific like jewelry. If you feel you must get a present go the gift card route. I also suggest the parents in your class skip the teacher appreciation and end of year gifts in favor of handwritten notes from your children highlighting the favorite things they’ve learned that year.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky “Advice With an Attitude” email me at snarkyinthesuburbs.com 😉

Dear Snarky – Help, I Work With Slobs!

Dear Snarky,

I work for a super hip company that has no dress c0e76277b18840f2a65e83f12d2daecc4--office-humor-work-humorode and everyday I’m literally picking my jaw up from the floor when I see what people wear to work. There’s men and women with wet hair. There’s disgusting feet in flip-flops in the middle of winter. More than half of the work force looks like they’re wearing their pajamas and haven’t bathed in days. The smell is so ripe sometimes I feel nauseous. I like my job – a lot – so I need some advice in how to get past working with slobs.

 Signed, Grossed Out at the Office

Dear Grossed Out,

 Ugh, I feel your pain. Grooming is not what it used to be. I totally blame casual Friday which gave birth to no deodorant Monday and free-range foot fungus Thursday. Since you like your job your only recourse is to learn how to accept those things you cannot change.

There’s not a polite way to tell someone they reek nor; can you ask a co-worker to please consider wearing something other than their Star Wars pajama collection. All you can do is be beacon of sanity by continuing to dress like an adult and being a champion of showers, deodorant, and toothpaste.

Take heart some of this will rub off on your co-workers. Every office needs a leader and you, my friend, you hopefully guide others into the fabulous and exciting world of adulting.

P.S. in the meanwhile you can deal with the noxious office B.O. by putting Vick’s Vapor rub under your nostrils. It’s probably best you don’t ask me how I know this.

A Dear Snarky Holiday Buffet

So many Christmas conundrums. So little time. In an attempt to help spread some holiday happiness I bring you a trio of letters. Let’s hope my answers deliver a soupçon of seasonal sanity to your family gatherings.

Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 10.12.49 AMDear Snarky,

My mother-in-law spoils my children and goes overboard with presents. I’ve told her to stop but she won’t listen to me. I don’t think I can handle another Christmas where she’s trying to one up my husband and I in the gift department.

 Signed, Present Overkill

Dear Overkill,

Calm yourself and count your blessings. It’s a grandmother’s prerogative and great joy to spoil her grandchildren. If your kids are drowning in presents, I suggest discreetly donating some of the goodies to charity after the first of the year. P.S. Quit looking so hard for something to get your nose out of joint about. There are parents out there that would be THRILLED for their kids’ grandparents to so much as send a card.

Dear Snarky,

My weirdo and single sister actually expects us to buy a gift for her dog. She says her dog is like her child and since she buys presents for my four kids all the time, we can get her dog something.

Signed, No Way

Dear No Way,

Umm, no way, I say, yes way. Drag yourself off of your high horse and go get your sister’s dog a $10 chew toy and get over yourself. Also, being a pet lover and a single doesn’t make you a weirdo. It probably makes you very happy.

Dear Snarky,

My in-laws make the whole family go to Midnight Mass and I think it ruins Christmas morning for my kids (ages 8 and 10) because they’re so tired the next day. How do I get this tradition to stop?

 Signed, Not a Fan 

Dear Not a Fan,

Grab some caffeine and accept this hard truth. Midnight Mass isn’t going anywhere, and you know where you’re going – uh huh, that’s right to Midnight Mass. So, suck it up, have your kids take a nap and deal with traditions that are older than you are.

*I hope your holidays are drama free BUT if they’re not you know where to send your letter. snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com 😉

Dear Snarky – My Mother-In-Law Thought Helping Out After I Just Had a Baby Was Supposed to Be a Vacation

Dear Snarky,xmjr57fd2hwy

 I can’t believe the latest stunt my mother-in-law pulled. I just had my second baby (my first is only 18 months old) and my mother-in- law literally begged to come stay with us and help. I was hesitant because she’s not exactly grandmother of the year, but my husband said we should give his mom a chance to redeem herself. The entire two weeks she was here she did nothing except complain that she was bored and ask when were we going to “finally” do something fun. 

 Then after she left she posted on Facebook that it was the “worst vacation ever.” WTH? Who thinks offering to help your daughter-in-law after she just had a baby is going to be a vacation?

