Why You and I Won’t Be Running for President

If there’s a presidential canScreen Shot 2015-09-25 at 8.38.44 AMdidate that you’re all agog over I’m jealous. So far, I’m not that fired up about the current menu of contenders. Not that I don’t give props to anyone that decides to run for president because I can’t imagine how ghastly the experience has to be.

When people complain about the presidential pickings I just roll by eyes and think what do you expect? I don’t care how much you love this great country of ours no right-minded human would want to endure the campaign process. I’m not saying the folks running (all accomplished individuals) are not right in the head, that’s not it at all.

Okay, that’s kind of it because what 100% fully compos mentis person would want to put themselves and their loved ones through the two-year freak show that is a run for president. You’ve got to have special wiring in your brain or a family history that makes you susceptible to thinking, “Hey, this commander-in-chief thing sounds like a good idea. Let’s go for it!”

I ran for student council vice president back in the day and that experience left lasting scars. I couldn’t just walk down the halls anymore trying to finish up my Spanish homework. Oh no, I had to smile and make eye contact with every kid. And don’t get me started on giving a campaign speech. Mine was greatness (at least that’s what my mom told me). My opponent just got up there and promised a “beer bust” if he won. Do you want to take a guess at who wasn’t the winner in that race?

Based on my experience with democracy in action I can only imagine the mental smackdown a campaign for president would do to your emotional well-being. Just on the most basic level how do you recover from repeatedly being asked really stupid questions from reporters like, “weights or cardio?”

Umm, yeah the world is going to hell in a hand basket and that’s what Americans care about a workout routine? But the worst thing is you can’t be a little snarky and respond to the asinine question with a very polite yet stern, “Pardon me, that’s the best you’ve got? That’s what you think people remotely care about right now?”

Oh no, because if you do that it will go viral and you’ll be portrayed on the 24 hour news cycle as a bully and if you’re a female not just a bully, but the other B word and your hormonal cycle (or lack of one) will be topic fodder.

Commentators would be on talk radio discussing if a postmenopausal female candidate’s depleted estrogen reservoir is affecting her ability to maintain a temperate emotional range.

Here’s how that would play out.

Talk radio idiot #1: I’m telling you right now we can’t have someone in the highest office in the land that can’t make nice. I mean you’ve got to have some diplomacy.

Talk radio idiot #2: Have you seen what she looks like? That’s was her problem she didn’t have the guts to say neither. Maybe she was hangry and just needed a dozen doughnuts.

Cue vicious attack from listeners calling in.

Hello, who would want to willingly subject themselves to the idiocy out there to get the job? Pretty much no one because to “successfully” answer that question you would have to go into focus group mode and think how best to reply without offending the CrossFit voters who are a fierce weights and cardio conglomerate as opposed to the Bar Method moms (you’ve got to keep the suburban female base happy) who favor a more refined exercise routine. It’s the burpee vs. the ballerina.

What to do? What to do? Finally, you confidently quip, “Any workout is a good workout!” But that backfires when certified exercise physiologists and doctors who specialize in sports injuries and rehab come out against your “position” on exercise stating that some workouts can be deadly and that a burpee done incorrectly can kill or have long-term repercussions for your overall health and quality of life.

Cut to the video of a middle-age man in a cervical collar and on long-term disability after attempting to do an unsupervised burpee in his basement caused him to suffer from “phantom whiplash.” Cue the attack ad that says “One candidate for president wants to hurt our country one brave, physically fit, American at a time.”

At this point I believe even the most emotionally stable person would give up, cry uncle, throw in the towel and retreat to a padded room for a long-term recovery from the horrors of campaigning.

So, when we complain about not having a candidate to rally behind maybe it’s our fault. We’ve turned the campaign process into a decathlon of insanity where the best and the brightest choose not to run in favor of running away just as fast as they can.

