Sharpening My Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions make me nervous. I think it’s the whole setting yourself up for failure issue once you make that resolution list.

It’s not that I’m against personal self-improvement or list making. I love making lists and even find a certain Zen beauty in a handwritten grocery list made with a Sharpie fine point pen. It’s just that most New Year’s resolutions are so basic – lose weight, get organized – you know the drill.

If I was going to do an honest New Year’s resolution list it would include the same thing as last year – don’t get Covid. In fact, I almost feel responsible for Omicron – like I jinxed the world. The day I bought lipstick for the first time since 2019 was the day the new variant was announced.

I had been holding off on buying lipstick because why bother since the lower half of my face had been masked for almost two years. But I was feeling optimistic and thought that lipstick on my visage would soon be back full time. 

Wrong, wrong, wrong. I’m still holding out hope that someday, say this summer, I’ll get to wear my new tube of argan oil infused “Hey Frenchie” MAC lipstick out in public. It’s currently sitting in a drawer being held hostage by the Omicron variant.

Now, if I was going to do a practical, kind of news you can use, resolution list it would include things like having sharpened scissors in the house. I currently own six pairs of scissors. They all fail at their appointed job – cutting.

I found this out when I was wrapping Christmas presents and none of my scissors could cleanly slice through ribbon. When I complained about this my son said it was because I needed to have my scissors on a “sharpening schedule.”

Really, a “sharpening schedule.” Does this kid even know me? Like I have the keen organizational prowess to have my household scissors on a sharpening schedule. Who does that beside a serial killer?

His comment did, though, plunge me into the world of scissor sharpening videos. There were thousands of them and a lot had a million plus views. I started my journey with a 30-minute YouTube video on “how to sharpen scissors like a professional.”

This was a mistake and not because the scissor expert had perhaps the worst case of cuticle neglect I’ve ever seen but because about 10 minutes into the video I realized I should be watching something less technical like maybe how to sharpen scissors if you’re kind of lazy and don’t own a diamond plate. Spoiler alert – a diamond plate is not a serving platter encrusted with an assortment of 20 karat diamonds. Sadly, it’s just industrial grade sandpaper with “diamond particles.”

I finally found my people when I landed on a video about sharpening scissors by cutting through aluminum foil. Talk about easy peasy. Consider me now hooked on scissor sharpening and please note that I now have scheduled sharpening dates on my calendar through 2023. Which means I really need to take back that serial killer comment.