 I told my husband we are done with his mom and he thinks I’m being “postpartum overly emotional” Who’s right here?

 Signed, Not Happy

Dear Not Happy,

You know who needs to take a vacation? You, from your mother-in-law. Perhaps, she doesn’t need to be shunned for life, but you deserve the mental break from having to deal with that hot mess because anyone with a functioning brain stem knows that a “visit” to a house with a new baby and an 18-month-old is not going to be cocktails on the beach. 

Also, it sounds like your husband has some mommy issues and feels like he needs to defend her behavior – so, my condolences to you. Hopefully, as he matures into, what’s that word, oh yeah, a man he’ll wise up to his mother’s head games.

As for now, let your angry go. Your mother-in-law isn’t worth the emotional investment. You need to focus on the positives – your babies.

Dear Snarky – A DNA Test Ruined Our Family Reunion

Dear Snarky,

 My family reunion was a huge fiasco. My idiot cousin got one of those DNA tests and discovered that he had half siblings he didn’t know about. It looks like his dad, my uncle, cheated on his mom because one of those half siblings is my cousin’s age. 

He then thought it would a great idea to being his brand new two half siblings, who he had recently found and been in contact with, to the reunion and introduce them to the family. My uncle said he never even knew he had gotten their mother pregnant and was shocked. My aunt, his wife, got hysterical and we had to call 911 because we actually thought she has having a heart attack or seizure or both.

 Now, my cousin is asking for a family apology from everyone at the reunion for making his two newfound brothers feel so unwelcome. I think he’s the one who should apologize for putting everyone, including these new family members, in such a horrible spot.

 Signed, I need a Xanax.

Dear Xanax,

Your cousin needs his ass kicked. Make no mistake he was not motivated by kindness to his new kin. Nope. He used his two new bros as a weapon to shame and humiliate his father for having what amounts to a secret life. Mission accomplished there, but what he also did was put his mother in a horrendous situation and made his two half-brothers feel like they were part of a freak show at a carnival.

 If there’s any apologies to the family, it should be from your cousin. He needs to apologize to his new brothers for using them for his own messed up game and to his mother for humiliating her. As for his dad – the cheater – that’s a marital issue that everyone needs to stay out of. 

If I were those new family members I think I would go into hiding from your cousin because he sounds C-R-A-Z-Y!

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude  😉 please email snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com

 

Dear Snarky – My Ex Husband Brought A Date To Field Day!

Dear Snarky,

 My ex-husband hit a new low last week. We have been divorced for 6 months and for our son’s sake have tried to keep everything friendly. I thought we both were doing a decent job of that until my ex brought some random chick to my son’s elementary school field day.

 This girl, because she looked about 19, had on shorts that left nothing to the imagination and a bra top. My husband was all over her and it became the talk of Field Day. I tried to ignore it and focus on my son, but as you can imagine I was ready to walk up and punch both of them in the face.

 Because of what happened during Field Day I want to tell him that he can’t bring this girl to our son’s 5th grade graduation next week, but I’m afraid that might blow up in my face.

 Signed, Divorced Mama

 Dear Mama,

 First, I want to applaud you for keeping your emotions under control during Field Day and ignoring your jerk of an ex and his groping Olympics. By doing so you totally derailed his plan of getting a reaction from you. Because you see that’s what he wanted. His main reason for bringing a scantily dressed date to Field Day was to mess with you.

 This is why you need to say nothing to him about bringing a date to the 5th grade graduation. It will only embolden your ex to up his game. The best way to shut down this kind of behavior for good is to act oblivious to this idiot’s attention seeking antics.

 So go to your son’s graduation, enjoy your day and high five yourself for acting like a grown up. Your son needs that from you because it’s obvious his father doesn’t have that skill set.

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – Makeover Madness

Dear Snarky,

 My girlfriends and I are really angry over how a friend treated us. This friend dresses like a nun and as a gift to her we wanted to treat her to a surprise make over. She thought she was coming to my apartment for a movie and wine, but instead we plucked her eyebrows, fixed her hair, applied self tanner and put make up on her which she never uses. We also introduced her to a Spanx push up bra.

