It’s Going On The List!


I’m not afraid of some day having an empty nest because I’ve got a list. The list is going to make me smile, dance a happy jig even, every time I feel a twinge of sadness when all my children are off at college.

I’m not talking about a bucket list. I’m not saying a bucket list isn’t great and all, but a lot of that bucket stuff takes some serious cash. One just doesn’t experience on-the-spot happiness by thinking that way off in the future, and only if your long-term care health insurance premiums don’t rise, you might see India on the back of an elephant.

The list I have is far superior because it’s instant gratification. I have started an inventory of all the things my children do that annoy me. As of today it’s at 218 points of supreme irritation.

Now, I know you’re thinking only 218? Wow, mine would be 218,000. But, in fairness, I only started the list two years ago when my son went away to college and I was down to only kid left at home. Thus I began to fear the future of being childless. So, in the sort of backwards version of counting your blessings I started my List of Reasons I Will be Happy When My Kids Aren’t Around 24/7 Driving Me Crazy.

It has items on it like #23 – no more having to get kids out of bed.

My daughter can hear when she’s get a text even if her phone is on silent and in another county, but she can’t wake up to a freaking alarm! This makes me the Big Ben of the family. It wouldn’t be that much of a huge deal, at all, except I have to go back into her bedroom multiple times to make sure she’s up.

I start out with a chipper, “It’s a great day to be a mustang!”

The phrase irritates my daughter, like no other, because it’s on all her high school announcements and you know what gets kids out of bed? Being irritated. This though, is just the start, after my fourth, becoming more and more ticked off, trip to her room I finally have to go with the walking to school threat to get her vertical.

The whole thing is very draining and so not how I like to start my day. This is why I know deep in my heart that when I’m sad and I look at #23 I’ll feel a whole lot better.

Now, of course, my family knows I have a list and it’s a wonderful thing. Primarily because when they do something that really annoys me I can scream, “You can bet that’s going on the list!” Last weekend was a list spectacular due to my children openly mocking me about my decorating taste.

I have just gotten my dining room updated from yuck to yum. The glory of the room is some cheerful yellow wallpaper and a light fixture that, sort of, resembles a disco ball, but I’m telling you it’s a classy disco ball and no that is not an oxymoron. I was gloriously happy with the room until my children saw it and shared their not asked for opinion.

My daughter told me it looked like the set from “That 70’s Show.” My son jabbed the knife in further and proclaimed that I could sell tickets for people to see it due to the “Yikes factor.” Then my daughter came back for another verbal punch and asked, “What exactly do you think your decorating style would be called mom? I’m thinking there might not be a word for it.”

I proudly replied while stuttering, “It’s, it’s, rage about the beige!”

“Oh, it’s raging all right,” was my son’s smug reply.

My only comeback was, “This, all of this, is so going on the list.”

And it did. Coming in at #217.

I’m now thinking about starting a list feature my husband’s annoyances. Number one would be when I asked him if he liked the dining room, you know as back up for our children giving me attitude, he had the gall to pile on with, “Um, I’m think we all know it’s really never about what I like.”

And then they all laughed.

My family, all of them, so very list worthy.


10 thoughts on “It’s Going On The List!

  1. P.R. says:

    Hysterical! If I decorated my house based on my kids test it would look like a cross between Pokemon and Harry Potter. As for my husband – I pretend to listen to his suggestions.

  2. Angela says:

    Regarding getting kids out of bed…a handful of marbles kept in the freezer and then slipped into the bed with the sleeper often brings rapid results. They don’t melt, they don’t warm up very fast, and the kid can’t roll away from them. And you usually don’t have to do it more than a couple of times. Just sayin’.

  3. Denise Gomez says:

    You’ve inspired me! I’m starting a list beginning with kids asking what’s for dinner and then complaining about it. Ugh.

  4. Janet says:

    My girls are 18, 16 and 15. I need a list so bad because having all girls and them being so close together in age, (college, weddings, possible moving back in or whatever) I’ll never retire or get to do fabulous things so I’ll need that instant gratification, surge of happiness over things on my list too! I love your column by the way. Sometimes I feel we are living very similar lives with the things you write about 🙂

  5. Silvia says:

    This is great! I Like the instant gratification provided by this list! Need to start mine on paper too instead of keeping in my head. No need for.buckets of cash. Love your column Snarky.

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