Dear Snarky – Mom Friendship 101

Screen Shot 2014-03-25 at 1.24.28 PMI get a lot of letters from mothers about their feelings being hurt for a variety of reasons from not being invited to join the neighborhood supper club to feeling like their being shunned by the cool moms at a PTA meeting. So, I decided to address these issues with one big lesson – Call it Mom Friendship 101.

The first and most important thing every woman needs to learn about mom friendships is Hurt Feelings Are a Time Suck. So, you didn’t get asked to join some other moms from your kids schools for a lunch party or your invite for the neighborhood pot luck got lost in the mail. Your first thought shouldn’t be “Oh wow, I feel left out and sad.” Instead go with “Yippee it’s one less thing on my to do list” and get on with your day.

Do not over think it, analyze it or try to imagine what you could have done differently to secure an invite. This is also a huge time suck and will get you nowhere but closer to drinking the boxed wine in your refrigerator before noon. Because and this is very important information, so please feel free to take notes, the reason you’re not being included probably has very little to do with you. It could be the moms going out for lunch have friendships that started back in college or, and this happens a lot, their kids are all in the same extracurricular activities, let’s say little league, and the moms want to meet up to complain about and plot against the coach.

Do not make the mistake of expecting that just because you’re in the same supper club, bible study group or serving together on the PTA that you should be included in any and all social endeavors that members of these groups partake in. You are an adult and the kindergarten rule of every child in the class gets invited to the birthday party no longer applies. So get those yoga pants out of twist and buck up.

If your happiness hinges on your social calendar – plan your own parties (there’s no better way to hone your own exclusionary tactics), volunteer for fundraising galas or look for a job as an event planner. Otherwise be content with the bounty that is already in front of you.

Lastly, and this has worked for years for me – if you don’t get invited to something or are feeling left out just tell yourself the reason you weren’t included is that the group is probably a bunch of swingers, you know what I’m talking about, and you being a morally upright individual just wouldn’t fit in.

If you have questions for Dear Snarky please email me at



13 thoughts on “Dear Snarky – Mom Friendship 101

  1. Abby says:

    Good advice especially about not over thinking it! I used to play that mental mind game and it is a huge time suck.

  2. Pearl ;) says:

    Another well worded lesson. I don’t question invites or non-invites to mom things or school group deals. And, in return, I except the same courtesy from those I don’t invite to my functions. As adults, they don’t owe me an explanation as to with whom or how they spend their time, and I don’t owe them. Not being a bitch, just real life. And like Snarky said, it probably had nothing to do with you in the first place.

  3. patti gregory says:

    Good post and good advice. Ironically, I posted “Olympic Sport: Moms Judging Moms” just today. Moms can be a crazy bunch! My experience is that the really nasty Moms have something else going on in their lives that’s making them nasty. They need our sympathy. And, I know a little something about Swingers because my son who is a senior in college wrote a play by that name. Do not ask me where he got his material for such a play because it was not from us!

  4. Mrs. Bizzle says:

    Sadly, the social hierarchy that existed among girls in high school doesn’t change all that much in adulthood. When the hubs and I are invited to parties, I usually hang out with the dudes. They are much funnier, what you see is what you get, and for the love of God, they don’t talk excessively about their kids.

  5. Suzy says:

    Or, it IS because they just don’t like you. And so what? Chances are, if they don’t like me, it’s because I didn’t like them first. ;).

  6. Mom Meets Blog says:

    Excellent advice, and I also stay away from the moms who whip out the ‘why did they leave me out’ card (usually over a non-fat latte at Starbucks), a special breed who try to time suck you into their pity vortex – misery truly does love company, and an extra brain to help analyze it!

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