Tandem Bike Trip = Marriage Buster

I’ve been married a long-ish time. I guess I could take pride in that fact if my mother hadn’t tarnished my brain with her belief that a long marriage doesn’t always equal a good marriage. Her oft repeated statement was that sometimes people stay married because “they’re just too lazy to get a divorce.” (Laziness in my mother’s opinion being a much bigger issue than getting a divorce.)

She also enjoyed sharing that a successful marriage included not “being joined at the hip.” This is a sentiment I can get behind. I love my husband but that sure doesn’t mean I want to do everything with him. That said, there are those super couples who seem to thrive in always being together. 

This is something I can’t fathom and, in fact, makes me nervous and for some reason itchy to even contemplate. But get ready for #CoupleGoals because I recently read about a duo in their 60s who endured  a cross country trip on a tandem bike. Like they were literally stuck together on a bicycle built for two pedaling and pedaling every day for months with no chance of escape from each other. 

And it gets worse, so much worse – they camped out almost every one of those days. You know what that means, don’t you? Two of the creepiest words in the English language – campground showers. It’s one of my top ten fears and includes any shower that requires the wearing of shoes. For me this is one of life’s eternal questions – if you have to wear shoes in the shower are you really clean?

Reading about this couple’s “adventures” made me, for the first time in my life, glad I have IBS which means I could never do this kind of “vacation” due to what I’m going to call my urgent bathroom needs. To me a lasting romance means never having to answer the call of nature in nature especially when three-ply toilet paper is your love language. 

I’m also totally mystified how this tandem bike twosome managed to not have a single fight that led to one of them abandoning their bike, tent and shower shoes and calling an Uber. I’ve thought about this a lot and I’m not sure my husband and I could make it on a tandem bike from our house to the nearest QuikTrip. 

One of the big problems would be who was going to ride up front. I sure wouldn’t want to ride in the second seat and stare at my husband’s back the entire time. It’s not that he doesn’t have a very nice back, it’s just that a change of scenery would be nice. Also, the person in front steers and I would want to be that person so I could steer away from a campground and towards a Hilton Garden Inn.

The only upside that I see for riding in the second seat is that it’s prime real estate for second guessing. From that vantage point you can vigorously complain about every decision that’s been made which would be one way to entertain yourself during a cross-country trudge of doom.

What’s really blowing my mind about this 60 something couple is that once was not enough. They’re planning another coast-to-coast pedal marathon. If by some miracle my husband and I physically survived the first journey I couldn’t see us ever doing it again. Mainly because I doubt we would still be married and I’m certain the divorce petition would state campground showers as the primary grounds for dissolution.