You Might Be the Mother of a Middle School Daughter If . . .

1470063_1434686906742898_1920789207_n – You’ve thought about calling 911 and asking the police to issue an Amber alert because the child scowling at you may look like your daughter but in no way is acting like the young lady you thought you were raising.

– You figured out that Hollister is the gateway drug to Abercrombie.

– Some days you have to get out her baby book out to remember the good old days.

– You’ve taken the EF Scale, used to rate tornadoes, to forecast the ferocity in your daughter’s eye rolls.

Level 1 – Mild eye roll indicating general annoyance.

Level 2 – Full eye roll with no brow engaged means her mood could be quickly downgraded to a level 1 or she’s off to a full-blown Level 3.

Level 3 – Eye roll uses both brows and is a sign that there’s an 85% chance of tears in the mood swing forecast.

Level 4 – Is a fully engaged double brow eye roll with a slight movement of the head and neck and can include stomping of the feet and an audible, smart mouthed “Whatever.”

Level 5 – Eye roll is a full facial contortion and requires an immediate evacuation of the premises so as not to be in the direct path of your daughter’s emotional tsunami. It’s recommended you ride out these unpredictable high winds of young teen angst by retreating to a “safe room” with wine, lots and lots of wine.

– You’ve secretly flipped your daughter off as you walk by the closed-door of her room.

– No matter how many years of schooling, postgraduate degrees or life experience you possess all of sudden you’re the stupidest person she knows.

– You realize the term Drama Queen doesn’t even begin to cover it.

– She no longer buys your argument that Target fleece and Northface fleece are the exact same thing.

– Her hair sets the mood for the morning.

– No matter what you say it’s going to be wrong.

– You’ve discovered that hair flipping is really her way of flipping you the bird.

– She no longer thinks you’re funny.  In fact, your funny is now “lame” and if you ever thought you were cool forget about it.

– It seems like she loves her phone more than you.

– Your mother is laughing her ass off and muttering things like, “What goes around comes around” or “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

– You’re repeatedly praying that like teething, potty training and toddler temper tantrums this too shall pass.

***For all things wonderfully Snarky go to www.snarkygear.com where you can find the new fall Snarky line of clothing and accessories. (Flannel Snarky P.J.’s anyone?) Plus, there’s my book – Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. (Click here for purchase information.) Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.