Dear Snarky – Pool Pirrarah

Dear Snarky,

 I need your help getting back at a friend who pulled what I consider a pretty mean stunt. Last week I had 4 girlfriends and their kids come over for a low-key pool party. Before anyone got in the pool one of these friends pulled out something called a water quality meter put it in the water and then announced that my pool flunked.

Of course, everyone freaked out and wouldn’t get in my pool. I got out my own pool testing kit and everything was fine. I also told everyone that we had a pool company that maintained the pool and they always do a great job. Our pool is beautiful. But the damage was already done and no one would go swimming. It was so embarrassing.

 I’m hurt and confused as to why a friend would do this to me and I want to get back at her. Any suggestions?

 Signed, Perfect Pool

Dear Pool,

 My suggestion is simple. Dump this human – because she for sure is not your friend – from your zone of contact. Don’t waste a second “getting back at her.”  She’s not worth the effort and quite frankly she sounds disturbed. What kind of “friend” brings a water quality meter to another friend’s house and then stages a dramatic scene of “your pool is contaminated.”

 Just for a second let’s give this person the benefit of the doubt that your pool is gross – well if that’s the case she just should have declined your invitation and not descended on your home like a CDC inspector searching for the Ebola virus.

 I also take exception to the other women at the pool party that didn’t stand up for you especially after you performed our own pool test and it came out fine. Someone should have had your back. Do yourself a HUGE favor and make some new friends and throw another pool party that is free of water logged drama.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – Say Hello to the Prize Police

Dear Snarky,

 I’m in charge of our neighborhood’s Fourth of July parade and I’m getting some serious attitude from other people on my committee. In the past we have given out ribbons for best bike decoration, best patriotic stroller etc. and I want to change that.

 This year I would like to limit the number of ribbons and only recognize a few parade entries. By doing this we can spend money on better prizes and more importantly not keep rewarding kids for just showing up.

Last year, we handed out ribbons to kids who didn’t even decorate their bikes. It was a joke. I think the families who actually take the parade seriously should be rewarded.

 My fellow committee members think I’m being mean but I think I’m teaching kids and parents a lesson.

 Do I listen to my committee or just know that I’m doing the right thing and not worry about what they think?

 Signed, Integrity Matters

Dear Crazy Lady (because I not going to use the word “integrity” in addressing you),

Are you freaking kidding me? You’re choosing your neighborhood Fourth of July bike parade to get all high horsey? You need to calm down and release your death grip on those ribbons. Your sanctimonious “kids shouldn’t be rewarded for just showing up” B.S. is totally out of place at a neighborhood parade. It’s not like the kid that wins “most red, white, and blue bike” is going to use the award to get into Stanford.

If you’re seriously on a mission to stop the practice of “everyone gets a trophy” than I suggest you chose another venue to proselytize at than the Fourth of July bike parade. These are your neighbors. Families are showing up to have fun not to face your judgmental wrath. Give everybody a ribbon that probably costs 10 cents and get over yourself.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – I Have a Trash Peeping Neighbor

Dear Snarky,

I have a neighbor that is so nosy she is literally going through my family’s trash cans. I have seen her many times looking at our trash after we take it to the curb on trash pick up day and then when I see her she makes comments about our lifestyle based on what was in our trash.

She’s mentions everything from the number of boxed wines cartons we had in our recycle can to how many fast food bags we had in our trash. One time she even commented on an empty prescription pill container.

We have kids in the same school so I don’t want to make an enemy of this woman but it needs to stop. My husband says we should call the police and report her for invasion of privacy but I think that would be going too far. Please help us.

Signed, Trashy Neighbor Problem

Dear Trashy,

First, know that you’re not alone. I also had a neighbor that enjoyed peeping into my family’s trash cans and then making snippy comments. So, here’s a couple of tried and true ways to get your neighbor to back away from your cans.

You could go the boring route and pile rocks on the tops of your trash cans making it much harder and much more conspicuous for her to open the cans. You could also place something icky on the top layer like your dogs refuse OR you can do something that is more fun.

