My Christmas “Do Not Want” List

I have no idea what I want for Christmas besides the mom trifecta of world peace, love and the eradication of disease and famine from our planet. I do thodfb611ed1d99e87277defbdda9836e41--birthday-cards-happy-birthdayugh know what I don’t want and what I will be ticked off if I get.

It’s not that I’m picky. In fact, I consider myself a low maintenance human (currently open to debate by my family) who has no need for anything flashy. No jewels or designer apparel appeals to me. The only exception I’ll make is designer cleaning appliances. Because without a doubt, one of my best Christmas presents in the history of me breathing has been my Dyson with some super over-the-top pet hair attachments.

It’s my chore bestie and I can’t imagine my life without it. Go ahead and make fun, but I’m telling you my vacuum has life changing properties. You don’t know true joy until you see its suction prowess in regard to kitty litter eradication.

In terms of what I don’t want, well I’ll stick to my top three staring with one of those DNA family tree deep probes. I just read that these kits are predicted to be one of the top gifts for Christmas. Ugh.

I get people wanting to find out that they’re half Scottish, so they can use that as an excuse to stuff themselves with Walker’s shortbread cookies to make up for lost time, but what I don’t want during the holiday is discovering I have a gene pool floating with every worst-case medical diagnosis known to 21stcentury medicine. And as a proud hypochondriac all that information would be like throwing lighter fluid on my already extensive list of ailments, I’m positive I have.

Another gift that I don’t want, or need is new freaking phone. I’ve tried in earnest to explain to my children that perhaps one shouldn’t get a new phone until the one you have is worn out or no longer compatible with current technology. I don’t think my iPhone 6 is obsolete. It’s not cracked, still holds a charge and I can text with wild abandon so why do I need an iPhone 10 that will up by cell phone bill by at least $25 a month? I’m still miffed I was shamed into parting with by precious iPhone 3 G.

But what will really trigger a conniption fit is if I, or anyone that resides in my home, gets another Alexa, Echo or other subversive spying device. I hate those things and know they’re ground zero for world-wide robot domination.

The other night I was home all alone, my husband was a thousand miles away in Washington D.C., and as I’m drifting off to sleep, I hear what sounds like a demented serial killer singing “Good night, Sherry” over and over.

At first, I thought maybe I was hearing something or one of my dogs had mastered the English language. But then I heard it again and again. I was now knocking at the Defcon 1 door of hysteria. My fist through was to flee the premises. But where was the killer? Was he or she waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs? I called my son for help who informed that was “probably Dad because he’s hooked up all the Echoes, so he can communicate remotely from his phone.” Are. You. Kidding. Me?

Yes, it was indeed my husband. Who, “didn’t mean to scare me” and “just wanted to say goodnight.” Whatever, because you not what I said goodnight and goodbye to – ever single Alexa/Echo in our home. Those spying robot overloads will no longer rule my domain and I’ll consider that the perfect Christmas present.

Holiday Traditions That Need To Go

I’m an unabashed holiday freak. (Although I draw the line at putting up Christmas decorations before Halloween. That’s just showing a deep disrespect and disregard for the seasons.) I love the month of December like Santa loves the heated seat in his sled. I’m all about the ho, ho, ho and holly jolly. That said, there are some traditions and trends that I’d like to see get permanently put in cold storage at the North Pole, even, gasp, a few of the classics. So, hold on tight to your peppermint mocha because it’s about to get frosty.

Present Parity

I doubt every family does this and I accept 100 percent responsibility for the gift counting issues I’ve created within my family. For you see, I have raised children who still insist that each of them has an equal number of presents.

It started when my oldest was still in Thomas the Tank Engine pull-ups. To help him learn to count, I would stack all his presents and together we would go through them. Then, when his sister came along I did the same thing. The result is now two kids who display an obsessive-compulsive disorder in regards to gift equity. I know most of the reason they still do this is because one of their main hobbies is to annoy me. So, last year, I took to wrapping empty boxes to create an equal tableau. Alas, I was thwarted by a sarcastic child who remarked that her brother’s presents seemed to display a “higher quality gift wrap experience.”

