Why You and I Won’t Be Running for President

If there’s a presidential candidate that you’re all agog over I’m jealous. So far, I’m not that fired up about the current menu of contenders. Not that I don’t give props to anyone that decides to run for president because I can’t imagine how ghastly the experience has to be.

When people complain about the presidential pickings I just roll by eyes and think what do you expect? I don’t care how much you love this great country of ours no right-minded human would want to endure the campaign process. I’m not saying the folks running (all accomplished individuals) are not right in the head, that’s not it at all.

Okay, that’s kind of it because what 100% fully compos mentis person would want to put themselves and their loved ones through the two-year freak show that is a run for president. You’ve got to have special wiring in your brain or a family history that makes you susceptible to thinking, “Hey, this commander-in-chief thing sounds like a good idea. Let’s go for it!”

I ran for student council vice president back in the day and that experience left lasting scars. I couldn’t just walk down the halls anymore trying to finish up my Spanish homework. Oh no, I had to smile and make eye contact with every kid. And don’t get me started on giving a campaign speech. Mine was greatness (at least that’s what my mom told me). My opponent just got up there and promised a “beer bust” if he won. Do you want to take a guess at who wasn’t the winner in that race?

Based on my experience with democracy in action I can only imagine the mental smackdown a campaign for president would do to your emotional well-being. Just on the most basic level how do you recover from repeatedly being asked really stupid questions from reporters like, “weights or cardio?”

Umm, yeah the world is going to hell in a hand basket and that’s what Americans care about a workout routine? But the worst thing is you can’t be a little snarky and respond to the asinine question with a very polite yet stern, “Pardon me, that’s the best you’ve got? That’s what you think people remotely care about right now?”

Oh no, because if you do that it will go viral and you’ll be portrayed on the 24 hour news cycle as a bully and if you’re a female not just a bully, but the other B word and your hormonal cycle (or lack of one) will be topic fodder.

Commentators would be on talk radio discussing if a postmenopausal female candidate’s depleted estrogen reservoir is affecting her ability to maintain a temperate emotional range.

Here’s how that would play out.

Talk radio idiot #1: I’m telling you right now we can’t have someone in the highest office in the land that can’t make nice. I mean you’ve got to have some diplomacy.

Talk radio idiot #2: Have you seen what she looks like? That’s was her problem she didn’t have the guts to say neither. Maybe she was hangry and just needed a dozen doughnuts.

Cue vicious attack from listeners calling in.

Hello, who would want to willingly subject themselves to the idiocy out there to get the job? Pretty much no one because to “successfully” answer that question you would have to go into focus group mode and think how best to reply without offending the CrossFit voters who are a fierce weights and cardio conglomerate as opposed to the Bar Method moms (you’ve got to keep the suburban female base happy) who favor a more refined exercise routine. It’s the burpee vs. the ballerina.

What to do? What to do? Finally, you confidently quip, “Any workout is a good workout!” But that backfires when certified exercise physiologists and doctors who specialize in sports injuries and rehab come out against your “position” on exercise stating that some workouts can be deadly and that a burpee done incorrectly can kill or have long-term repercussions for your overall health and quality of life.

Cut to the video of a middle-age man in a cervical collar and on long-term disability after attempting to do an unsupervised burpee in his basement caused him to suffer from “phantom whiplash.” Cue the attack ad that says “One candidate for president wants to hurt our country one brave, physically fit, American at a time.”

At this point I believe even the most emotionally stable person would give up, cry uncle, throw in the towel and retreat to a padded room for a long-term recovery from the horrors of campaigning.

So, when we complain about not having a candidate to rally behind maybe it’s our fault. We’ve turned the campaign process into a decathlon of insanity where the best and the brightest choose not to run in favor of running away just as fast as they can.

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