Dear Snarky – A DNA Test Ruined Our Family Reunion

Dear Snarky,

 My family reunion was a huge fiasco. My idiot cousin got one of those DNA tests and discovered that he had half siblings he didn’t know about. It looks like his dad, my uncle, cheated on his mom because one of those half siblings is my cousin’s age. 

He then thought it would a great idea to being his brand new two half siblings, who he had recently found and been in contact with, to the reunion and introduce them to the family. My uncle said he never even knew he had gotten their mother pregnant and was shocked. My aunt, his wife, got hysterical and we had to call 911 because we actually thought she has having a heart attack or seizure or both.

 Now, my cousin is asking for a family apology from everyone at the reunion for making his two newfound brothers feel so unwelcome. I think he’s the one who should apologize for putting everyone, including these new family members, in such a horrible spot.

 Signed, I need a Xanax.

Dear Xanax,

Your cousin needs his ass kicked. Make no mistake he was not motivated by kindness to his new kin. Nope. He used his two new bros as a weapon to shame and humiliate his father for having what amounts to a secret life. Mission accomplished there, but what he also did was put his mother in a horrendous situation and made his two half-brothers feel like they were part of a freak show at a carnival.

 If there’s any apologies to the family, it should be from your cousin. He needs to apologize to his new brothers for using them for his own messed up game and to his mother for humiliating her. As for his dad – the cheater – that’s a marital issue that everyone needs to stay out of. 

If I were those new family members I think I would go into hiding from your cousin because he sounds C-R-A-Z-Y!

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude  😉 please email snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com

 

Dear Snarky – My Ex Husband Brought A Date To Field Day!

Dear Snarky,

 My ex-husband hit a new low last week. We have been divorced for 6 months and for our son’s sake have tried to keep everything friendly. I thought we both were doing a decent job of that until my ex brought some random chick to my son’s elementary school field day.

 This girl, because she looked about 19, had on shorts that left nothing to the imagination and a bra top. My husband was all over her and it became the talk of Field Day. I tried to ignore it and focus on my son, but as you can imagine I was ready to walk up and punch both of them in the face.

 Because of what happened during Field Day I want to tell him that he can’t bring this girl to our son’s 5th grade graduation next week, but I’m afraid that might blow up in my face.

 Signed, Divorced Mama

 Dear Mama,

 First, I want to applaud you for keeping your emotions under control during Field Day and ignoring your jerk of an ex and his groping Olympics. By doing so you totally derailed his plan of getting a reaction from you. Because you see that’s what he wanted. His main reason for bringing a scantily dressed date to Field Day was to mess with you.

 This is why you need to say nothing to him about bringing a date to the 5th grade graduation. It will only embolden your ex to up his game. The best way to shut down this kind of behavior for good is to act oblivious to this idiot’s attention seeking antics.

 So go to your son’s graduation, enjoy your day and high five yourself for acting like a grown up. Your son needs that from you because it’s obvious his father doesn’t have that skill set.

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – Makeover Madness

Dear Snarky,

 My girlfriends and I are really angry over how a friend treated us. This friend dresses like a nun and as a gift to her we wanted to treat her to a surprise make over. She thought she was coming to my apartment for a movie and wine, but instead we plucked her eyebrows, fixed her hair, applied self tanner and put make up on her which she never uses. We also introduced her to a Spanx push up bra.

 When all this was going on she seemed okay, but then she started ghosting us. She didn’t answer our texts or phone calls. Finally she sent us a group text saying that we made her feel uncomfortable and hurt her feelings by criticizing her appearance

 Umm, really because we were trying to be good friends and now she’s being ungrateful. Should we tell her off or apologize to just get the whole mess over with?

 Signed, Make Over Madness

Dear Make Over,

 I get it. You and your friends think you have great taste (emphasis on the word think) and because of your stylish swagger believe that everyone should embrace your fashion aesthetic. But maybe you look like Snookie from her Jersey Shore days (sorry it was the self tanner comment that took me in that direction) and your friend has a very traditional appearance like the Duchess of Cambridge. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t look good. She just doesn’t look like you.

