I’ve Hit the Wall

Screen Shot 2015-09-17 at 10.07.05 AMI am so tired, exhausted really from all the religious brouhaha and posturing concerning  Kentucky clerk Kim Davis and her refusal to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. The rallies, the fanfare, the presidential candidates “come a calling.” Yuck.

It turns my stomach especially the whole using the Bible to justify doing whatever you want as long as you can find a passage that kind of works for you. You want to hate on someone? Well, golly gee let’s see if there’s something we can cherry pick from the holy scriptures that will make you feel not just good, but proud about being a gigantic piece of human refuse.

And maybe if you pray really, really hard your hate will be celebrated, rewarded even and if you’re “blessed” you’ll get a three book deal (perhaps even one featuring crock pot recipes for Slow Cooking Your Self Loathing), a GoGetFunding account, and a new position will be created for you at some “Christian” values group. Maybe an associate vice president of hate mongering. Oh, wait that won’t look that good on business card so let’s change that to associate V.P. of biblical elucidation. Yeah, that will work. This way the job title is open to many interpretations just like the Bible.

It’s no wonder that research shows millennials are “significantly less religious than any previous generations of young Americans.” Who can blame them? I now consider myself significantly less religious. I don’t want to be a part of anything that doesn’t just woo hate but joyously makes love to it.

In fact, I want to start a new religion called Don’t Be An Idiot. No bible just a pledge to be a decent human being who attempts to make our communal journey through life filled with compassion and just maybe, what’s the word, I’m looking for. It’s on the top of my tongue. Yes, that’s it, love! Where did love go?

That may be too big of concept and truthfully my brain is hurting so let’s dumb it down a little and think about where did common decency go? Or if that’s still too painful let’s ponder what happened to the concept of MYOB. Not everyone needs to act like the world’s most dickish HOA president – self-righteous and all up in everybody’s business.

The worst are the misguided herd who think they’re Jesus junior because they’ve parked their butts in a pew from time-to-time or have memorized a couple of lines of the New Testament. Umm, here’s a newsflash for you – just because you go to church doesn’t give you an all access pass to being a hater the other 167 hours of the week.

Church attendance isn’t like a cloak of invisibility where simply by attending your granted the right to sit in judgement of others regardless of your own behavior. I don’t think a little introspection ever harmed anyone. Hey, that concept might even be in the Bible.

And of all the things to get judgey about why gay marriage? Why the vicious, go for the jugular hate? I couldn’t care less about the whole same-sex thing. I mean why would I base my judgement of someone because of their sex life with another consenting adult?

In our lifetime we will spend significantly more hours flossing our teeth then we will having sex. Would I judge someone based on their oral hygiene? (Okay, that could be a bad example because oral hygiene is important to your overall health and minty fresh breath + my Sonicare toothbrush = true love forever.)

Here’s a thought. What if all the folks and presidential candidates that have picked hating on gay marriage as their battle cry took a little bit of break and thought about, I don’t know, some other issues of biblical proportion like war, disease and famine.

Yikes, those kind of topics don’t sound fun or “camera ready” at all. They’re onerous problems that will require untold efforts to solve. Hating on gay marriage is easy peasy.

You dig out a couple of ink challenged Sharpies from your junk drawer, get yourself some discounted poster board purchased at the Dollar Store (just don’t get the DayGlo pink because it can look a little homo) and make some snappy signage like God hates Gays and then quote some scripture to back up your dumb assery.

If that’s too much trouble (Lord knows legible penmanship can be a challenge) there’s always sharing some bible verses on Facebook (and if you’ve got the creative juices flowing you can add in some praying hand icons and an angel).

If you’re shooting for the big time you can give a “shout out to Jesus” and organize a press conference and a rally. It’s TV 101. Just grab your signs, gather up your family, friends and pew perching buddies and it’s lights, camera action. Your hope is to get a chance to cry on national television and up your social media followers. (Trust me in 2015 nothing says retweets like a good old-fashioned Bible boo hoo.)

