Help Me Before I DIY Again

I don’t know what you’re doing today but I’m bracing for impending doom. This is because I’m about to embark on another round of home improvement. And I’m not even doing anything that major like tearing down the walls in my bathroom where I’m sure I would discover a community of black mold so entrenched that it’s established its own school system.

My soon to be doom riddled experience is simply repainting baseboards and some ceilings. The fact that it sounds so uncomplicated is part of the doom plan. I say this based on years of experience where anything that is meant to be easy peasy turns into Dante’s Circles of Hell.

I put most of the blame for this on home improvement shows that make any task look effortless. But in reality, nothing that requires a “quick run to Lowe’s” is ever going to be painless. The hard truth is that as soon as you open up something as innocent as a can of paint it’s “go time” for a disaster.

This is because there’s at least three things that are going to happen. One – the paint will be the wrong color, sheen, or hue. Sure, it’s the color you told the paint people you wanted but when you get home it looks “off.” 

Two – Not wanting to run back to the paint or home improvement store you decide that maybe you’re the one that’s “off” and go ahead and paint. 

Three – Hours later you’re on a drop cloth with a paint stir stick clinging to your backside as you rock back and forth in the fetal position whimpering because the paint was wrong and now you have to start all over again.

Trust me what I just shared is the condensed version. I didn’t even go into the subcategory of paint brushes. Because no matter what you have purchased it won’t be up to the job. Welcome to paintbrush Bingo with the Purdy XL Swan flat paint brush as the center square.

If I want to get heart palpitations, I’d do a deep dive on sandpaper because you can’t do any baseboard touch up painting without sanding. That whole scene is a number’s game. Do you start with a 120 grit and work up to a 200? And you better choose wisely because one rub-a-dub-dub with the wrong grit and you’ve got to get out the wood putty which then requires – you guessed it – more sanding.

Yes, a thousand times, yes, I could hire a very capable person or company to do all this for me. But thanks to aforementioned home improvement shows I would feel like an incompetent moron for not having the basic skills to touch up my own baseboards. All my fingers work, and I have opposable thumbs therefore I should be able to accomplish this most trifling of tasks.

But the more I think about it, the more worried I’m getting. Perhaps the best course of action would be simply rearranging my furniture to disguise the most egregious baseboards. 

Wait, I think I just stumbled onto a fabulous idea for a TV show – how to get out of doing home improvement. It could feature a perky host with loads of tips like training yourself to avert your eyes to peeling paint, putting a darling laundry hamper over chipped bathroom tile and doing a large art installation of family photographs to disguise any pesky wall issues. 

You’re loving the idea aren’t you because like me you’ve just realized that then we could all go live our lives free from the burden of DIY home improvement.