 Also did you ever consider that your friend maybe happy with her appearance? That she has no problem rocking the no make up look and that she likes to keep her chest, shall we say, a little less perky.

 You showed zero regard for what your friend wanted and were more about what you wanted – an ambush makeover. That’s good for a reality TV show, but no so awesome for maintaining a friendship. So yes, you most definitely need to apologize. And the next time you want to give someone a makeover fight the urge and take your next victim, oops sorry I meant friend, for a mani-pedi instead.    

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – Help! My Husband Won’t Stop Farting

 I’m at the end of my rope in regards to my husband and his selfishness. He’s lactose intolerant, like officially diagnosed by a doctor as being allergic to dairy, yet he’s still eating ice cream to the tune of a couple of gallons a week. This has my man farting non-stop and I mean loud, smelly farts.

 I cannot begin to tell you how embarrassing this is. We were at Target yesterday and he was carpet-bombing the entire store. It’s so bad I don’t want to go out in public with him anymore. I’ve begged him to not eat ice cream if we are going out. He tells me farting is natural and I should just get over it and he won’t switch to lactose free ice cream because “it’s not as good.”

I’m at the point I want to tell him to choose between ice cream and me. Help me Snarky figure this out so I don’t want to murder my husband.

 Signed, The Non-Gassy Spouse

Dear Non Gassy,

You should without hesitation tell your husband it’s me or ice cream sweetheart because while farting is a natural bodily function it’s gross to consistently free range fart in a public setting.  Furthermore, the fact that he’s gorging himself on gallons of ice cream when he knows the end result will be fartopia is just all kinds of wrong. 

For the love of Gas Ex I don’t understand how a grown man feels okay walking around expelling noxious fumes without a care in the world? And even if he doesn’t give a flip about it since he’s your husband he should care about you and your feelings. 

 So go ahead girlfriend and throw down the ultimatum. Your husband needs a wake up call or else your marriage is going to be a rocky road and I’m not talking about the ice cream flavor.

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – Poop Problems

Dear Snarky,

 What should I do? My neighbor has not one but THREE dogs. I know what you are thinking, “Oh, they probably bark a lot!” No, they POOP a lot and in my backyard too! The neighbor just lets them run free, do their business and come back inside.

 Nope, she is not out there watching if they go number 2 or not. Now, my backyard is a minefield of doggy doo. It seems like collecting the piles and leaving them on her doorstep would not be neighborly. What would you do?

 Sincerely, Steaming Mad

 PS- I don’t hate dogs, I have two of them myself. I just hate the inconsiderate humans that manage them.

Dear Steaming,

 Ugh, it’s a tale as old as time – people not policing their dog’s poop. And this is even worse because you know it’s a neighbor who is so flagrantly flaunting, in your very face, her “I don’t care attitude” in regards to decent behavior.

 This is why I feel you have to deploy the nuclear option – public shaming. Yep, you need to create a sign and put it up in your backyard for several days so your neighbor can’t help but see it. The sign should say:  “I know whose 3 dogs are using my yard as their bathroom and as a neighborhood courtesy you need to pick up after your dogs.”

 This will do three things – all positive.

 1) Start a neighborhood conversation about dog poop picking up.

2) Put any non dog poop picker upper on high alert 

3) Let your neighbor know that you’re on to her and it needs to stop.

 Now, you might be saying – “Yikes, this seems harsh.” But if your neighbor wanted to be your friend, or had even the slightest good manners, she wouldn’t have let her dogs daily abuse use your yard by making it a public toilet. It’s time, in this situation, for you to poop or get off the pot.    

