You Might Be the Mother of a Middle School Daughter If . . .

1470063_1434686906742898_1920789207_n – You’ve thought about calling 911 and asking the police to issue an Amber alert because the child scowling at you may look like your daughter but in no way is acting like the young lady you thought you were raising.

– You figured out that Hollister is the gateway drug to Abercrombie.

– Some days you have to get out her baby book out to remember the good old days.

– You’ve taken the EF Scale, used to rate tornadoes, to forecast the ferocity in your daughter’s eye rolls.

Level 1 – Mild eye roll indicating general annoyance.

Level 2 – Full eye roll with no brow engaged means her mood could be quickly downgraded to a level 1 or she’s off to a full-blown Level 3.

Level 3 – Eye roll uses both brows and is a sign that there’s an 85% chance of tears in the mood swing forecast.

Level 4 – Is a fully engaged double brow eye roll with a slight movement of the head and neck and can include stomping of the feet and an audible, smart mouthed “Whatever.”

Level 5 – Eye roll is a full facial contortion and requires an immediate evacuation of the premises so as not to be in the direct path of your daughter’s emotional tsunami. It’s recommended you ride out these unpredictable high winds of young teen angst by retreating to a “safe room” with wine, lots and lots of wine.

– You’ve secretly flipped your daughter off as you walk by the closed-door of her room.

– No matter how many years of schooling, postgraduate degrees or life experience you possess all of sudden you’re the stupidest person she knows.

– You realize the term Drama Queen doesn’t even begin to cover it.

– She no longer buys your argument that Target fleece and Northface fleece are the exact same thing.

– Her hair sets the mood for the morning.

– No matter what you say it’s going to be wrong.

– You’ve discovered that hair flipping is really her way of flipping you the bird.

– She no longer thinks you’re funny.  In fact, your funny is now “lame” and if you ever thought you were cool forget about it.

– It seems like she loves her phone more than you.

– Your mother is laughing her ass off and muttering things like, “What goes around comes around” or “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

– You’re repeatedly praying that like teething, potty training and toddler temper tantrums this too shall pass.

***For all things wonderfully Snarky go to where you can find the new fall Snarky line of clothing and accessories. (Flannel Snarky P.J.’s anyone?) Plus, there’s my book – Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. (Click here for purchase information.) Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.

25 thoughts on “You Might Be the Mother of a Middle School Daughter If . . .

  1. evanatiello says:

    I know this is a “really tough time.” But wait till trigonometry homework. I have witnessed mood swings at the kitchen table that rival being in labor. Good luck! At least she’s not wearing your clothes yet, right?

  2. D.D. Holcombe says:

    I have to share that I felt really sorry for you reading this list. It sounds like you don’t enjoy being a mother. Did you think it was going to be easy? I suggest you do some kind of family therapy or take a class on parenting because right now the only person I feel sorry for is your daughter.

  3. Susan says:

    Does she not understand the word ‘snarky’? Or she could be one of Those Mothers with Perfect Children (but only to her…everyone else despises her kids)….my youngest is 14…my best comeback to the eye rolling (you knew you can tell she’s doing it with your back turned) when you tell her you can hear the eyeballs rattling from here. I told my oldest daughter to stop rolling her eyes…she started closing them. I told her that I could still hear them rattling in her brain. We knew the future didn’t bode well when my youngest rolled her eyes at me when she was 18 months old…my mother was holding her and nearly dropped her.

  4. CallMeKay says:

    My daughter is in middle school (6th grade) and hasn’t hit this… YET. Thanks for the preparation. I know it’s coming. So far our greatest challenge has been getting her to care about important things like remembering to wear a bra (now that she’s “blossoming”) and introducing her to the wonders that are personal hygiene products… especially deodorant! LOL! (The teenage years really STINK… darn all those crazy overactive hormones!)

  5. amanda says:

    This is great and seemingly goes double for high school girls! My kids are ranging from 3-15 there are 4 young women we are raising but sometimes its more like a bunch of angry house guests that can’t leave.

  6. Michelle says:

    Here’s one: Must continually remember that my generation wore…. parachute pants- so who am I to judge the ridiculous, unflattering clothes that my daughter wears…everyday. (Ahem…tights worn with tops that do not cover the back side:/)

  7. Susan G. says:

    I just found you and you are killing me with your honesty and humor. I can’t wait to read more as for DD – girl you need to take the stick out of your butt.

    • Denise P says:

      Ha! Thanks for the laugh today – Susan G. That is a phrase I haven’t heard for awhile. 😉
      Snarky – As a mother of three, a boy (freshman in HS and 15) a girl (14 and in the 8th grade) and another girl (4th grade and 9), I feel your pain. As a middle school teacher of 20 years, I can assure you you nailed it. Trust me if you don’t laugh, you will cry. This is also why “Teenage Daughters” by Martina McBride is on my playlists.

  8. bookworm says:

    “No matter what you say, it’s going to be wrong.” That is my situation with my teen daughter. I swear I have to weigh my word choices SO carefully. Mother Nature’s cruel trick is that Perimenopause is finding me also sensitive and hormonal and easily offended. My husband and son have been planning some long camping trips. I can’t imagine why.

    • Mamacat says:

      Bookworm, I am so there!!! Teen she devil + premenopausal mom + premenopausal mom’s mom in the house does not a happy me make!! I do no right as far as the teen is concerned….while my mother giggles…..

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