I’m the Real Cookie Monster

True confession time here. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies for more than forty years. As I’m writing this I’ve got a shiny foil sleeve of Thin Mints on my desk that I’m slowly savoring. The crunch of the wafer cookie loaded with minty goodness and covered in a yummy chocolate coating is snacking nirvana.

My goal right now is to not eat the entire sleeve but I’m afraid I’m five cookies away from that not happening. The pull of the Thin Mint is just that mighty. It’s my siren song.

This weakness for Thin Mints started when I was child and selling Girl Scout cookies for the first time. At our troop meeting the leader had the awesome suggestion that to be better at selling we needed to taste all the cookies.

Needless to say, I was all in and with extreme pleasure devoured Lemon Crème, Peanut Butter Patties, and Savannahs as fast as a I could. Then a defining moment happened in my life. The Girl Scout leader asked me I wanted to try a Thin Mint.

I picked up the chocolate cookie that at first glance is unassuming. There’s no crème filling, no peanut butter, coconut or chocolate chips peeking out. It’s just a rather smallish cookie with a dull chocolaty finish. But, oh my, when I took my first bite I was hooked. My love affair had begun.

When I hit the streets to sell cookies, by knocking on the doors of complete strangers, by myself, with no parent or older sibling standing guard on the sidewalk because this was life in the 70s, I was preaching the Thin Mint gospel.

If someone didn’t order a box I would urge them to dedicate another dollar (the amount of box of Girl Scout cookies cost in 1974) to the wonder that is the Thin Mint. My sales pitch was so powerful that I sold the most boxes of Thin Mints in my entire Girl Scout Council.

The next year the Girl Scout cookie sale was one of sheer joy. My mother was the cookie mom. This meant all the boxes of Girl Scout cookies for several troops were sent to our house. Our living room was piled high with cases of cookie goodness.

This turned out to be a bit of a problem for me and was perhaps when a fondness for the cookie took an ugly turn to addiction. I covertly opened up a case of Thin Mint cookies, took the boxes to my room, hid them and then at night I would secretly eat Thin Mint after Thin Mint.

As you have probably guessed this did not turn out well. Most especially when my mother discovered the escapade of sheer gluttony I had embarked on.

One would think this shameful episode would have been the wake-up call I needed to stop with my Thin Mint dependency. But no, here I am decades later with six boxes of Thin Mints hidden in my laundry room and three sleeves of cookies in my freezer concealed under a large bag of frozen Tortellini just to make sure no one in my family can find them and, gasp, eat my secret stash.

I wish I could give up the cookie, but I just took another bite of a Thin Mint and I can in all honesty say I don’t see that ever happening. But being a Thin Mint optimist, I prefer to look on the bright side – that my cookie addiction is helping fund the Girl Scouts and that I only buy Thin Mints once a year.

I’ll celebrate that by eating another cookie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team Thin Mint

People are really ticking me off. I’ve beedairy-free-girl-scout-cookies-now-including-all-thin-mints-also-vegann so angry that I’ve been on a social media unfriending spree. I’m so over all this hate.

Seriously, what’s going on? How can people be so blatantly wrong and not admit it? Worse, they embrace their wrongness and get all wrapped in it like it’s one of those overpriced fuzzy, polar fleece, blankets from Pottery Barn. Someone please explain to me why a person would want to get cuddly with wrong and then share it on Facebook?

I’m sure you can guess where all my anger is coming from and what “team” I’m on. For the record let me proudly state, nay scream, from my front porch (that I fear a family of chipmunks are burrowing under in an attempt to infiltrate my foundation) that I’m on Girl Scout cookie Team Thin Mint.

Yeah, you heard me Team, freaking, Thin Mint. So, take that all you traitors who have left sanity behind to embrace and brag on the new S’mores cookie because I’ve got three words for you — Get Over Yourself.

The S’mores is no Thin Mint and you’re embarrassing yourself, and quite possible our country, when you make your egregious claims, usually on social media, of S’mores superiority.