All this seems soooo much better and less time-consuming than the hard labor involved to attempt to make even a small difference in just one person’s life. Besides, I don’t think the TV crews will be around for that kind of “boring” stuff. (Hello, can’t the poor just work harder? Boot straps, people it’s all about pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. P.S. What’s a bootstrap?)

Plus you know what no media means? There goes your book deal and you just know, like divine intervention know, the one with the crock pot recipes had best-seller written all over it.

 *Attencover_1.3-2tion Snarky Friends I have a new book out and for a limited time only it’s just 99 cents for a heaping helping of Snark! You are now gazing at the second book in the Snarky in the Suburbs series – Snarky in the Suburbs Trouble In Texas. You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read.  I hope you like it! 🙂

Are You Telling Me You’re “More Christian” Than Me Because You Keep Your Christmas Tree Up Longer?

17-sarcastic-Christmas-tree-humorDid you know the date when you decide to take your holiday decorations down says a lot about you? I sure didn’t. I just assumed that folks eventually got around to it. Of course, I’ve been known to make snide comments about people who still have a Christmas tree in their living room and outdoor inflatables littering their yard on Valentine’s Day. But I had no idea there is what amounts to a de-Christmasing personality profile.

Last week, right before New Year’s Eve, I was talking to a group of women and I mentioned that I couldn’t wait to take down all my decorations and was counting the minutes until I could put my Christmas tree out of it’s misery. (At this point it was jettisoning needles with a vengeance.)

Our family tradition is to keep the tree up until January first and then it’s a full-scale purge of Christmas. It can’t just be me who thinks that your house looks twice as big after the Santas, the Snow Villages, the stockings, the extensive collection of vintage pinecones (don’t ask, just feel sorry for me) and North Pole Snow Globe city is returned to the basement?

Well, as I was expressing my soon to be joy of de-Christmasing, I got a stern look from one of the woman. Correction on that look. It was stern with a mix of superiority and a wee bit of pious. Yes, her chin was most definitely doing the pious thing. You know, kind of cocked to the side with a tilt. She asked me if I was a Christian. I give her a look that said, “Hey, there idiot” and replied, “Umm, yes, of course since I’m talking about taking down C-h-r-i-s-t-m-a-s decorations.”

She snorted back, “Well, I always have to ask because you know a lot of people do the Santa thing, but really aren’t what I would call Christians.”

I rolled my eyes and waited. I knew there was more and indeed there was. I got a lecture about how Christmas lasts until January 6 with the Feast of Epiphany and how all her decorations stay up until then. I joked that at my house the Feast of Epiphany is when my kids go back to school. No one laughed. (“Come on that’s funny? Right?)  Instead “Pious Chin” gave me a look that one would usually reserve for heretics or people who write checks at the grocery store.

Before I had to chance to defend myself another woman, with some hipster glasses, butted in with her tale of how she keeps her decorations up until at least the third Sunday after Christmas because of the “historical vagaries” of the birth of Christ.”

Oh my, was that a religious throwdown I just heard? On the off-chance it was I was staying put and settling in. This could be getting good. The first couple of seconds it seemed like nothing was going to happen. I felt duty bound, in the name of theological study, to help the discussion along so I directed a question towards Pious Chin and half laughing asked, “Does that mean she’s more devout because she keeps her tree up longer?”

Ladies and gentlemen we have lift off. Pious Chin informed Hipster Glasses that she didn’t know what she was talking about with the whole “vagaries” comment. Hipster began to give the Chin a discourse about December 25. She had me through the Winter Solstice, but lost me at Gregorian calendar. It was good for a while, the whole tit for tat thing. It was like watching a version of Bible Jeopardy. “I’ll take Luke 2:8 for 100 Alex.”

Because I started this chitchat/feud I to wanted to end it before it got any more heated. I figured the best way to do this was to call a truce by complimenting both women on their outstanding biblical knowledge. This did nothing to deter the “conversation.” I was going to have to pull out the heavy artillery.

