My Christmas “Do Not Want” List

I have no idea what I want for Christmas besides the mom trifecta of world peace, love and the eradication of disease and famine from our planet. I do thodfb611ed1d99e87277defbdda9836e41--birthday-cards-happy-birthdayugh know what I don’t want and what I will be ticked off if I get.

It’s not that I’m picky. In fact, I consider myself a low maintenance human (currently open to debate by my family) who has no need for anything flashy. No jewels or designer apparel appeals to me. The only exception I’ll make is designer cleaning appliances. Because without a doubt, one of my best Christmas presents in the history of me breathing has been my Dyson with some super over-the-top pet hair attachments.

It’s my chore bestie and I can’t imagine my life without it. Go ahead and make fun, but I’m telling you my vacuum has life changing properties. You don’t know true joy until you see its suction prowess in regard to kitty litter eradication.

In terms of what I don’t want, well I’ll stick to my top three staring with one of those DNA family tree deep probes. I just read that these kits are predicted to be one of the top gifts for Christmas. Ugh.

I get people wanting to find out that they’re half Scottish, so they can use that as an excuse to stuff themselves with Walker’s shortbread cookies to make up for lost time, but what I don’t want during the holiday is discovering I have a gene pool floating with every worst-case medical diagnosis known to 21stcentury medicine. And as a proud hypochondriac all that information would be like throwing lighter fluid on my already extensive list of ailments, I’m positive I have.

Another gift that I don’t want, or need is new freaking phone. I’ve tried in earnest to explain to my children that perhaps one shouldn’t get a new phone until the one you have is worn out or no longer compatible with current technology. I don’t think my iPhone 6 is obsolete. It’s not cracked, still holds a charge and I can text with wild abandon so why do I need an iPhone 10 that will up by cell phone bill by at least $25 a month? I’m still miffed I was shamed into parting with by precious iPhone 3 G.

But what will really trigger a conniption fit is if I, or anyone that resides in my home, gets another Alexa, Echo or other subversive spying device. I hate those things and know they’re ground zero for world-wide robot domination.

The other night I was home all alone, my husband was a thousand miles away in Washington D.C., and as I’m drifting off to sleep, I hear what sounds like a demented serial killer singing “Good night, Sherry” over and over.

At first, I thought maybe I was hearing something or one of my dogs had mastered the English language. But then I heard it again and again. I was now knocking at the Defcon 1 door of hysteria. My fist through was to flee the premises. But where was the killer? Was he or she waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs? I called my son for help who informed that was “probably Dad because he’s hooked up all the Echoes, so he can communicate remotely from his phone.” Are. You. Kidding. Me?

Yes, it was indeed my husband. Who, “didn’t mean to scare me” and “just wanted to say goodnight.” Whatever, because you not what I said goodnight and goodbye to – ever single Alexa/Echo in our home. Those spying robot overloads will no longer rule my domain and I’ll consider that the perfect Christmas present.

Dear Snarky – My Mother-In-Law Buys Gifts For My Kids and Then Keeps Them for Herself

1295793810-dysfunctional-family_500Dear Snarky,

 My mother-in-law is literally buying herself gifts and trying to pass them off as presents for my two daughters. She collects Lladro ceramics and every Christmas and birthday she “gives” my daughters a ceramic figurine and then tells them that she is going to keep them at her house and they can have them when “they get married.”

 Puh-leez – it’s total BS! First what 3 & 5 year olds want ceramic statues??!! She’s fooling no one. I am so over it that I told my husband we should NOT get his mother a present because she’s yet to buy her granddaughters one. 

 What would you do Snarky? I have a feeling you would have my back.

 Signed,  So Pissed Off

Dear Pissed,

 Your mother-in-law sounds like a real winner and I think you should get this delightful and caring woman a fantastic present befitting her generosity.

 I suggest selecting a gift that her granddaughters would LOVE like say one of those Barbie Jeeps and get your mother-in-law that for Christmas and tell her in a voice dripping with sweetness that you’ll be keeping it at your house and she can visit it anytime she wants.

 That will let her know that you know exactly the con she is trying to pull and that this is the way you’re going to deal with her skewed version of gift giving and then if you feel like it flip her the middle finger when she’s not looking.

Oh and don’t let anyone tell you that those figurines are going to be worth a lot of money in twenty years and your MIL is investing in her granddaughters’ futures because I would bet good money, like ceramic statue money, that your girls will probably never get those expensive collectibles.