January is the month where millions of us make the vow to work out more, prioritize our health, and embrace an active lifestyle. I’m all in on this. Selfishly though this means that for the next six weeks almost every fitness venue will be packed.
Now getting a lap lane where I swim is almost next to impossible and I’m being forced to go through some detailed maneuvers to snag my favorite Pilates reformer that involves more than just getting to class early.
I’m having to bob and weave through the crowd while taking a non-skid sock and tossing it to land on my preferred reformer as an act of “saving” it. And because my aim isn’t that good the sock usually never lands on the reformer and just earns me an assortment of odd looks or in one instance someone asking if this was the right class for me.
Awkward much?
But what the crowds are doing is giving me an opportunity in between swimming laps and doing squats is some serious people watching. Although while I’m doing this, I’m hoping that no one is watching me because I can guarantee you that I’m always the least coordinated person in any athletic endeavor.
You know those squats I just mentioned? I don’t even do those right. Apparently, I do a “butt wink” which sounds, at least to me, borderline obscene.
When I was recently told by an instructor in the middle of a cardio sculpt class to stop “butt winking” I blushed, as in my entire face turned the color of Ocean Spray cranberry juice. A woman my age, or really anyone for that matter, “butt winking” sounded so very, very, wrong.
I pondered if I should ask the instructor for an explanation or just let it go because honestly, I feared the answer in a public setting. I decided to say nothing and accept that my face was probably going to stay red for the rest of the day.
As soon as I got to the safety of my car I googled “butt wink” on my phone all the while praying that the simple act of putting this term in my search bar wouldn’t mean I’d become part of a questionable algorithm.
I was afraid to look at the answer and I held my phone away from me as if somehow keeping it a distance would protect me from whatever awaited me on the screen. The relief I felt when I willed myself to look at my phone and discovered that a “butt wink” means that you’re “failing to hold a neutral spine at the bottom of your squat” was immense and overwhelming.
After that feeling passed I then got mad. What kind of creep thought up the term “butt wink?” Whomever it was might need to seek some kind of counseling and most certainly stay off dating sites.
And furthermore, why would anyone think that it’s an appropriate term to use with a stranger? It’s not like it’s too verbally taxing to say you’re “failing to hold a neutral spine at the bottom of your squat.” It’s just ten more words than “butt wink.”
Moving forward I feel every fitness professional should strive to say that 12-word phrase and eradicate the term “butt wink” from their vocabulary. In fact, I think at least one of the national exercise/training/fitness organizations should make it a bylaw or something. Maybe I should even start one of those Change.org petitions.
I think a lot of people would enthusiastically agree with me because exercising is hard enough without freaking out that your backside has suddenly gone rogue.
***
Honestly, I’m still not over the embarrassment. But you know what would make me feel better? Having you take a lookie loo at my books. 📚
There’s Empty a “laugh till you cry” menopausal revenge adventure. Back to School is a hysterical read for any mom whose experienced elementary school parent drama. Trouble in Texas is a tall tale of what happens when a daughter lets her septuagenarian mom enlist her in a wild scheme that could end up with both of them in jail. And Four Seasons of Snarky is full of short stories (perfect for the person who doesn’t have much time to read) that feature tales of suburban revenge.
Please click this Amazon link for to experience the fabulousness.😉 https://tinyurl.com/mwbjckbb
Snarky in the Suburbs 