Dear Snarky – I Feel Like My Friends Are Gaslighting Me

Dear Snarky,

 I think I have flushed some longstanding friendships down the toilet. One of my friends was driving me absolutely crazy by whining nonstop on social media, group texts etc about how hurt and devastated she was that her 11-year-old son didn’t have his 5th grade graduation.

 She literally wouldn’t shut up about it. A couple of days ago I couldn’t take it anymore, so I told her in a group text that no one really cares about a 5th grade graduation that lasts 30 minutes and takes place in the cafeteria. I also said she needs to get woke to the fact that she was doing more whining than seniors in high school and college who were really missing out on graduation.

 I knew she would get mad at me for pointing out the obvious but what really angered me is that after I sent that text friends in the group text called me and were thanking me for “finally saying what needed to be said” BUT then they didn’t have my back and in another group text were calling me out for “being mean.”

 I felt like I was being gaslighted and right now I’m confused. Are any of these women my actual friends? Why all this playing both sides B.S.?

 Signed, Defriended

Dear Defriended,

 These women suck. All of them. To begin with they knew exactly what they were doing by calling you on the phone and not texting you. The phone call doesn’t exactly leave the evidence trail a text does. If you say, “But on the phone you told me that you agreed with me.” They can respond with, “I never said that” or “You got what I said mixed up.”

 This proves that the phone calls were calculated and that their plan all along was to play both sides which is super lame.

 As for the whiny mom going on and on about her kid missing out on a 5th grade graduation well at best she was tone deaf and at worst she’s a moron. You need to be very careful what you complain about right now. If in the middle of a pandemic your family is healthy and you’re able to pay your bills you should count yourself very, very, lucky.

 I don’t want to dismiss this mom’s sadness about a 5th grade milestone but if that’s the worst thing that has happened to you these last few months then gratitude is in order.

 In fact, I applaud you for telling your friend to get some perspective. Perhaps, you might have not done it in a group text and been a tad more diplomatic, but what’s done is done and the woman sounds annoying as hell so hey, maybe delivering some unfiltered honesty was what was needed.

 Right now, I advise taking a break from all these women for a little while and really think about if you want friends that have problems taking a stand and more importantly being honest. I personally think you can do better.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

 

Dear Snarky – My Best Friend Is a Mean Girl Mom

Dear Snarky,

 I have recently broken off a longstanding friendship with a woman because her daughter is a total  mean girl bitch to my daughter (both our girls go to the same middle school). My “friend” thinks I’m being unreasonable and whatever troubles our girls are having I should just let them work it out. She doesn’t think I should let it impact our 10+ year friendship.

 I think that is a bunch of B.S. The fact that her child is so horrible to my daughter that even teachers have said something about it and my friend, her mother, does nothing is enough of a reason for me to end our friendship.

Do you think I’m being quote “unreasonable” or do you think I’m doing the right thing?

 Signed, Family First

Dear Family,

 Honestly, I’m probably the wrong person to help you because I’m a first class grudge holder. If a friend’s child was consistently mean to my daughter I would terminate that friendship before you could say WTH? I think it would be not only disloyal but also harmful to your daughter for her to see her mother, her number one advocate on planet Earth, still being all nicey-nicey to the mom of the girl terrorizing her.

 I believe you’re doing the right thing and because I’m on roll I’ll even hypothesize that a mean girl is a reflection of her family. So, I would want nothing to do with the child or the parents. I know some people are going to say both of us are overreacting but when it comes to my family I have zero tolerance for people who treat any member like crap.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky “Advice With An Attitude” send your letter to snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉

Dear Snarky – Mom Friendship 101

Screen Shot 2014-03-25 at 1.24.28 PMI get a lot of letters from mothers about their feelings being hurt for a variety of reasons from not being invited to join the neighborhood supper club to feeling like their being shunned by the cool moms at a PTA meeting. So, I decided to address these issues with one big lesson – Call it Mom Friendship 101.

The first and most important thing every woman needs to learn about mom friendships is Hurt Feelings Are a Time Suck. So, you didn’t get asked to join some other moms from your kids schools for a lunch party or your invite for the neighborhood pot luck got lost in the mail. Your first thought shouldn’t be “Oh wow, I feel left out and sad.” Instead go with “Yippee it’s one less thing on my to do list” and get on with your day.

Do not over think it, analyze it or try to imagine what you could have done differently to secure an invite. This is also a huge time suck and will get you nowhere but closer to drinking the boxed wine in your refrigerator before noon. Because and this is very important information, so please feel free to take notes, the reason you’re not being included probably has very little to do with you. It could be the moms going out for lunch have friendships that started back in college or, and this happens a lot, their kids are all in the same extracurricular activities, let’s say little league, and the moms want to meet up to complain about and plot against the coach.

Do not make the mistake of expecting that just because you’re in the same supper club, bible study group or serving together on the PTA that you should be included in any and all social endeavors that members of these groups partake in. You are an adult and the kindergarten rule of every child in the class gets invited to the birthday party no longer applies. So get those yoga pants out of twist and buck up.

If your happiness hinges on your social calendar – plan your own parties (there’s no better way to hone your own exclusionary tactics), volunteer for fundraising galas or look for a job as an event planner. Otherwise be content with the bounty that is already in front of you.

Lastly, and this has worked for years for me – if you don’t get invited to something or are feeling left out just tell yourself the reason you weren’t included is that the group is probably a bunch of swingers, you know what I’m talking about, and you being a morally upright individual just wouldn’t fit in.

If you have questions for Dear Snarky please email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com