For All The Moms Who Have Completed Their Elementary School Tour of Duty

Screen Shot 2015-05-29 at 11.13.12 AMI have my fair share of personality quirks. One of them is that I’m not very sentimental. For example, I didn’t need a box of Kleenex and waterproof mascara when my youngest child completed her elementary school career. It’s actually surprising to me the number of mothers that get all choked up about this “milestone.”

Listen up moms, instead of boo hoo you should be going yahoo! Because not having a child in elementary is a cornucopia of awesome. Yes, there’s still a whole lot of stuff to deal with parenting an older child, like teen angst, having a kid drive and all that college prep stress. But there’s also freedom for you, as in you no longer have to be involved in the day-to-day management of your kid’s classroom life.

Just in case you doubt me on this I have compiled the top four reasons to be elated that you are no longer an elementary school mom.

No More Dioramas – This alone should be reason enough for a party. You can now actually look at a shoebox without experiencing harrowing flashbacks to various diorama dramas. I’m still haunted by my daughter’s second grade diorama project that featured the planet Saturn. Do you know how hard it is to get the rings of Saturn not just around a shoebox, but to stay affixed? Let me help you out with that answer. It’s four glasses of wine hard.

No More Homework Help – Yeah, your kid may still need help with their homework in high school, but you won’t be smart enough to do it. I don’t care if you’re right now doing the math for a manned mission to Mars high school algebra will still be beyond your capability. The reason is because the way you were taught to do algebra back in the day is all wrong. Sure, the answers will be the same, but the show your work part will not be up to the 21st century spread sheet that is now high school math.

No More Room Moms – I can say this because I have a long history of being a room mom, so here goes – room moms can suck. In my experience they come in four varieties:

1) They’re either laid back and focused on fun for the kids.

2) Super anal and controlling to the point that you get 20 emails and 32 texts reminding you that you signed up to bring napkins to the winter party.

3) They volunteered for the gig so they could attempt to be the teacher’s bestie and could care less about actually getting things done.

4) Put the B in the bitch and are using their “room mom” status as phase one in their goal for global domination.

To experience a school year without a room mom or home room party obligation is a most joyous thing.

No More Book Report Projects – My children’s book report projects almost killed MY love of reading. You might as well have signed me up for electroshock therapy whenever one of them announced they had a book project due.

I thought I was an emotionally strong woman until my son had an assignment that involved him making a puppet. I’m not ashamed to admit that a puppet of George Washington broke me – not just a little bit, but on my knees in the kitchen doing the ugly cry broke me.

It felt all kinds of wrong hating the father of our country, but hate him I did because I had to construct a freaking marionette puppet of G.W. in all his breeches, pilgrim shoe and tricorn hat glory.

Oh, and just in case you’re thinking big deal you had to draw and color puppet let me clue you in to the fact that the puppet had to be wearing clothes. That’s right, I had to sew a teeny, tiny presidential outfit.

Finally, I got smart about the project and just gave up on the whole marionette thing of attaching strings. I also abandon ship on sewing. In a final act of desperation I raided my daughter’s Barbie Princess Castle, stripped the Prince Charming doll of his pants and shirt and called it a day.

The next morning as I walked my son into his classroom I was feeling okay about the puppet. It wasn’t great, but it looked like an 8 year-old-had done it (or an emotionally fragile mom at 2 a.m). Then I saw the rest of the kids’ puppets. God Bless America, one girl had a George Washington puppet that was three feet tall, outfitted in satin breeches with a cutaway jacket, a cravat and hair! The puppet had a wig. Who does that? It was also outfitted with a voice box.

The puppet, I kid you not, sang the Star Spangled Banner. It may have been highly immature of me to point out to the girl’s mother the historical inaccuracy of George Washington singing the Star Spangled Banner, but how could I not? You don’t just bring a wig-wearing puppet into a classroom and not expect some blowback.

So for all you moms who are no longer parenting an elementary school child rejoice for you are free or at least free from show off mothers who have puppeteering skills.

*Attencover_1.3-2tion Snarky Friends, I have a brand new book out. It’s the second in the Snarky in the Suburbs series – Snarky in the Suburbs Trouble In Texas. You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read.  I hope you like it! 🙂


8 thoughts on “For All The Moms Who Have Completed Their Elementary School Tour of Duty

  1. 3rd Grade Teacher says:

    Snarky, you hit the nail right on the head describing room moms or as our school makes us call them “room parents.” Teachers PRAY for the laid back mom. The problem is when we think we’re getting a mellow mom and instead she morphs into a combination of the mom who is a controlling, a huge witch to the other parents AND wants to be our “bestie.”

  2. Been There Done That says:

    Yes, yes, and yes! Middle school and high school are no walk in the park, but the fact that I don’t have to go to school parties/PTA crap etc and get snubbed or one upped by women whose entire life is what happens at their kid’s school makes me so happy. Not making dioramas is just icing on that cake.

  3. Robbie says:

    This is my last elementary school year in 15, yes, 15 years! A simple party won’t cut it after all I’ve witnessed and endured. Burning every weekly reading log I had to sign this year in the outdoor fire pit on June 3rd (last day) while on my way to Margaritaville. Come on June 3rd!!

  4. Nate says:

    I’m not ashamed to admit that twice I PAID someone to do my children’s dioramas and then with my two younger kids I just recycled the projects. There’s not enough wine in the world to get me through that struggle.

  5. Maureen Sklaroff (@BlueBellsCS) says:

    And people wonder why I homeschool? We homeschool moms tell people it is because we believe that it is what is best for our children, but in reality, it’s because we know that we are too emotionally fragile for these types of experiences. The George Washington puppet reminds me of a time that my brother had to bring an adult with him for a Thanksgiving celebration. Some how, my mom roped my aunt into doing it. Then the night before, she learned that they were supposed to go dressed as pilgrims and my aunt was 8 months pregnant! Try finding a pregnant pilgrim costume in less than 24 hours, during the 70’s! I have no idea what my aunt ended up wearing, but she somehow pulled it off. My mom will never be able to repay that debt. In fact, I plan to have it inscribed on her tombstone, not that she knows that.

  6. Ashlee says:

    This is helping me emotionally prepare for what is ahead. My oldest is entering 2nd, my youngest is 3 and I’ll be 40 this year. I guess I should start stocking up on wine now!

  7. Sarah says:

    HA! I have one foot out and one still in! So happy not to have the room parent thing happening in middle school, but my kid’s book report projects are worse now than ever in middle school.

    Oh man…not fun!

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