My Christmas “Do Not Want” List

I have no idea what I want for Christmas besides the mom trifecta of world peace, love and the eradication of disease and famine from our planet. I do thodfb611ed1d99e87277defbdda9836e41--birthday-cards-happy-birthdayugh know what I don’t want and what I will be ticked off if I get.

It’s not that I’m picky. In fact, I consider myself a low maintenance human (currently open to debate by my family) who has no need for anything flashy. No jewels or designer apparel appeals to me. The only exception I’ll make is designer cleaning appliances. Because without a doubt, one of my best Christmas presents in the history of me breathing has been my Dyson with some super over-the-top pet hair attachments.

It’s my chore bestie and I can’t imagine my life without it. Go ahead and make fun, but I’m telling you my vacuum has life changing properties. You don’t know true joy until you see its suction prowess in regard to kitty litter eradication.

In terms of what I don’t want, well I’ll stick to my top three staring with one of those DNA family tree deep probes. I just read that these kits are predicted to be one of the top gifts for Christmas. Ugh.

I get people wanting to find out that they’re half Scottish, so they can use that as an excuse to stuff themselves with Walker’s shortbread cookies to make up for lost time, but what I don’t want during the holiday is discovering I have a gene pool floating with every worst-case medical diagnosis known to 21stcentury medicine. And as a proud hypochondriac all that information would be like throwing lighter fluid on my already extensive list of ailments, I’m positive I have.

Another gift that I don’t want, or need is new freaking phone. I’ve tried in earnest to explain to my children that perhaps one shouldn’t get a new phone until the one you have is worn out or no longer compatible with current technology. I don’t think my iPhone 6 is obsolete. It’s not cracked, still holds a charge and I can text with wild abandon so why do I need an iPhone 10 that will up by cell phone bill by at least $25 a month? I’m still miffed I was shamed into parting with by precious iPhone 3 G.

But what will really trigger a conniption fit is if I, or anyone that resides in my home, gets another Alexa, Echo or other subversive spying device. I hate those things and know they’re ground zero for world-wide robot domination.

The other night I was home all alone, my husband was a thousand miles away in Washington D.C., and as I’m drifting off to sleep, I hear what sounds like a demented serial killer singing “Good night, Sherry” over and over.

At first, I thought maybe I was hearing something or one of my dogs had mastered the English language. But then I heard it again and again. I was now knocking at the Defcon 1 door of hysteria. My fist through was to flee the premises. But where was the killer? Was he or she waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs? I called my son for help who informed that was “probably Dad because he’s hooked up all the Echoes, so he can communicate remotely from his phone.” Are. You. Kidding. Me?

Yes, it was indeed my husband. Who, “didn’t mean to scare me” and “just wanted to say goodnight.” Whatever, because you not what I said goodnight and goodbye to – ever single Alexa/Echo in our home. Those spying robot overloads will no longer rule my domain and I’ll consider that the perfect Christmas present.

Dear Snarky – My Sister-In-Law’s Family Ruined Christmas

f784f548f08fa691c849dbf4f8b634c1Dear Snarky,

Thank God, I’m finally home after spending Christmas at my sister-in-law’s house. It was a disaster. I’ve never met such a cliquey group of people before. Her entire family separated themselves from the rest of the guests the entire day. If everyone was in the family room they would be in living room. If you tried to mingle with them you would pretty much get ignored. It was unbelievably uncomfortable.

I told my husband I’m never subjecting myself to another Christmas day like that again and while he agreed with me that his brother’s wife relatives are F’ing nuts he told me we just had to deal with it because it’s family.

Umm, it’s not my family and his sister-in-law’s relatives are not his family so I think next year and the year after that etc we can just take a pass on Christmas with this bunch of cold fish.

What do you think Snarky I’m a right?

Signed,

Still Pissed

Dear Pissed,

The big old extended family get together is one of those things that sounds good in theory, (like buying your pants too small to encourage you to lose weight) but in reality it can be a hot mess (i.e. you now have no pants to wear). Sure it’s supposed to be all Hallmark Channel lovey dovey, but it never seems to work out that way.

And in your case you really were spending time with almost strangers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that if the strangers are open to becoming friends, but it seems your sister-in-law’s family wanted nothing to do with the co-mingling of kin.

That was a long way of me saying that I agree with 100%. Having to experience an awkward Christmas every year is no fun and who made your sister-in-law the Queen of the holidays? Another good questions is why do you have to have Christmas at her house every year? Wouldn’t it be more fair and, dare I say, more fun if it rotated?

I would suggest all this now while the memory of the crappy Christmas is still fresh in everyone’s mind and get some sort of action plan for next year and beyond in place.

Also, because families can have, shall we say, varied interpretations of the facts I would do this all via email so you have a “hard” copy of the discussion. This will serve as evidence so no one next December can pull a “What are you talking about I didn’t agree to this?” stunt. If and when this happens all you will need to do is share the time stamped and dated emails to shut them down.

*If you have questions for Dear Snarky please email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or click on the Snarky Facebook icon at the top right hand corner of this page and send me a private message on Facebook.

P.S. You’re going to have to relike Snarky on Facebook since my site got hacked.