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – My “Mansplaining” Brother-In-Law Just Told Me Pain During Childbirth Was A Myth

Dear Snarky,

 I have a new brother-in-law who is so annoying every time I’m forced to spend time with him I get a stress rash. He thinks he’s the authority on all topics and talks down to women. I’m 8 months pregnant and the final straw was when he “mansplained” to me that pain during childbirth is a myth made up by women to make their husbands feel bad.

 I couldn’t help myself and I went off on him even yelling my sister that it wasn’t too late to get her marriage annulled. Now, as you can imagine, there’s a huge rift between my sister and I and she’s demanding an apology. I want to tell her – that’s never going to happen. Am I right to stand my ground on this one?

 Signed, Pregnant & Angry

Dear Pregnant,

 Idiots, especially idiots who think childbirth is a pain-free process, a veritable walk in the park on a sunny, spring afternoon, don’t deserve apologies. If anyone should get the “I’m sorry” it’s you.

 Sure, you might have screamed that your sister should get her marriage annulled, but I would consider that a community service not an act of aggression. You new brother-in-law needs to learn when to keep his uniformed opinions to himself and your sister needs to quit defending him and start demanding that he thinks before he speaks. 

 So girlfriend, you and your big, beautiful, baby bump need to stand proud and perhaps think about sharing some of the magic of labor with your brother-in-law by sending him audio texts of you “enjoying” what he calls a pain-free experience.

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – My Co-Worker Won’t Quit Singing

Dear Snarky,

 I’m about to lose my mind. I work with a woman who sings or hums constantly! If she’s sitting at her desk she’s humming. When she’s walking around she’s singing everything from show tunes to Taylor Swift. It seems to get worse when The Voice is airing because it’s as if she’s showing off or waiting for someone to tell her she has talent or something.

 I work for a large company and our office is basically a cubicle farm and I’m not the only one she’s driving crazy. It’s pretty much all anyone talks about and yes we have asked her to be quiet. Her reply was “a lot of people like my singing.” Don’t tell me to wear headphones because that’s not allowed.

What can we do to shut this woman up? I’m about to need anti-anxiety meds to deal with the situation.

 Signed, Stop Singing,

Dear Stop,

Yikes! That would also drive me crazy, like fingernails on a chalkboard crazy. Since you mentioned that you work for a large company I suggest visiting human resources ASAP, but go prepared. Keep a diary of your co-worker’s singing/humming for one week and to back it up I would record some of this woman’s greatest hits.

This way when you walk into human resources, with at least two other co-workers so you don’t look like a grump, corporate can’t assume you’re exaggerating or are just sensitive to sounds because you’ll have proof.  I don’t care if someone is Taylor Swift no one wants to hear anyone singing or humming on a constant loop. It’s beyond rude, smacks of zero home training and speaks to an abundant and needy ego.

 *If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

Dear Snarky – My Future Sisters-In-Laws Want to Drop Out As Bridesmaids

Dear Snarky,

I’m getting married in four months and I’ve got two future sisters-in-laws that are threatening to drop out as bridesmaids and it’s all over my wedding dress.

A couple of months ago we did the big wedding dress shopping thing where you bring your entire wedding party to try on gowns. It was awful. For one thing I don’t like to shop and I didn’t like the idea of buying a dress based more on other people opinions than my own. Also, I have a strict budget and didn’t appreciate when almost everyone, except my mother, were suggesting dresses more than three times what I could afford. I ended up not buying a dress that day.

Last week, on my lunch hour, I ran into a chain bridal store and found a dress I loved that was marked down to half price! I’m thrilled. My problem is my soon to be sister-in-laws are furious that they got “ripped off from the dress shopping experience” and have mocked me that I got my dress on clearance. Now, they both have told me they don’t want to be in the wedding party because “I’m not doing it right.”

I don’t want to cause in-law problems before the marriage even starts. Do you have any advice how to diffuse this situation?

Signed, Bummed Out Bride

Dear Bummed Out,

Turn that frown upside down and do the happy dance because bouncing your two control freak, icky future sister-in-laws from your wedding party sounds fabulous.

