My Journey of Self Discovery Took a Detour at Bangs and a Spray Tan

I’ve just experienced two life-changing events.  What has happened to me recently has totally turned my world upside down. Things I thought were bad turned out to be good maybe even great. All of this has caused me to rethink my long ingrained opinions about what I thought was right.

It has been scary, this journey of self-discovery and reexamination. It has made me question everything. How could I live to be five decades and counting with such concrete opinions and then discover that I was flat-out wrong.

The two monumental things that have caused this seismic shift in my thought process are bangs and spray tans. (Uh-huh, you read that right.) For as long as I can remember, I have thought both were not just hideous but ridiculous.

To clarify I don’t dislike bangs in general I just hated them on me. I have always assumed that my square face would look creepy with bangs. When any hair stylist would mention bangs to me I would do a condescending laugh. But, two weeks ago I went where I have never imagined I would venture to – over to the bang side.

In a surprise to no one that knows me my bang conversion was based solely on cheapness. I have some Defcon 1 forehead wrinkles and the whole Botox cha-ching was never an option. The more affordable way to go was to just cover them up with hair. I thought of it like a blanket for my wrinkles.

When I approached this idea with my hair stylist she was apprehensive causing me to point-blank ask her if it was because I have a face the shape of a box? She deferred comment on that instead suggesting that before I go “full bang” I try the “side swept” look. I concurred and the rest of the story is that I, a decades long anti bangs human, am now in love with the fringe of it all. My wrinkles aren’t exactly covered but their distracted by the gentle swaying of the side swept bangs.

The other about-face in my thought process was the act of getting a spray tan. Full disclosure I have made fun of people who get spray tans for y-e-a-r-s. But in the name of research for a story  I recently got sprayed. It all felt very Kardashian-esque because the spray tan artiste makes house calls. Yes, in the comfort of my home I stepped into a spray tan tent while a certified spray-tanning expert began my Malibu Barbie transformation.

I did deviate from spray tan protocol and didn’t go the naked route (I wore a swimsuit) because I liked Holly, my spray tan friend, and didn’t want to scare her with an up close and personal look at the ravages of time combined with a Girl Scout Thin Mint cookie obsession. The whole thing took 10 minutes tops and by the next day I was sun-kissed.

The only downside was when I woke up in the morning and staggered to the bathroom I had forgotten I had been spray tanned and screamed when I looked in the mirror and saw a very well basted face staring back at me. But other than that it was nirvana and combined with my bangs I’m now beyond fabulous (or at least as fabulous as I’m going to get).

It was also taught me a lesson that maybe I don’t know everything but let’s keep that between us. It’s not something my children need to hear me confess.

Squirelly Anxiety

People telling me that I should be anxious is making me anxious. Apparently, Americans are in a very anxious state or at least that’s what I’m hearing, seeing and reading. I did a Google search about what are the top things making people anxious and could totally relate with anxiety number one – money.

I’ve been in a perennial state of being anxious about paying for college, retirement savings and all the other cash sucks for so long that it’s almost like I’m not anxious. I just consider the rumble in my brain of “Holy crap, I’m going to need to get a second job and a vigorous plasma donation schedule to make all this work out” as my new normal.

The second and third anxiety inducers on the list made me wonder if I had somehow gotten hold of the Kardarshian’s catalog of angst, especially number three – wrinkles. Who’s lucky enough that their third biggest anxiety is wrinkles?

Seriously, if getting wrinkles is at the top of your worry list you should consider yourself blessed beyond measure. It’s right up there with women who complain about how their elbows look. Do you know how much free time and lack of any obligations you would have to have that  your primary worry centers around the attractiveness of your elbows?

I’m stunned that my current and, as of right now, biggest anxiety, didn’t even break the top 100. I can’t be the only human freaking out over the full-scale squirrel invasion that is happening in the metro. Yes, squirrels are taking over and apparently my house is being used as ground zero.

Have you noticed that huge swath of squirrels are just prancing around like they own the city? And not only have squirrels increased in number, they’ve become much more brazen. I call it squirrel swagger.

I knew I was in trouble when the squirrels in my yard didn’t even scurry when they saw me. It was almost like they were taunting me or giving me the one acorn salute. Then things got much more personal. They laid claim to my home.

There I was one night at my most vulnerable, stark naked in my closet, when I heard a racket that sounded like a person buried alive trying to claw their way out of a coffin. I quickly alerted my husband and his response was a droll, “It’s the wind.”

I told him that I was fairly certain that I knew what wind sounded like and it wasn’t a hearty northern breeze making this sound. I got his standard issue follow-up to most of my complaints or quips the “You’re probably just crazy” murmur.

I, not being crazy, persevered, and discovered the very next day that the squirrels had done a little demo on my roof trim making their way into my house. Before you could say vermin, I speed dialed “Mr. Rodent.”

Mr. Rodent informed me that squirrels had basically turned my home into their own private Costco of nut storage. Apparently the winter we’ve been experiencing has resulted in very aggressive squirrels in search of a warm refuge with bountiful nut storage.

All I knew is that I wanted the nut Costco closed. Non-kill cages were put up and you would think that would solve the immediate problem except no squirrels were every found in the cages. Yep, that’s right they had outsmarted us.

So, now I lay in bed every night fearful about what they’re planning next. I had a dream that the squirrels had taken over my entire home and were holding a winter clearance sale. I ask you who has time to have wrinkle or elbow anxiety when there’s going to be a rodent uprising?