I will admit I was intrigued about the alleged swagger of the S’mores cookie. I had heard a lot of about. How it took everything you loved about the Thin Mint — the chocolate coating, the signature crispness and the special melding of flavors — and then amped it into the cookie stratosphere with the joining of graham cracker and marshmallow.

When I went to place my annual Girl Scout cookie order, which is a case of Thin Mints, (Relax it’s only 12 boxes. Like you haven’t gotten 12 boxes of something at Costco?) I felt pressured, like I was going to be judged and ridiculed, if I didn’t get some S’mores. So, I gave in and order a single box, which made the Girl Scout mom taking my order, sigh dramatically and, announce, “You’ll be sorry.”

When my personal stash of cookies arrived I was excited. My ritual is to enjoy the first Thin Mint of the New Year in the privacy of my car so I can savor the wonder and then eat a whole sleeve on my drive home. (Yep, an entire sleeve and yes I have done the caloric math.) This year due to all the S’mores hype and fear of condemnation and worse fear that I was wrong, that everything I thought was right and just in this world had changed. I decided to break with what I believed in my heart was right and try a S’mores before I had a Thin Mint.

The S’mores looks tempting. It’s square, but I have no prejudice regarding cookie shapes and it does appear to have the same exquisite chocolate coating as the Thin Mint although it does seem thicker. I cautiously took a bite.

The crunch was there and at first nibble I was intrigued, but then the cookie started to change. The graham cracker took over, muscling out the marshmallow flavor and the chocolate became an afterthought. It didn’t have the team player persona of the Thin Mint where the mint cookie and the chocolate coating are working in tandem to bring about exquisite yumminess.

My first thought was why have people become so mentally unhinged over the S’mores when it’s evident that it should be pretty low on the cookie totem pole. Come on, even the shortbread Trefoil can kick it’s butt?

Then I got angry. The Thin Mint deserves respect and this cookie isn’t going to crumble on my watch. So, beware S’mores lovers the Thin Mint, like the truth, won’t be ignored.

Dear Snarky – Girl Scout Cookie Mama Drama

56e543e73a77384aa8a9e62d306083ffDear Snarky,

 One mom in my daughter’s Girl Scout troop is ruining the cookie sale experience for the rest of the girls. This mom owns a very popular, upscale clothing store and every year she has a large table in the center of the store where she has the cookies for sale. This means the mom, not her daughter, sells more at least a 1,500 boxes of cookies!

 How is this fair? The girls are supposed to sell the cookies. A couple of us want to demand this mom stop and get the cookie sale back to what it’s supposed to be – girls selling cookies!

What approach do you think we should take? Go to the Girl Scout leader first or just skip that and go straight to that mom?

 Signed, Tired of This

Dear Tired,

The approach I think you should take is chilling out. Yes, in a perfect Girl Scout world boxes of Thin Mints would only be sold by lovely cherubs learning entrepreneurial skills who pull wagons piled high with cookies as they go door-to-door to delight their neighbors with their baked confections while blue birds sing. But, that’s a Disney movie not real life.

 In fact, I can’t remember the last time I bought a box of cookies from an actual Girl Scout. In the past decade all of my cookie buying has been through a parent either at work or social media.

 Furthermore, after talking with Girl Scout parents (shout out here to all the Snarky friends who offered their advice on Facebook) here’s the bottom line.

The more cookies a troop sells the more money the troop has to spend on activities. So, the mom selling cookies in her store benefits the entire troop. Sure, her daughter may get a lot of cookie cred and yep the mom could have a booth sale at her store so more girls can be involved and on and on.

But don’t focus on the negative and please don’t make the cookie sale about this mother.  Focus instead  on your daughter and the additional fun she’ll get to have due to the money the troop, as a whole, has made. 

If this advice is hard for you to swallow than may I suggest self medicating by eating a sleeve of the new S’more cookie. I’m told they’re magical. 😉

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With An Attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on the Snarky In The Suburbs Facebook page.