I went big. I asked about their kids. Specifically, if their children were going to take part in the Duke Talent Identification program for gifted elementary school students. I didn’t even have a chance to fully enunciate the word gifted before these two were off the Bible and on to test scores. It was a like a WWF cage match. You know if the wrestlers wore J. Crew and carried iPhones in Lilly Pulitzer floral cases.

I slowly backed away and thanked Jesus (birthday undetermined) that I’m a little bit of an idiot. Okay, maybe not an idiot, but let’s just say not much of a deep thinker. That for me it’s just holiday decorations, not a treatise on my faith, and this girl can only look at a creepy pine cone collection for so long before it’s got to be boxed up and banished to the basement.

Hey, Snarky friends please re-like my page on Facebook. I got hacked and had to start my page from scratch. Thanks! Click on the FB icon located at the top right hand of blog and let your friends know that Snarky is back.

 **For more Snarky check out my book  Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. 

Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. 

 

 

Bible Verse Throw Down

Picture 7

I’ve had a busy month being evil.

I’m talking going straight to the burning pits of hell kind of evil where you’re forced to get a bikini wax every hour whether you need one or not. Of course it’s totally not my fault.

It’s my job’s fault. My current work assignment is researching and writing a neighborhood safety guide. Talk about a mind numbing snoozer. And who needs a freaking guide? The whole thing can be summed up in two sentences: Hey, you fools in the burbs practice some common sense. Don’t leave your keys in your car and lock your wrought iron, faux, French country, mahogany enriched front door.

Oh, if only it were that simple, but no I have to drag that information out to create a guide. This dull, boresville, task led me to fall back on my greatest talent – the ability to waste time. Before anyone who works in human resources gets all high and mighty about my “goofing off” during company hours. Relax your ass. I get paid by assignment not how many hours I work. So the only one I’m hurting is myself.

That said, I would sit down at my computer with the best of intentions, but ultimately would get side tracked by Satan’s earth-bound flunkey – Facebook. It was while I was simultaneously checking my newsfeed and looking at shoes on Zappos that I noticed a decided upswing in the number of bible verses being posted by my “friends.”

Now, I’m from the South and went to Baylor so as you can imagine my newsfeed is thick with bible verses. Some days it’s like I’m on the Christian Mingle version of Facebook. Upon further research I discovered that it was two women, who each live in the same town, that were posting a bible verse approximately every two hours. This made me curious so I dug deeper and starting lining up their bible verses. That’s when I got a snarky tingle that started at the base of my spine and worked it’s way to the “Oh no you didn’t” part of my brain because holy crap from the looks of it these two middle-aged moms were bitch-slapping each other with the bible.

Hallelujah!

To confirm my theory I went archival. I sorted through their home pages and discovered what I believed to be the source of the friction. As with most mothers the falling out seemed to be over children. Their Facebook pictures told the story. Each mother has a 15-year-old daughter. The girls both went to the same high school. Back in April both moms had posted about being “So excited for cheerleader tryouts!” 🙂

Scroll down to July and one mother’s page was filled with photos of her daughter at summer cheer camp. The other mom’s page was not AND right about the time the cheer camp photos started popping up is when the non-cheer mom began the first barrage of bible verses. She went Old Testament and it was brutal. Each verse was accompanied by a cryptic personal message.

So proud of my daughter and her values! She would never cheat to get ahead. That’s something for this mom to c-h-e-e-r about.

Proverbs 20:10 “The Lord hates both these things: dishonest weights and dishonest measures.” 

Right after that the cheer mom Proverbs right back.

Proverbs 12:22, KJV Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight.

And then it was off to the races. Each mom would volley back a bible verse that in some way was a put down to the other mother and her family. From reading between the bible verses I surmised that the non-cheer mom thinks that the cheer mom’s daughter cheated to make cheerleader and that the mom helped her daughter cheat. At first Proverbs got a nice little workout. It seemed to be the non-cheer mom’s favorite go to book of the bible. She even made this verse her Facebook cover photo.

Proverbs 29:27 “An unjust man is an abomination to the just: and he that is upright in the way is abomination to the wicked.”

The cheer mom though was no slacker. She didn’t fear going to that scary place – Revelation.

