I have an anniversary to celebrate. No, it’s not a milestone birthday or anything like that. It’s not even a major wedding landmark. It’s better.
I’m a woman who has gone 10 years – an entire decade – not wearing any shapewear.
Yes, 10 years ago this month, I swore off squeezing myself into the Lycra demon where through the miracle of elastane and compression a person can smush parts of their body until breathing becomes problematic.
Some of you may refer to this demon as Spanx, others might go old school and call it a girdle or if you work at Macy’s in the women’s lingerie department it’s referred to as a “foundation garment.”
Whatever name you want to give this instrument of torture just know that I’ve been blissfully free from its cruelty for 3,650 days and counting.
My journey to shapewear freedom was rather perilous. It took a near death experience to make me realize I needed to stop my abusive behavior.
The catalyst for change was an event that required me to wear an evening gown. To get the gown to fit properly or properly by society’s standards I made the decision to wear three pieces of shapewear.
First up was a bodysuit. This meant from just below my clavicle to my mid thigh I was encased in elastane. Then because I thought my stomach region needed a little bit more compression I added a high waisted brief to further smoosh me in.
All this squashing resulted in a game of Tetris because the compression in the front of the body forced what I was trying to flatten to my back. Thus resulting in some unwanted lumps and bumps.
But then when I tried to smoosh those lumps and bumps down by adding another layer of Lycra in the form of a back “smoother” it would shove those lumps and bumps right back to my stomach region.
It was very frustrating and if I didn’t have a face full of makeup on I would have cried. But instead I made the executive decision to soldier on wearing all three layers of shapewear. Yes, my stomach wasn’t perfectly flat but I was trading some flatness for less lumps in my back.
At this point it didn’t matter that taking a full inhale and exhale would be challenging or that going to the bathroom was going to be a nightmare requiring me to almost fully undress to complete the task I needed to leave or I was going to be egregiously late.
A mere 15 minutes later as I was driving downtown for the event I realized I couldn’t breathe. I panicked, as one would, and started ripping off my clothes. First off was the high waisted brief. Once that came off I calmed down enough to pull fully off the road and take off the back smoother.
The hard part was peeling off the bodysuit. I had sweated so much while panicking that it felt like it was Gorilla glued to my torso. Finally, with sheer brute strength I got it off and then put my dress back on so I wouldn’t get arrested for indecent exposure.
It was at that exact moment I knew I was done with trying to squeeze, smoosh, compress, and cram my body into some inane standard of what I woman should look like. From that day on I have been shapewear free.
This decision resulted in a liberation that extended beyond shapewear. It gave me the strength to shun shoes that hurt and any article of clothing that didn’t make me feel happy. Now, when I go out I actually enjoy events. It’s amazing what being able to breathe will do for you.
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You know what’s even better than a shape wear free anniversary? Reading. If you adore funny, fab books please give one of mine a lookie loo. From Empty a “laugh till you cry” menopausal revenge adventure perfect for any woman who buys wrinkle cream in bulk to the Snarky four pack – Back to School, Trouble in Texas, Four Seasons of Snarky and Killer Dance Mom.
Back to School is a hysterical read for every mom who’s marinated in elementary school parent drama. Trouble in Texas is a tall tale of what happens when a mother just can’t stop meddling and enlists her 40 something daughter in her schemes. Four Seasons of Snarky is the ideal book to give to someone who needs a primer on suburban revenge plots. AND Killer Dance Mom is the first Snarky mystery that involves all the crazy of being a dance mom especially when a judge gets murdered.
Just click this Amazon link for a trip to the Snarky Universe. 🌎www.amazon.com/stores/Sherry-Claypool-Kuehl/author/B00S5WL2N
Snarky in the Suburbs 