Go and buy a cheap diary. The key here is that it has to say diary on it in big bold letters. Then on the first page write – “Dear Diary, my family fears for the sanity of our neighbor. She keeps rummaging through our trash and my husband is ready to call the police. I also think I need to tell all the other neighbors about what she is doing and we’re planning to call an emergency neighborhood meeting to address the problem. Hopefully she stops soon and the matter will resolve itself before things get anymore messy. I would hate for this woman to have to go through the embarrassment of being trash peeping shamed.”

Your next step is to place this diary on the very top of your trash can. Trust me she won’t be able to resist  doing a little lookie loo and she’ll get the message – big time.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – Church Camp Went Straight to Hell Before It Even Started

Dear Snarky,

 My daughter has been excited about going to summer sleep away church camp since we signed her up for it in January. I recently found out that she won’t be bunking with her three best friends. A mom, who signed up late, bribed the church secretary to change the cabin assignments. The secretary sells some nutritional juice line and I was told that this mom bought a ton of it to get her daughter into the “good cabin” which meant my daughter got kicked out.

 I’m so angry! I can’t believe this has happened to my child. Right now I don’t even want her to go camp. Also, what can I do about this horrible church secretary?

 Signed, Summer is Already Ruined

Dear Summer,

 The first thing you need to do is put a mom spin on the cabin re-assignment. Tell your daughter there’s been a snafu and while she won’t be rooming with her best friends she will get a chance to make some new friends in another cabin which is a big part of summer camp –broadening your horizons.

 Also, remind her that she will be very busy at camp and will still get to do everything with her best friends except share sleeping quarters. Make it seem like this could be the best of both worlds. Sell it sister!

 As for the scheming mom and the greedy church secretary I would go straight to your minister about this wanton display of broken commandments. The secretary needs to be fired – pronto. She abused her position of trust and I bet the entire Sunday offering plate that this wasn’t her first rodeo. I’m sure she has a long history of being super shady.

 And to the mom who bribed the secretary she’ll eventually get what’s coming to her – like maybe choke on all that nutritional juice she bought. What YOU don’t want to do is give her the power to ruin your daughter’s summer camp experience. You need to rise above this and encourage your child to have a wonderful time.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – Field Day Dumb Assery

Dear Snarky,

 I feel like I’m being extorted! There are two moms at my children’s school who think running Field Day is right up there with curing cancer. The emails and group texts have been insane.

 Right before Field Day we got a lot of rain so the day of Field Day a large portion of the playground area had huge party tents set up like you would see at a wedding reception. My first thought was that it was dumb because why wouldn’t you just move Field Day inside to the gym. The thing that has me seeing red is that the next day an email was sent to all the parents assessing us $50 each to cover the tent rentals.

Are you kidding me? My kids go to a public school so I was curious how they could “assess” the parents and the reason I got was that Field Day is run by the PTA so it’s a PTA assessment that is not school related. Also, if they assess every family $50 the PTA would be bringing in about $15,000!

How do I stop this insanity?

 Signed, Pissed Off

 Dear Pissed,

 What is it about Field Day that can make some parents go cray? And yes the Field Day organizers at your kid’s school have lost their grasp on reality. No one that is fully compos mentis would rent large tents to in order to keep the playground area dry for a school event. A sane person would do as you suggested and move the Field Day indoors.

 Now, onto the egregious move of charging parents to cover the cost of the tents – let’s just call BS on that shady move. You are under no obligation to pay the $50. Being a member of PTA is voluntary and doesn’t subject you to underwriting Field Day cost overruns.

 Furthermore, the principal of the school could shut this down. The PTA while operating independently of the school still has ties to the principal and he or she could object to this whole assessment nonsense. So I’m going to have to say shame on your principal. 

 That said, the fact that any PTA funds will be used to cover the cost of tents is tragic. The funds raised are supposed to go directly to improving your children’s educational experience not to pay for tents to keep the playground dry so some self important PTA member won’t have their dream field day soiled by Mother Nature.

