New Year’s Resolutions – File That Under Never Going to Happen

The first week of January is always irritating. You keep forgetting that it’s a freaking new year and you have to endure people’s social media proclamations what their New Year’s resolutions are.

My favorite are the people who say their signing off from social media on social media (of course) usually with some long-winded statement about taking their life back and then a week later, in a surprise to no one, they’re on Facebook posting a cryptic statement, usually about politics, that ends with “I’ll just leave this right here.” Umm okay, crazy.

 I also hate it when people ask you what your New Year’s resolution is because apparently responding with “maintaining my trajectory of fabulousness” is not seen as a sincere answer. I don’t understand why people aren’t fine with that. Who wants to hear the truth that my goal is to remember where I hid two Christmas presents?

 I’m not kidding, I seriously couldn’t find two gifts. And it’s not because my brain is having a moment it’s because our cat is Satan and, in my effort, to keep the presents safe from Satan Claws, I had to become very creative in selecting a hiding place. Unfortunately, now I can’t remember that genius location.

 I realize when responding to queries about my New Year’s resolution I could go with the perennial favorite – lose weight but that’s so pedestrian and who really would believe it? Plus, lose weight has gotten a make-over. You now say you’re embracing a mission to “adapt a sustainable healthy lifestyle.”

 This I love because that phrase is open to a lot of interpretation especially the word sustainable. It gives you wiggle room to get away with a lot because for anything to be sustainable in my life, especially my sanity, chocolate is a must have.

 New Year’s resolutions are also a little creepy and invasive. I feel like changing a part of yourself or attempting to fix a flaw in your life should be something that is private. Like HIPAA or one of those for your eyes only top-secret “Mission Impossible” sequences. Although, psychologists say sharing a goal helps you achieve it. I guess I, sort of, buy that but humble braggers have taken over that whole goal share ideology to such an extent that I don’t want anything to do with it.

Is there anything more hilarious/eye rolling than people who share their resolutions as a way to fly their “I’m awesome” flag? As in, “For this year I’ve set a goal that less is more. This is why I’m publicly vowing to right-size my life. Owning two vacation homes has certainly been fun for my family and so many wonderful memories were created in Aspen and Oahu but I’m now focusing on just one vacation home and maybe a Paris condo in an effort to embrace simplicity.” 

Yes, I just made that up but I’ve seen worse. My favorite is when they the over-the-top braggers finish their boast with “your thoughts and prayers are appreciated as I attempt to obtain this milestone.” Yeah, I’m praying for you alright. Praying that you get the gift of self-awareness this year. 

Humble braggers aside, just the act of making a New Year’s resolution can be exhausting. Some experts advise breaking your resolution up into “sub-tasks” and then doing an action plan to achieve each task by creating a color coded map. Hmm, am I the only one that got exhausted just reading that? Frankly, I checked out after the term sub-tasks and I don’t think there’s anything I want badly enough to create a color coded map for. 

That might make me sound lazy, but really it’s all about time management. Why waste time on something that’s probably never going to happen? Consider that my first deep thought of the year.