Dear Snarky – I’m Invited to a Teacher’s Lingerie Shower

Dear Snarky,

 I just left my daughter’s second grade Valentine’s Day party and I’m sitting in my car typing this letter to you because I’m so mad. At the party the two room moms were handing out invitations to a bridal shower for the teacher who is getting married over spring break. No big deal except that the bridal shower is a lingerie party and the teacher is registered at Victoria’s Secret. If that’s not enough the lingerie shower will be held in the classroom after school in two weeks while the kids play outside.

 I wouldn’t mind everyone chipping in $5 gift card BUT a lingerie shower – Are you kidding me?  I don’t want to know my kid’s teacher’s underwear size or what kind of bra she wears. I pay a lot of money for my child to attend a catholic school and none of this says Christian education to me.

 Do I say something to the room moms about the party theme or just not go?

Signed, Speechlessscreen-shot-2017-02-21-at-1-44-02-pm

 Dear Speechless,

 I share your angst. I want to right now go on record as saying an elementary school classroom is no place for a Victoria’s Secret cheekster thong. Are these room moms high? Has the teacher temporarily lost her mind due to extreme wedding planning fatigue? None of this okay.

 It’s beyond inappropriate for parents to host a lingerie shower for a teacher. I don’t care if the lingerie is from Walmart. It’s still not cool. If the room moms want to throw a party it should be a joint Bed, Bath and Beyond gift certificate from the class with cards from the kids and some cupcakes.

 Next, the very thought of the innocence of a second grade classroom being sullied with Victoria’s Secret push up bras and other unmentionables is all kinds of wrong. Lingerie and reading charts should never be mixed. At best the whole situation reeks of extreme awkwardness.

 And yes no parent should ever know a teacher’s panty preference.

 I would get with some other like-minded moms, and by that I mean mothers who aren’t crazy, and see if you can talk the room moms into changing the shower theme. Use the excuse that you want it be something the kids could be a part of like a kitchen shower. I also think the teacher needs a stern talking to from her principal. How could she have agreed to this! I don’t care how pushy these room moms are a good teacher needs to be able to say NO All. Day. Long.

 *If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With An Attitude – please email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or send me a PM on the Snarky Facebook page.

 

For All The Moms Who Have Completed Their Elementary School Tour of Duty

Screen Shot 2015-05-29 at 11.13.12 AMI have my fair share of personality quirks. One of them is that I’m not very sentimental. For example, I didn’t need a box of Kleenex and waterproof mascara when my youngest child completed her elementary school career. It’s actually surprising to me the number of mothers that get all choked up about this “milestone.”

Listen up moms, instead of boo hoo you should be going yahoo! Because not having a child in elementary is a cornucopia of awesome. Yes, there’s still a whole lot of stuff to deal with parenting an older child, like teen angst, having a kid drive and all that college prep stress. But there’s also freedom for you, as in you no longer have to be involved in the day-to-day management of your kid’s classroom life.

Just in case you doubt me on this I have compiled the top four reasons to be elated that you are no longer an elementary school mom.

No More Dioramas – This alone should be reason enough for a party. You can now actually look at a shoebox without experiencing harrowing flashbacks to various diorama dramas. I’m still haunted by my daughter’s second grade diorama project that featured the planet Saturn. Do you know how hard it is to get the rings of Saturn not just around a shoebox, but to stay affixed? Let me help you out with that answer. It’s four glasses of wine hard.

No More Homework Help – Yeah, your kid may still need help with their homework in high school, but you won’t be smart enough to do it. I don’t care if you’re right now doing the math for a manned mission to Mars high school algebra will still be beyond your capability. The reason is because the way you were taught to do algebra back in the day is all wrong. Sure, the answers will be the same, but the show your work part will not be up to the 21st century spread sheet that is now high school math.

No More Room Moms – I can say this because I have a long history of being a room mom, so here goes – room moms can suck. In my experience they come in four varieties:

1) They’re either laid back and focused on fun for the kids.

2) Super anal and controlling to the point that you get 20 emails and 32 texts reminding you that you signed up to bring napkins to the winter party.

3) They volunteered for the gig so they could attempt to be the teacher’s bestie and could care less about actually getting things done.

4) Put the B in the bitch and are using their “room mom” status as phase one in their goal for global domination.

To experience a school year without a room mom or home room party obligation is a most joyous thing.

No More Book Report Projects – My children’s book report projects almost killed MY love of reading. You might as well have signed me up for electroshock therapy whenever one of them announced they had a book project due.

I thought I was an emotionally strong woman until my son had an assignment that involved him making a puppet. I’m not ashamed to admit that a puppet of George Washington broke me – not just a little bit, but on my knees in the kitchen doing the ugly cry broke me.

It felt all kinds of wrong hating the father of our country, but hate him I did because I had to construct a freaking marionette puppet of G.W. in all his breeches, pilgrim shoe and tricorn hat glory.

Oh, and just in case you’re thinking big deal you had to draw and color puppet let me clue you in to the fact that the puppet had to be wearing clothes. That’s right, I had to sew a teeny, tiny presidential outfit.

Finally, I got smart about the project and just gave up on the whole marionette thing of attaching strings. I also abandon ship on sewing. In a final act of desperation I raided my daughter’s Barbie Princess Castle, stripped the Prince Charming doll of his pants and shirt and called it a day.

The next morning as I walked my son into his classroom I was feeling okay about the puppet. It wasn’t great, but it looked like an 8 year-old-had done it (or an emotionally fragile mom at 2 a.m). Then I saw the rest of the kids’ puppets. God Bless America, one girl had a George Washington puppet that was three feet tall, outfitted in satin breeches with a cutaway jacket, a cravat and hair! The puppet had a wig. Who does that? It was also outfitted with a voice box.

The puppet, I kid you not, sang the Star Spangled Banner. It may have been highly immature of me to point out to the girl’s mother the historical inaccuracy of George Washington singing the Star Spangled Banner, but how could I not? You don’t just bring a wig-wearing puppet into a classroom and not expect some blowback.

So for all you moms who are no longer parenting an elementary school child rejoice for you are free or at least free from show off mothers who have puppeteering skills.

*Attencover_1.3-2tion Snarky Friends, I have a brand new book out. It’s the second in the Snarky in the Suburbs series – Snarky in the Suburbs Trouble In Texas. You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read.  I hope you like it! 🙂