There are a lot of things in life that baffle me. Some of these things are big issues like how anyone can deny climate change and then there are the small, niggling, things that get stuck in my brain like the Stanley Steemer commercial. (Really, you’ve never found yourself singling 1-800-Steemer?)

For instance, have you ever wondered why competitive cheerleaders wear such huge bows? Bows, in some cases, as large as a cranium of a T-Rex. Is it a salute to Texas (the birthplace of awesome cheerleaders) and the whole the bigger the hair the closer to God thing? Because if that’s it those gigantic bows are certainly boot scooting cheerleaders in the vicinity of the celestial byways. Or maybe it’s an aerodynamic thing and the bows act as mini wings to increase the cheerleaders lift coefficient.

Then there’s the unsolved mystery of the trend of TV anchors and reporters wearing sleeveless dresses when it’s 16 degrees out. This boggles the mind. They’re in a studio, usually sitting next to the meteorologist with all sorts of weather seals of approval and they’ve probably heard the forecast, at least, 10 times in the past hour, and yet they don’t it’s below freezing out. The very worst is when a meteorologist is sleeve free and standing by the weather map warning everyone that the wind chill is minus 2. Hello, are you not listening to your own forecast? Please go grab a sweater. You’ve got goose bumps.

The baffler of all bafflers in my life is, hands down, why is it that every single line I’m in automatically gets slower? Not sort of slow, but s-l-o-w as in sloth like, as in all forward momentum decreases to zero.

At the airport, even with TSA pre-check, even if there’s only one other person in line, as soon as I take my place, I can guarantee you the line will cease to move again for at least ten minutes.

It’s so bad my family will not get in the same line with me. Yes, they would rather forgo pre-check and stand in a line that’s serpentining down the airport corridor than get behind me. I can’t blame them.

Last month at KCI, when I was the second person in line, one away from the sweet, sweet freedom of being cleared to move onward to dumping my belongings on the conveyor belt, the human in front of me, of course, had an issue requiring a gaggle of TSA agents and I think the airport police. By the time I was allowed to move forward 20 minutes had gone by. By the time I finally cleared security my family, who had very smartly gotten in another line that was me free, was already sitting gate adjacent with fresh Starbucks that they sipped while smirking at me.

This line thing even applies to driving. Whatever lane I change into you can bet there will be a red light or some sort of snafu that makes it the slowest on the road. And if you’re ever behind me at a drive thru prepare yourself for a historic wait to get that Egg McMuffin.

It’s gotten so bad I actually have started apologizing to anyone that is standing behind me in line. I feel it’s a public service issue and I need to share that thanks to me this line is going take forever. Sure, it may not look that way, but trust me it’s going to be awhile.

I’m really starting to think I’m cursed or worse, but infinitely more interesting, that I’m some sort of alien. Perhaps, my interplanetary DNA is causing a cosmic breakdown that’s resulting in me being line challenged. Hmm, something to really think about as I stand in line.




7 thoughts on “Baffled

  1. L.W. says:

    Oh My God! That is my life. It’s not just you. Every single line I get into will quickly become the slowest line and if I change lines the one I was just in speeds up.

    • commutingwithkristen says:

      YES! Me too. It’s the same on the freeway; the lane could be speeding along and then once I enter it- dead stop.

  2. Tanya Durham says:

    Bless your heart, you must be my doppleganger.  I hail from the great state of Texas (east Texas to be exact), and I am still questioning the cheerleader hair bows.  I have yet to get in a line or lane that moves quickly, even if it was moving right along prior to my arrival in it.  Rest assured, you are NOT alone. Tanya

  3. Donnadon says:

    I feel you about the slow line thing. Most recently it seems every line I get into, some old person (I’m talking 90 years old) comes up behind me and starts talking to me, thus butting in line in front of 30 other people. This makes everyone behind me think I was saving that old person a place in line. Which I was not. One day I had had enough and with a lot of attitude, I told the lady she was butting in line in front of like a bazillion other people and she said “I don’t care. I’m here now and I’m checking out”. Then she told the cashier she didn’t understand why I was giving her so much attitude. I so badly wanted to say “because I’m so tired of people puffed up with their own self-importance they think it’s okay to butt in line”. Grrrrr. I wasn’t feeling doing the whole being escorted out of Wal-Mart by Security walk of shame so I walked away.

  4. JanetB says:

    Oh, great, thanks! Call 1-800-Steemer! Stanley Steemer makes your home CLEANER! Argh!! Now I can’t get it out of my head!! 😉

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