 I advise you to not pay the $50 assessment and to work vigorously to see that no PTA funds are not used to pay for the tent expenses and instead stay earmarked for educational enrichment.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – Advice With An Attitude  – please email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – My Best Friend Is a Mean Girl Mom

Dear Snarky,

 I have recently broken off a longstanding friendship with a woman because her daughter is a total  mean girl bitch to my daughter (both our girls go to the same middle school). My “friend” thinks I’m being unreasonable and whatever troubles our girls are having I should just let them work it out. She doesn’t think I should let it impact our 10+ year friendship.

 I think that is a bunch of B.S. The fact that her child is so horrible to my daughter that even teachers have said something about it and my friend, her mother, does nothing is enough of a reason for me to end our friendship.

Do you think I’m being quote “unreasonable” or do you think I’m doing the right thing?

 Signed, Family First

Dear Family,

 Honestly, I’m probably the wrong person to help you because I’m a first class grudge holder. If a friend’s child was consistently mean to my daughter I would terminate that friendship before you could say WTH? I think it would be not only disloyal but also harmful to your daughter for her to see her mother, her number one advocate on planet Earth, still being all nicey-nicey to the mom of the girl terrorizing her.

 I believe you’re doing the right thing and because I’m on roll I’ll even hypothesize that a mean girl is a reflection of her family. So, I would want nothing to do with the child or the parents. I know some people are going to say both of us are overreacting but when it comes to my family I have zero tolerance for people who treat any member like crap.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky “Advice With An Attitude” send your letter to snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – Revenge of the Spray Tan

Dear Snarky,

I’m writing this letter to you while I’m orange. Yes, orange because I was given a spray tan by a FRIEND who, out of spite, turned me orange. The back-story is I started dating a guy she had broken up with more than six months ago. I even asked her if it was okay with her if I went out with him. She said yes and told me it was no big deal. So, we started dating and this weekend he’s taking me to his cousin’s wedding which is why I got a spray tan from her. I didn’t know she was secretly pissed off at me and her revenge would be giving me a spray tan that would turn me pumpkin f’ing orange!

I’ve taken pictures of my orange spray tan and want to shame her business publicly on social media because people should know she’s crazy but our mutual friends say I should let it go because she’s “suffering from the break up.” Umm, the break up was her doing and it was months ago. Also, all of this is easy for them to say because they’re not ORANGE!

What do you think Snarky?

Signed, Orange and Angry

Dear Orange,

First, I hope you googled how to get rid of a bad spray tan and you no longer resemble Ernie from Sesame Street. As for embarking on a social media shaming campaign I’m conflicted. Does a woman who runs a spray tan business and purposely turns people orange need to be outed? Yes. But, for you to do this means that you’re going to be adding rocket fuel to her crazy and the whole situation is going to get blown up.

Are you ready to be engaging with her on social media and dealing with what I’m sure are going to be threats and accusations of you stealing her boyfriend (never mind that she dumped him)? Also, a woman who would turn somebody orange is going to have zero compunction lying and saying that she didn’t do it and that you photoshopped the pictures because you’re trying to ruin her business after you stole her boyfriend. (Are you sensing a theme here?) 

Because I believe in living a life where you look forward not backwards I would wash off that orange spray tan and let that and your “friend” go down the drain. This means don’t engage. It’s not worth it and it would be a HUGE emotional time suck. Instead live your life without her in it and most definitely find a new place to get a spray tan.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky “Advice With An Attitude” email snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com 😉

Dear Snarky – The Teacher Returned Our Class Gift

Dear Snarky,

I’m super angry with my child’s teacher. For Valentine’s Day the moms went  all out and collected money for a really nice piece of jewelry from a popular retailer for my daughter’s 3rd grade teacher. The reason we did this is because the teacher is getting married soon and we thought this would be a nice Valentine’s Day and wedding gift from the class.

Well, come to find out from my sister who works at that store the teacher not only returned the necklace we got her but she was a huge, F bombing bitch, about it because she couldn’t get cash back. They would only give her a gift card because she didn’t have a receipt. According to my sister she even insulted the moms who picked out the necklace calling their taste – basic and low-class.

I’ve already told all the moms what happened and now we’re wondering if we should say something to the teacher.

