Ready for a spooky story just in time for Halloween? Well, then gather around because here’s a tale of a spine-tingling vanity that induced screams of terror from me.
You know in the scary movies when the woman goes outside or opens a door to investigate some weird sound she hears and you yell at the screen – “No, you idiot, don’t do it!” Well, I should have been shouting those exact words when I entered an area with the frightening name “cosmetic dermatology.”
Just like in any good horror film I didn’t mean to head in the direction where danger (to my ego) lurked. I was actually at the dermatologist for a skin cancer check up or as I like to call it “a stroll down mole lane.” But buoyed by the good news that my skin seemed suspicious mole, weird dot and funky freckle free I thought I would saunter over to the cosmetic area of the practice and just inquire about perhaps making an appointment to talk about Botox.
I’ve never had any but, you know, maybe it was time. Or at least that’s what my 10X lighted makeup mirror was telling me. Oh, and my car rearview mirror when the sun was beaming in just right and my cell phone any time the camera icon was mistakenly turned towards my face.
Well, imagine the feeling of kismet when I was told there had just been a cancellation so they could talk to me right now. I almost said no because I wanted to make some notes before I had a consultation, but then I thought carpe diem let’s do this.
Yeah, not my worst idea ever but definitely not one of my best. The problem was I was woefully unprepared for the brutally honest take down of my face. I should have known that when you talk to people in the field of cosmetic dermatology their job is to point out ways they can improve your face and in doing so you may find out things you didn’t want to know.
For example, that you have one eyebrow that sags, a protruding jaw line, and “marionette lines so severe” that a full face lift would be required to fix the problem. And people, these were just the highlights. There was a lot more.
The good news was I could start with some Botox right now to help correct issues like my sagging eyebrow. The bad news was this beginner course of Botox was upwards of $700.
At this point I had to confess that I was a woman who was still trying to convince myself to spend $300 on a rug at a HomeGoods so getting $700 worth of Botox right then and there wasn’t going to happen. To drive that point home I added that I currently had about $200 on me along with a Bath and Bodywork coupon for two for one candles.
As you can imagine at that point that consultation ended and I literally ran out of there like I was being chased by the hounds of hell. I immediately started texting my family for solace and received gems like this one from my son, “Why do you care about one sagging eyebrow? It’s not like anyone’s looking at you that closely.”
My husband’s response wasn’t much better. “Get rid of your magnifying mirror. Problem solved.”
My daughter, my last hope for a compliment, texted, “I like that you look old/ your age.”
Thanks a lot family for coming through in my time of need. Don’t think I won’t remember this. (#ChristmasPresents) I’m also going to remember that Botox estimate because I’m totally not adversed to giving it a try. But for now, I’m going to keep my face as is – saggy eyebrow and all.
P.S. I did get that rug.
You know what keeps you young? Laughter. For some robust LOLs be sure to check out my latest book FOUR SEAONS OF SNARKY! It’s chock-full of some of the greatest hits from Snarky in the Suburbs. Where schemes, payback, and retribution scenarios all tell the tale of a woman who will admit she might be crazy, but you know in a good way.
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