Rev 21:8 All liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.

I couldn’t help myself. I had to get involved. Wouldn’t you? It’s just too delicious and way better than writing about McGruff the Crime Dog. So, I used my time when I should have been working to invent bible verses and then take those fake verses and share them on each woman’s Facebook page. The women would then use my faux verses in their status updates skirmishes.

Why did I do this?

No, it’s not because I’m mentally unbalanced, well, truth be told that could be some of the reason. But the real reason is I did it as an act of evangelism. Yeah, that’s right I did it for God. Because, although, I’m not a biblical scholar I don’t think the Lord Almighty meant for his Good Book to be used in a bible verse, bitch slapping, battle between two bitter moms.

Now, you might think it’s hard to invent bible verses but I found that if you put a thou or some old-fashioned word in a sentence you were pretty much good to go. I also started out attributing my bible verses to the Book of Zephaniah because I Googled “least quoted book of the bible” and that’s what popped up.

This was one of my made up favorites and the non-cheer mom loved it! Even better when she put it as her status update it got 57 likes.

Zephaniah 1:19 A mother who lies passes thou sin to the daughter who the almighty will curse 1,0000 times over till hell becomes the descendants burial grounds. 

Then I started feeling guilty, like God might smite me or something for incorrectly using the book of Zephaniah. So, I began making up my own books of the bible. I thought I would get busted for this as soon as I posted it on Facebook. As I said I went to Baylor and you have to take a semester each of Old and New Testament religion that are ridiculously hard. So, hard I took my religion classes at McLennan County Community College because I didn’t want the bible to make me cry or lower my GPA.

Plus if you judge my Facebook associates by their posts a lot of my “friends” considered themselves very devout and righteous individuals. I assumed they would know their bible. They did not. I was going on week three of posting gems like this:

Hermesian 4:29 “A daughter’s reflection should be of the Lord and not of her mother who is rife with deceit.”

FYI – It got more than 100 likes. (Yeah me!)

It wasn’t until last night that I got outed by my husband of all people. He went to the University of Texas so we all know that makes him 97% heathen. I was stunned he knew even one book of the bible. He rarely gets on Facebook, but just happened to be scrolling down his newsfeed and saw one of my “bible” verses being shared by the non-cheer mom.

The key here is I never posted the verses as my status update. I only took turns sharing them on the two bickering mom’s pages. Most of the time they would copy, paste them as their own verse of the hour. This time the non-cheer mom gave me a shout out. I was doomed.

My husband, taking the Lord’s name in vain repeatedly, asked me, “What the hell are you up to? And “What the hell is the book of Hermersian?” Adding “Isn’t that a beach in Southern California?”

While cooking dinner I quickly blurted out, “That’s Hermosa beach, you idiot.” And then did the whole bible verse debrief. I knew in my heart my husband would see how I had God’s back and was a virtuous woman. Unfortunately, he was filled with the very unholy spirit of non-forgiveness and insisted that I cease and desist. “Whatever,” I said, “I’m kind of getting tapped out creating bible verses.”

“Here’s a bible verse for you,” he said all pious like while drinking his vodka on the rocks, “Do unto other others as you would have them do unto you.”

“That’s not even original to the bible. It’s a philosophy found in every major religion.”

“Doesn’t matter where’s it’s from. Try following it.”

I rolled my eyes right in his face and said, “Well, Mr. Vacation Bible School Drop Out, I hope if I’m ever a passive aggressive jack ass that uses the bible to go one-on-one with another mom on Facebook that someone will do exactly what I did.”

He got silent for a moment, took a sip of his drink, and said, “You do have a point.”

And then as if God agreed with him a beatific glow of light filled my kitchen. It was that or someone had left the refrigerator door opened. I prefer the hand of God theory myself and that’s what I’m sticking with.

*Attention Snarky Friends, I have a brand new book out. It’s the second in the Snarky in the Suburbs scover_1.3-2eries – Snarky in the Suburbs Trouble In Texas. You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read.  I hope you like it! 🙂