 *Attencover_1.3-2tion Snarky Friends I have a new book out and for a limited time only it’s just 99 cents for a heaping helping of Snark! You are now gazing at the second book in the Snarky in the Suburbs series – Snarky in the Suburbs Trouble In Texas. You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read.  I hope you like it! 🙂

Ugh- Politics

Can we all join hands right now and say a prayer for  all the Hawkeyes out there? And by this I mean the residents ofpolitical-cocktail-party-napkin Iowa who are of legal voting age. These poor put-upon people have to endure a plague of politicians that is so intense it’s Old Testament in nature.

I heart the Constitution and the voting process, but if I lived in Iowa I’d be afraid to visit a local coffee shop or cafe for the next year and a half. In fact, it’s probably next to impossible to leave your house without being molested by campaigners or campaign literature.

And may Lady Liberty have mercy on your soul if you’re a farmer or own a tractor because the TV news crews will want a good old boy soundbite from you. It won’t matter if you just moved to Iowa from New York City. As long as your fanny is perched in the seat of a John Deere something or other, you’re news gold.

I think this is a case of being careful what you wish for. Sure, it sounds good to be the state with its caucus being the first major electoral event for nominating the president. But in reality it has to get old being stuck behind the (insert candidate of your choice name here) van, bus, or shudder, motorcade.

It’s not that I don’t have passion for the voting process. Years ago I was certain my campaign for Richfield High School Student Council vice president would scar me for life and severely hinder my ability to participate in anything political in nature, but I’ve managed to work through the pain and bitterness (not that it didn’t take decades).

I do, though, what to go on record as saying no one should lose an election solely due to an opponent’s throwing a “get out the vote” beer bust. Hello, I had amazing signs lining the school hallways and my campaign speech was stellar and didn’t end in “Dudes, let’s get drunk!” (Too bad my opponent can’t say that.)

In fact, I consider myself politically polyamorous. There are things I like about almost every party’s persuasion. I credit my parents for this. My dad is very much a Republican and my mother, well, she was what you might call a train wreck in terms of her voting record. One of her claims to fame was being the single vote in the Texas county we lived in for John Anderson in the 1980 presidential campaign.

I remember watching the televised returns with my parents and there on the screen pops up John Anderson — 1. She was beaming with pride. For a solid week the whole family referred to her as Mrs. Anderson. We did it to tick her off, but I think she loved it.

I’ve even got some caucus experience under my belt. This maybe why I so keenly feel for Iowans. Back when I lived in Nevada, I participated in the state’s presidential caucus. Of course, because it’s Nevada the caucus took place in a ballroom of a casino.

Nothing says serious debates and thoughtful deliberation like being adjacent to blackjack tables and nickel slots. It also didn’t help that multiple bars were open 24/7. By 10 a.m. folks were tipsy, by lunchtime they were hammered and by 3 p.m. it would be hours (if not days) before a lot of them could pass a field sobriety test.

Not to cast aspersions BUT the most inebriated caucus participants seemed to be for one candidate. I, being for the other candidate, was growing tired of the drunken fratboy-like antics of this opposing group. We were here to make history people — sober up! As the day went on I, finally, had reached the breaking point and felt it was my civic duty to do something about this flock of fools.

So, I got up, strutted over and told them to drink some coffee and be good Americans. I really went red, white and blue all over their asses. Guess what I got in return? Boos. Yes, I was booed! And not gently booed. Oh no, it was boisterous booing with an overlay of heckling.

People, I was thrilled! If you don’t have “getting booed for doing the right thing” on your bucket list, put it on there immediately. It’s beyond stimulating. As the boos grew louder I stood even taller and did what I believe our founding fathers would have not just approved of, but rewarded me with a proud tip of their tricorn. I poured a drink on the loudest booer’s head. And then I quickly walked/ran to the nearest ladies room and hid in a stall for a good 30 minutes.

God Bless America.

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*Attention Snarky Friends, I have a brand new book out. It’s the second in the Snarky in the Suburbs series – Snarky in the Suburbs Trouble In Texas. You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read.  I hope you like it! 🙂