Dear Snarky – Help! The Bride Has Demanded All of Her Bridesmaids Go on the Keto Diet

Dear Snarky,

Is there a nice way to get out of being a bridesmaid in wedding without saying, “F off!”

 My cousin is getting married in December and she told all five of her bridesmaids that we have to go on the Keto diet or else. She’s even demanding that we put the Keto diet app on our phones and then every day send her our nutritional logs along with a weekly weigh in.

 She told us that for her wedding to be “Insta fabulous” there’s a strict no fatties allowed rule. None of the bridesmaids are even what I would call fat. So, I just think she’s being a hateful bitch who thinks she can control us because we’re in her wedding. I want to get out now because you know it’s going to get worse by December.

 What’s the classiest way to drop out?

 Signed, Ready to Go

Dear Go,

 I think I would forget about being classy and just tell this monster of a bride that if being a bridesmaid in her wedding means humiliating yourself and allowing her to interfere in your personal business up to and including your private health information than you are tendering your bridesmaid resignation effective immediately.

 If this shrew throws a fit so be it. Just walk away with your pride in tact and under no circumstances let other family members try to talk you back into being a bridesmaid. This cousin isn’t worthy of your presence.

 And mark my words once you defect other bridesmaids will follow your lead because being a bride doesn’t give you carte blanche to ride roughshod over anyone else’s life with outrageous demands. In my opinion this woman doesn’t need to get married she needs an extended stay at a mental health clinic because she be crazy.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – My Future Sisters-In-Laws Want to Drop Out As Bridesmaids

Dear Snarky,

I’m getting married in four months and I’ve got two future sisters-in-laws that are threatening to drop out as bridesmaids and it’s all over my wedding dress.

A couple of months ago we did the big wedding dress shopping thing where you bring your entire wedding party to try on gowns. It was awful. For one thing I don’t like to shop and I didn’t like the idea of buying a dress based more on other people opinions than my own. Also, I have a strict budget and didn’t appreciate when almost everyone, except my mother, were suggesting dresses more than three times what I could afford. I ended up not buying a dress that day.

Last week, on my lunch hour, I ran into a chain bridal store and found a dress I loved that was marked down to half price! I’m thrilled. My problem is my soon to be sister-in-laws are furious that they got “ripped off from the dress shopping experience” and have mocked me that I got my dress on clearance. Now, they both have told me they don’t want to be in the wedding party because “I’m not doing it right.”

I don’t want to cause in-law problems before the marriage even starts. Do you have any advice how to diffuse this situation?

Signed, Bummed Out Bride

Dear Bummed Out,

Turn that frown upside down and do the happy dance because bouncing your two control freak, icky future sister-in-laws from your wedding party sounds fabulous.

Let me do a quick wedding primer for bridesmaids – get over yourself. The wedding is not about you. And the whole bringing everyone you’ve ever known including your pre-school soccer team with you to try on dresses is one of the worst ideas ever. I know that’s what happens on TV shows, but sane, non-reality television people usually don’t bring a posse to a bridal store.

As for your soon to be sister-in-laws I would call their bluff. Instead of begging them to be in your wedding graciously tell them you totally understand if they no longer want to be bridesmaids due to your differing opinions on wedding planning and leave it at that. Then count to 10 and watch these attention seeking losers back track their way to bridesmaids status. 

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Snarky – My Friend is Marrying “Mr. No F’ing Fun”

Dear SnarkyBRIDESMAID

I’m one of six bridesmaids in a longtime friend’s wedding and half of us feel like we need to do an intervention because we feel like our friend is settling in her choice of a husband.  The groom is quite frankly a huge med school nerd and behind his back we call him “No F’ing Fun.”  The bride used to be a blast to party with and was always the girl with the hottest guys. Now, we’re lucky if we can get her to drink and she said no to a girl’s trip to Vegas for her bachelorette party. It’s killing us to see our friend change her personality for a man.

Signed, Bummed Out Bridesmaid

Dear Bummed Out,

 The short answer is no to an intervention and yes to keeping your mouth shut and only using it to smile during the wedding. Have you thought about that maybe your friend, the bride, is growing up and that she doesn’t want to get drunk every night? That maybe she was getting tired of partying and welcomes a more stable relationship not based on booze? And that maybe she said no to a trip to Vegas because she didn’t want to incur the expense or ask her bridesmaids’ to pony up more money?

 Remember just because you think the groom is “no fun” doesn’t mean he’s not going to be a great husband. And your idea of what “settling is” could be vastly different from your friend’s. 

Now if, on the off chance, the bride is reshaping her personality to please her future husband because he’s a control freak your best bet is sit down with your friend and say, “I’m happy if you’re happy,  but remember if you ever need me I’m here for you no matter what.”  That’s the way to have your friends back without her feeling ganged up on or judged.