Dear Snarky – Help! My Husband Won’t Stop Farting

 I’m at the end of my rope in regards to my husband and his selfishness. He’s lactose intolerant, like officially diagnosed by a doctor as being allergic to dairy, yet he’s still eating ice cream to the tune of a couple of gallons a week. This has my man farting non-stop and I mean loud, smelly farts.

 I cannot begin to tell you how embarrassing this is. We were at Target yesterday and he was carpet-bombing the entire store. It’s so bad I don’t want to go out in public with him anymore. I’ve begged him to not eat ice cream if we are going out. He tells me farting is natural and I should just get over it and he won’t switch to lactose free ice cream because “it’s not as good.”

I’m at the point I want to tell him to choose between ice cream and me. Help me Snarky figure this out so I don’t want to murder my husband.

 Signed, The Non-Gassy Spouse

Dear Non Gassy,

You should without hesitation tell your husband it’s me or ice cream sweetheart because while farting is a natural bodily function it’s gross to consistently free range fart in a public setting.  Furthermore, the fact that he’s gorging himself on gallons of ice cream when he knows the end result will be fartopia is just all kinds of wrong. 

For the love of Gas Ex I don’t understand how a grown man feels okay walking around expelling noxious fumes without a care in the world? And even if he doesn’t give a flip about it since he’s your husband he should care about you and your feelings. 

 So go ahead girlfriend and throw down the ultimatum. Your husband needs a wake up call or else your marriage is going to be a rocky road and I’m not talking about the ice cream flavor.

*If you have a question for Dear Snarky – 21st Century Advice With an Attitude 😉 – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or PM on my Snarky FB page.