Opening a Present on Christmas Eve

As a kid, I lived for Christmas morning. To take the edge off, my mother would let us open one present on Christmas Eve. I would get all excited, clawing through the gift wrap and ripping open the box like a rabid bear. That exuberance ended upon discovering – Ta-Da – pajamas. Freaking flannel pajamas. Talk about an epic letdown that not even a fistful of candy canes could cure.

Finally, after a couple of Christmases I wised up and told my mother I wanted to open a present that wasn’t going to be PJ’s. Surprisingly she acquiesced. I was thrilled until the gift was worse, much worse than pajamas. It was house slippers from Sears. Ugh.

This is why, as an adult, I have instilled a no-present-opening policy till Christmas morning. No one needs their holiday mojo messed with by starting out the best day of the year with the lamest gift in the pile. Also, I’m very thrifty and I’m on team holiday pajamas that make their debut November 1. That way you can ensure that you’re getting the most wear time out of your family’s elf-themed fleece.

Themed Holiday Dinner

I’m still angry, years later, over how the traditional Christmas dinner I lust after 364 days a year was ruined by a relative trying to be a mini “International Martha Stewart.” This relative, who shall remain nameless, instead of doing the whole sweet potato casserole with gingersnaps and the turkey and dressing yum of it all, decided to create an authentic Nordic menu for dinner.

Answer me this, who wants to dine on Rudolph on December 25? Yep, you guessed it. Reindeer was what’s for dinner and it was being served with a side of oat-rye-spelt clusters and dill-cured arctic char. Blech! There’s not enough hot glögg in Norway to make that palatable.

Here’s my tried and true advice for the holidays – stick with what you know. For example, a couple of days ago I saw a recipe for an updated green bean casserole. It looked very green and lush and I was seriously tempted to upgrade Christmas dinner with this more gourmet version. But then I read the recipe. It was devoid of cream of mushroom soup and those French’s curly onion thingamabobs.

Say what? How do you make a green bean casserole without the cream of mushroom soup? It’s like saying you’re going to make a chocolate cake and then not adding chocolate. That’s crazy talk. As for not having salty, greasy, crispy, onions on top, well, I just literally have no words except – sad – because that casserole would have made me sad and no one needs to feel that on Christmas.

Cheating on Your Christmas Tree

Remember the good old days when folks stayed in a monogamous relationship with their Christmas tree? You had one tree and it got all the love, attention and holiday cheer. Now, a lot of us have become polyamorous with our trees. There’s a faux-flocked Frasier fir in the family room, a white spruce holding court in the living room, Noble firs in the kids’ bedrooms and even an artificial “slim” Montana pine in the kitchen. We’ve become a society where one tree is no longer enough to satisfy us. It’s a sickness that’s impacting the holidays.

What’s wrong with sharing your love with assorted evergreens? Many things, but if I had to pick just one it would be that an abundance of trees equals a lackluster decorating ambience. Think about it. When there was just one tree it got all the ornament ardor. When you add in another couple of trees to the mix it can look, oh no, there’s that word again – sad. Each successive tree looks a little less festooned. A little less TLC’d. It’s just not right I tell you. Let’s make holiday decorating great again and embrace the one tree way of life.

Healthy Holiday

This concept just needs to raise the refined white sugar flag and surrender. A healthy holiday, of course can be a reality. And if you’re all about doing a 30-day fermented juice cleanse and training for a mud run triathlon in December, then you have my condolences. Seriously, my thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I get it. I really do. You’re a health beast, but what I don’t get is when the health beast becomes the holiday buzz kill.

Hey, just because you’re suffering from cookie dough deprivation don’t try to smother my gingerbread joy by doing an oral calorie count of what I’m consuming. Or worse, plug my food intake into the death clock app on your phone and share that my current rate of shoving spoonfuls of shortbread batter, containing loads of sugar, bleached flour, and raw eggs into my mouth is taking 3.5 years off my life.

This is not news I want to hear, pretty much ever, and much less during the holidays. It’s a total Scrooge move and it’s bad karma to harsh someone’s holiday vibe. The holidays should be a delicious, no-judgement zone. You can get all superior about your workout and kale and cauliflower smoothies on January 1.

Let’s all now grab a cookie smothered in buttercream frosting, or double fist a cookie and a hot cocoa with whipped cream, doused with red and green sprinkles and a candy cane garnish (I’m looking at you healthy holiday) and toast to the glad tidings the season brings, that far outweigh all the annoyances I just featured on this list.