Dear Snarky – My Engagement Ring Is Butt Ugly

Screen Shot 2016-02-03 at 9.59.08 AM Dear Snarky,

I just got engaged and while I’m super happy about getting married I’m totally disappointed in the ring my fiancé gave me. I don’t mean to sound like a brat, but the ring, which is apparently a family heirloom, is a hideous monstrosity of intertwining bands with an almost indiscernible diamond. I just can’t imagine wearing it for the rest of my life.

I make decent money and I’m totally cool with buying or going in with my fiancé on what I’m going to call a more suitable ring, but I don’t want to start any soon-to-be in-law drama. Do you think it would be okay to be honest about my feelings?

Signed, So Not A Pinterest Engagement Ring

Dear Pinterest,

You’ve got some homework to do. First, find out exactly what the story or lineage is behind the ring. By this I mean did your finance’s dad buy it from the jewelry counter at Walmart 25 years ago or is great, great, great, great grandma’s ring from 1776. (Also, if your fiance’s mother is still alive, then umm, why are you getting her ring? Is she trying to get rid of it?)

Next, would any family members object to you getting the ring reset or modified? The answer maybe YES because that would denigrate the antique or emotional value of the ring.

Once those questions have been answered I would use the ring issue as an opportunity to explore the primary building blocks of your relationship. Have a serious talk with your fiancé about the ring. Be honest about your feelings and see if the two of you can come up with a plan that would make both of you happy. For any marriage to have any long-term success the husband and wife have to be a team and united in all of life’s big decisions. You think this ring thing is huge – just wait until you have kids or career and financial issues.

Now, here’s my very personal opinion that some might say veers towards bitchy. I would get a ring you’re excited about especially if you’re willing to pay for it. You’ll be wearing it every day hopefully for the rest of your life. The last thing you want to do is keep a ring you hate and that requires a back story every time some looks at it. As in “it was my husband’s great, great, aunt’s ring that her husband bought her at a Woolworth’s five and dime store before he was killed in a farming accident three months later.”

Your engagement ring should be a symbol of your love not a sacrifice you made to keep your in-laws from being pissed off. Trust me – that kind of resentment is just going to build every time you look at the ring.

***

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5Comments

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1

irreverendt on February 3, 2016 at 11:52 am

Excellent advise Snarky…perfect opportunity for relationship building.
2

Normal Mom on February 3, 2016 at 1:44 pm

Agreed: great guidance here. One should proceed delicately and with extreme caution here, but it’s not a good idea to be silently resentful either.
- 3
  
  snarkyinthesuburbs on February 3, 2016 at 3:28 pm
  
  Yes, silently resentful can grow into seething angry.
4

Maddy on February 3, 2016 at 7:58 pm

Best. Advice. Ever. Favorite line: “You think this ring thing is huge – just wait until you have kids or career and financial issues.”
5

bobbg on February 9, 2016 at 10:35 am

I don’t think I’d say to him right out the ring is butt ugly, but put it in simple terms. always try and be open and honest. I’m happy my wife didn’t care about some engagement ring she never got one. and we picked out our wedding bands together. We spent what we could afford to pay at the time. that was 34 years ago. Its not the money that makes a relationship last. Your other half has to be your best friend after all they are 50% of you. Or in my wife case 75% of me.
Its not the ring your wearing the rest of your life that’s important its the other halfe.
Make a point to never fight over money, also do not be selfish ever. And always agree with each other on how to raise the kids in front of the kids, work out the problems behind closed doors when and where the kids can’t hear you how you’d like t treat each problem know ahead of time what your answer is going t be, If mom says NO Dad also has to say NO even if Dad thinks they should. Work it out later just back each other up. Ask What did Mom say? Or What did your father say?
What makes us stronger is how you deal with problems, deal with them together.

The Ring is Butt ugly: you might tell him I am not a fan of the ring’s looks, what’s its history? no one said you have to always wear it, so you agree its not your taste but to be fair you’ll keep it safe and if you’re going with his parents you’ll wear it. But be open with your mother in law too, you might find out she didn’t like the ring either. Its why you got it.
Safe keeping it’s a family heirloom so it’s in my jewelry box at home in the safe…
No one could expect a 100 or even 50 year old ring be in style today.
Some Women might find a 6 carat diamond is ugly ring. I know my wife would not wear it.
She hates Jewelry altogether. I knew that about her befor we got married.
Perhaps he should know more about you too.
Somehow if he didn’t know this ring would be a problem, you don’t know each other enough to be thinking about marriage yet. You might put it off a few more years to get to know each other better.
We dated 4 years befor we got to know each other good enough, you rush in you might find yourself rushing out too.