So, it’s come to this – I’m now obsessed with footsteps. Specifically, the number of steps I take every day.
Yes, I know this is so early aughts the whole step counting thing. But my preoccupation stems from the fact that my husband and I are now competing over who takes the most steps.
It didn’t start as a competition but once my spouse started bragging about his step count I was like, “Oh, it’s on.”
Mainly because there was no way he was walking more than me. I walk our dogs for a solid hour every day and then some. Does he do that? Let me help you out there the answer is a great big no.
But then he showed me his step count and while I should have been impressed I was more mystified. As in how is walking that much and when is he doing it? Are we in some sort of pandemic induced time space continuum?
My dog walking steps looked minuscule compared to his. I think this is because my dog “walks” can be classified as more of a sniff and stroll than a hard-core power strut. But still I didn’t want to live in a world where I was getting that thoroughly bested.
This meant a full-scale competition. Now, I’m walking a lot which has given me more time to think about assorted random nonsense.
My latest walk had me going deep on something called a “smart toaster.” Apparently, it’s a top 10 Christmas gift. No joke, this toaster is a brainiac. I don’t know about you but I prefer at least one kitchen appliance to have a lower IQ than me.
The highlights of this very expensive toaster is that it “browns bread in a fraction of the time of regular toasters” and you can select the “exact shade and level of crispness.”
Question of the day. What kind of diabolical time crunch do you have to be in that you need a faster toaster? As for getting all wrapped up in the crispiness of your toast – I’m thinking it could be a sign that your life has entered the dark realm of an extreme toasting obsession.
As I walked and walked, I also couldn’t stop pondering food competitions. I’ve been watching a bevy of cooking shows from HGTV’s “Holiday Baking Championship” to Netflix’s “Sugar Rush Christmas” and I have found common denominators besides carbohydrates and sucrose.
A lot of the programs feature the same competitors. Is there some sort of elite baking league where people earn a living just by working the circuit of TV cooking competitions?
Sadly, the bakers that suffer defeat in one show also seem to brutally lose in their next TV competition. At what point do they say, “Our sugar cookie dough just isn’t good enough” and hang up their aprons?
Also, when will every TV baking competitor learn that if you use an extract for flavoring you will lose. It’s the kiss of death.
Judges yearn for the opportunity to say, while making a face of extreme disappointment, “I can taste the extract and it’s really delivering an artificial flavor profile.”
By the time I was up to 12,000 steps I was seriously thinking of starting an online baking class called “How not to lose a TV baking competition.”
The first lesson would, of course, be no extracts. Class number two would be no bread pudding – ever – because you don’t have time and the third knowledge bomb would be to add cream cheese to your American buttercream frosting otherwise the judges will think it’s too sweet.
Do I wish my brain would focus on more intellectual concerns? Yes, please.
But in my defense I believe this whole smart toaster phenomenon is an unclassified mental health emergency. So, perhaps I’m now an amateur diagnostician of emerging maladies.
Snarky in the Suburbs 