 When all this was going on she seemed okay, but then she started ghosting us. She didn’t answer our texts or phone calls. Finally she sent us a group text saying that we made her feel uncomfortable and hurt her feelings by criticizing her appearance

 Umm, really because we were trying to be good friends and now she’s being ungrateful. Should we tell her off or apologize to just get the whole mess over with?

 Signed, Make Over Madness

Dear Make Over,

 I get it. You and your friends think you have great taste (emphasis on the word think) and because of your stylish swagger believe that everyone should embrace your fashion aesthetic. But maybe you look like Snookie from her Jersey Shore days (sorry it was the self tanner comment that took me in that direction) and your friend has a very traditional appearance like the Duchess of Cambridge. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t look good. She just doesn’t look like you.

 Also did you ever consider that your friend maybe happy with her appearance? That she has no problem rocking the no make up look and that she likes to keep her chest, shall we say, a little less perky.

 You showed zero regard for what your friend wanted and were more about what you wanted – an ambush makeover. That’s good for a reality TV show, but no so awesome for maintaining a friendship. So yes, you most definitely need to apologize. And the next time you want to give someone a makeover fight the urge and take your next victim, oops sorry I meant friend, for a mani-pedi instead.    

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – Help! My Husband Won’t Stop Farting

 I’m at the end of my rope in regards to my husband and his selfishness. He’s lactose intolerant, like officially diagnosed by a doctor as being allergic to dairy, yet he’s still eating ice cream to the tune of a couple of gallons a week. This has my man farting non-stop and I mean loud, smelly farts.

 I cannot begin to tell you how embarrassing this is. We were at Target yesterday and he was carpet-bombing the entire store. It’s so bad I don’t want to go out in public with him anymore. I’ve begged him to not eat ice cream if we are going out. He tells me farting is natural and I should just get over it and he won’t switch to lactose free ice cream because “it’s not as good.”

I’m at the point I want to tell him to choose between ice cream and me. Help me Snarky figure this out so I don’t want to murder my husband.

 Signed, The Non-Gassy Spouse

Dear Non Gassy,

You should without hesitation tell your husband it’s me or ice cream sweetheart because while farting is a natural bodily function it’s gross to consistently free range fart in a public setting.  Furthermore, the fact that he’s gorging himself on gallons of ice cream when he knows the end result will be fartopia is just all kinds of wrong. 

For the love of Gas Ex I don’t understand how a grown man feels okay walking around expelling noxious fumes without a care in the world? And even if he doesn’t give a flip about it since he’s your husband he should care about you and your feelings. 

 So go ahead girlfriend and throw down the ultimatum. Your husband needs a wake up call or else your marriage is going to be a rocky road and I’m not talking about the ice cream flavor.

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – Poop Problems

Dear Snarky,

 What should I do? My neighbor has not one but THREE dogs. I know what you are thinking, “Oh, they probably bark a lot!” No, they POOP a lot and in my backyard too! The neighbor just lets them run free, do their business and come back inside.

 Nope, she is not out there watching if they go number 2 or not. Now, my backyard is a minefield of doggy doo. It seems like collecting the piles and leaving them on her doorstep would not be neighborly. What would you do?

 Sincerely, Steaming Mad

 PS- I don’t hate dogs, I have two of them myself. I just hate the inconsiderate humans that manage them.

Dear Steaming,

 Ugh, it’s a tale as old as time – people not policing their dog’s poop. And this is even worse because you know it’s a neighbor who is so flagrantly flaunting, in your very face, her “I don’t care attitude” in regards to decent behavior.

 This is why I feel you have to deploy the nuclear option – public shaming. Yep, you need to create a sign and put it up in your backyard for several days so your neighbor can’t help but see it. The sign should say:  “I know whose 3 dogs are using my yard as their bathroom and as a neighborhood courtesy you need to pick up after your dogs.”

 This will do three things – all positive.

 1) Start a neighborhood conversation about dog poop picking up.

2) Put any non dog poop picker upper on high alert 

3) Let your neighbor know that you’re on to her and it needs to stop.

 Now, you might be saying – “Yikes, this seems harsh.” But if your neighbor wanted to be your friend, or had even the slightest good manners, she wouldn’t have let her dogs daily abuse use your yard by making it a public toilet. It’s time, in this situation, for you to poop or get off the pot.    

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.