The pools are officially open and resplendent with young lifeguards perched in their command post chairs and swinging their whistles. Every year I watch these toned and low BMI individuals and think that this whole lifeguard thing could be vastly improved by the implementation of a “Middle Aged Mom Guard.” Think about it, there’s just so much these teenaged guards don’t know and if you want a pool really safe you’ll need a mom on your employee roster.
Oh please, don’t even try to think for one second a mom couldn’t handle the physical rigors of saving a life. Back in the day, when I was a lifeguard we didn’t have the whole red rescue tube of it all. We jumped in with nothing but our American Red Cross certification badge (sewn to our swimsuit by our mother) to grab a kid or drunk dad from the jaws of death. Plus, there’s hardly a mom out there who hasn’t, with one hand, subdued and buckled a toddler having a tantrum into a car seat all while holding an infant and maybe a Diet Coke with her other hand. All this means we’ve got the mad skills to wrestle and rescue an panicking swimmer who may try to drown us in the process. That’s what the red tube is for by the way. It’s a throw and go so your rescuee doesn’t take you down to the bottom of the pool.
But saving lives would be the least of what a Middle Aged Mom Guard (all while wearing a swimskirt, of course) would bring to the aquatic arena. Her skills would be far reaching.
On Site Dermatologist referral. Trust me, I am not the only mom that has spent hours at the pool or waterpark thinking, “Wow, that person really needs to get that mole checked.” We are experts in the ABCDE of mole screening. You know, asymmetry, border, color, diameter and evolving. I see a Mom Guard as a first responder in the fight against skin cancer. The Middle Aged Mom Guard would also approach teenage girls practicing the solar self abuse ritual known as tanning and hose them down with liquid zinc oxide all while scolding them for being idiots.
Family Therapist: When the misguided dad tries to force his young child to go off the high dive or do the altitude enhanced water slide the Middle Aged Mom Guard would gently intervene. She will explain to the parent that at best he will be giving the kid night terrors or a regression back into a pull up and at worst the kid is going to have trust issues that will manifest in the teen years and result in underage drinking and a prescription drug problem. In other words, it’s just not worth it. Leave the kid alone, relax, and realize that maybe not this summer, but some summer, the kid will jump off the high dive.
Mom Shaming: This is a job no teenager is equipped to handle or has the skill set to recognize the signs. Mom shaming takes a delicate touch to get the desired results. It’s like taming a hungry Grizzly while covered in bacon bits and BBQ sauce. A Middle Aged Mom Guard would approach the mothers who think the phrase “it takes a village” applies to the pool and re-educate them on the realities of swimming safety.
We all know these mothers. The ones that put a pair of floaties on their toddler and then stretch out on a lawn chair or become enraptured with their phone as their kid sets sails for the deep end. Or the ones who drop off six kids at the pool all under the age of 10 and think it’s okay for them to fend for themselves for eight hours because, “Hey, the lifeguard is like a babysitter right?” The Mom Guard would, corral, lasso, round up (insert livestock term of your choice) these parents and deliver in a gentle but no nonsense tone that they’re stinking it up in the parenting department and need to pull their head out before one of their kids drown.
Swimsuit Police: Who better than a Middle Aged Mom Guard to lead the fight against butt crack? Ever vigilant and not afraid to tell a teenage boy to pull the drawstring on his swim trunks a whole lot tighter this job was made for a mother. If anyone else told a teen, or a non relative that they were showing a little too much cheek in a public setting or that they might want to consider getting their swimsuit top lined or at the very least going up a size it would be creepy but from a mom it just sounds right.
If any local pool is interested in creating this position. Call me. Never let it be said that I wasn’t committed to the greater good of society. I’ll have my swimskirt and SPF 50 at the ready.
**For more Snarky check out my book Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School.
Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good. Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival. If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you