Let me do a quick wedding primer for bridesmaids – get over yourself. The wedding is not about you. And the whole bringing everyone you’ve ever known including your pre-school soccer team with you to try on dresses is one of the worst ideas ever. I know that’s what happens on TV shows, but sane, non-reality television people usually don’t bring a posse to a bridal store.

As for your soon to be sister-in-laws I would call their bluff. Instead of begging them to be in your wedding graciously tell them you totally understand if they no longer want to be bridesmaids due to your differing opinions on wedding planning and leave it at that. Then count to 10 and watch these attention seeking losers back track their way to bridesmaids status. 

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – A Lemonade Stand is Pissing Me Off

Dear Snarky,

My entire cul-de-sac now hates our neighbor’s kids. Since the beginning of the month every single warm day the kids set up a lemonade stand and harass anyone walking, biking or even driving a car by their stand. The kids are also so loud they sound like carnival barkers. I’m in my house with all the doors and windows closed and I can still hear them shouting non stop – “Buy our lemonade! You better buy our lemonade!” (P.S. The lemonade is $1.00 for a Dixie Cup sized sip.)

To make matters worse if you don’t stop and buy lemonade the mom, if she’s outside, will heckle you. Last week, she yelled at me with “What’s wrong with you? Who doesn’t buy lemonade from kids? You just said to no to kids. Unbelievable!”

These kids are homeschooled so they’re always outside even at 11 a.m. on a weekday. It’s like you can’t escape them.

Signed, I Want My Quiet Neighborhood Back.

Dear Quiet,

A person who believes in the goodness of mankind would tell you to have a friendly conversation with this mom and gently ask if the lemonade hawking could be scaled back and perhaps sold at a lower volume.

But because I’m already inclined to believe that this mom is a jerk. I mean, come on, who audibly shames people for not buying her kids’ lemonade, I’m going to suggest a more hard-core option.

I checked with the local police and there’s not much they can do, but they did offer up a back door solution. Call City Hall and talk to their Code Enforcement officer. Your neighbor is quite possibly violating city code in terms of soliciting. It seems a perennial lemonade stand is frowned upon in most suburban neighborhoods.

This solution keeps you out of it in terms of any direct neighbor finger-pointing and it serves as a heads up to the lemonade gang that they’re overstepping the bounds of cute kids selling fruity drinks and entering the harassment zone.

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – I Was Job Backstabbed By My Bestie

Dear Snarky,

 My best friend just threw me under the bus. She works for a large company and I noticed they had an opening that fit me perfectly. When I asked her about the job she agreed I would be awesome at it and told me to put her down as a reference.

 Come to find out I never even got an interview and another friend told me that my best friend not only didn’t give me a reference, but she went out of her way to make sure I didn’t get the job.

 I couldn’t believe it so I asked her about and she admitted to me that she thought “our friendship was too precious” for us to work together. Say what? The company is huge and has campuses all over the city. We wouldn’t even have been working together in the same zip code.

  I’m so hurt and I can’t understand why she would do this to me. Do you have any advice what to do next?

 Signed, Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

 Let’s think positive for a minute. You might have lost out on a job, but you did find out that your best friend is a huge jerk and you need to fire her from that position.

 Yes, I know that doesn’t sound positive, but knowledge is power and now you know not to waste another second being besties with someone who is a liar and backstabber and I’m guessing probably very jealous of you.

 Here’s what a best friend should have done. If she didn’t want you working at the same company for “friendship” reasons she should have expressed that concern straight up and you two should have discussed it. Perhaps, the issue could even be that she thinks you’re a flake and that you wouldn’t be a good hire. If that’s the problem your friend could have  pointed out that the job most likely wouldn’t be a great  fit because it’s very demanding and that the corporate culture goes way beyond 9 to 5.

What she shouldn’t have done is lied to you, encouraged you to apply for the job and then mercilessly sabotaged you.

 My advice is keep on job AND best friend hunting because you need to be in the market for a new one.

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.