 Signed, Insulted

 Dear Insulted,

 My advice is four words. KEEP. YOUR. MOUTH. SHUT.

Sure, it would be awesome to let the teacher know that you have Intel on what a boorish trog she was but after that thrill what do you have left? I’ll tell you – a kid that’s in her class for another three months. Talk about awkward.

I strongly urge you to not do that to your child. Instead learn a lesson from this. For the rest of your parenting career don’t get a teacher an expensive gift that’s very taste specific like jewelry. If you feel you must get a present go the gift card route. I also suggest the parents in your class skip the teacher appreciation and end of year gifts in favor of handwritten notes from your children highlighting the favorite things they’ve learned that year.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky “Advice With an Attitude” email me at snarkyinthesuburbs.com 😉

Dear Snarky – Help, I Work With Slobs!

Dear Snarky,

I work for a super hip company that has no dress c0e76277b18840f2a65e83f12d2daecc4--office-humor-work-humorode and everyday I’m literally picking my jaw up from the floor when I see what people wear to work. There’s men and women with wet hair. There’s disgusting feet in flip-flops in the middle of winter. More than half of the work force looks like they’re wearing their pajamas and haven’t bathed in days. The smell is so ripe sometimes I feel nauseous. I like my job – a lot – so I need some advice in how to get past working with slobs.

 Signed, Grossed Out at the Office

Dear Grossed Out,

 Ugh, I feel your pain. Grooming is not what it used to be. I totally blame casual Friday which gave birth to no deodorant Monday and free-range foot fungus Thursday. Since you like your job your only recourse is to learn how to accept those things you cannot change.

There’s not a polite way to tell someone they reek nor; can you ask a co-worker to please consider wearing something other than their Star Wars pajama collection. All you can do is be beacon of sanity by continuing to dress like an adult and being a champion of showers, deodorant, and toothpaste.

Take heart some of this will rub off on your co-workers. Every office needs a leader and you, my friend, you hopefully guide others into the fabulous and exciting world of adulting.

P.S. in the meanwhile you can deal with the noxious office B.O. by putting Vick’s Vapor rub under your nostrils. It’s probably best you don’t ask me how I know this.

A Dear Snarky Holiday Buffet

So many Christmas conundrums. So little time. In an attempt to help spread some holiday happiness I bring you a trio of letters. Let’s hope my answers deliver a soupçon of seasonal sanity to your family gatherings.

Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 10.12.49 AMDear Snarky,

My mother-in-law spoils my children and goes overboard with presents. I’ve told her to stop but she won’t listen to me. I don’t think I can handle another Christmas where she’s trying to one up my husband and I in the gift department.

 Signed, Present Overkill

Dear Overkill,

Calm yourself and count your blessings. It’s a grandmother’s prerogative and great joy to spoil her grandchildren. If your kids are drowning in presents, I suggest discreetly donating some of the goodies to charity after the first of the year. P.S. Quit looking so hard for something to get your nose out of joint about. There are parents out there that would be THRILLED for their kids’ grandparents to so much as send a card.

Dear Snarky,

My weirdo and single sister actually expects us to buy a gift for her dog. She says her dog is like her child and since she buys presents for my four kids all the time, we can get her dog something.

Signed, No Way

Dear No Way,

Umm, no way, I say, yes way. Drag yourself off of your high horse and go get your sister’s dog a $10 chew toy and get over yourself. Also, being a pet lover and a single doesn’t make you a weirdo. It probably makes you very happy.

Dear Snarky,

My in-laws make the whole family go to Midnight Mass and I think it ruins Christmas morning for my kids (ages 8 and 10) because they’re so tired the next day. How do I get this tradition to stop?

 Signed, Not a Fan 

Dear Not a Fan,

Grab some caffeine and accept this hard truth. Midnight Mass isn’t going anywhere, and you know where you’re going – uh huh, that’s right to Midnight Mass. So, suck it up, have your kids take a nap and deal with traditions that are older than you are.

*I hope your holidays are drama free BUT if they’re not you know where to send your letter. snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com 😉