It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the fitness arena. That’s my way of saying the last time I went to the gym yoga pants hadn’t been “invented.” (Yes, it was that long ago.) But, in an attempt to maintain my high energy zest for life (that’s what I’m calling it because it sure sounds better than I’ve achieved Defcon 5 regarding the tightness of my pants.) I decided it was time to engage in working out in a group setting.
This has led me to thinking about petitioning the Council on Physical Fitness to rename some common exercise moves. It would all be for the greater good because so many moves are misleading and don’t speak to the true nature of what you’re required to do not only with your body, but more importantly your mind.
Before I send out my letter I thought I would try it out on you first. Don’t hesitate to tell me I’m on to something.
The Plank. This thing is totally misnamed. First, what do most of us know about a plank other than the whole “walk the plank” scene in Peter Pan and other swashbuckling movies. The exercise plank bears almost zero resemblance to a pirate ship plank. Indeed, it has more in common with a push up (before you push down) than a plank. This leads me to ask why didn’t the exercise gurus just call it a static push up? Or even better the Mean Girl. Because when you hold a plank you’re experiencing a level of discomfort that is equal to being asked to leave the cool kid table in the junior high cafeteria. It’s an intense burn that lingers and when you fall out of your plank or worse can’t get into a plank it’s middle school humiliation deja vu.
The Burpee. It sounds like a blast. It’s even fun to say. “Burpee, burpee, burpee.” It, however, is not remotely fun to do what with the up and down, push up, jump back up, rigmarole. Did I mention that at one point your entire body weight is being supported by your wrists? It might just be for a split second, but Lord have mercy, while one of my wrists can support 11 shopping bags from Target, they were in no way made to hold my girth. A more apt name is to call this exercise is Urgent Care because you’re going to be visiting one very soon.
The Pilates 100. It has a regal tone to it doesn’t it? Like something a monarch would give as a medal. “Hear ye, hear ye, today we honor you with the Pilates 100.” In the 100 you assume a sit up position with your head up and legs bent and raised while you pump your arms up and down one hundred times. A delight right? Not so much because as you’re maintaining your form your abs start aching and your instructor tells you to now straighten out your legs while holding them in mid-air. Ouch x 100! The exercise should be rebranded as Gravity Sucks because you’re fighting it the whole time.
The Bosu Ball. I know the Bosu ball is not an exercise, but rather a piece of fitness equipment. The ball resembles an inflated globe cut in half that provides an unstable surface to strut your stuff on. I don’t know where the name Bosu came from, but the correct moniker for the ball should be the Tipsy McStagger. Anything you do on this ball leaves you feeling like you’ve been over served at the bar of your choice.
So everyone stand up give me five Mean Girls and then 10 Urgent Cares followed by 100 Gravity Sucks and then let’s cool down with some squats on the Tipsy McStagger.
Now, that, right there, is truth in exercising.