Family togetherness during the holiday season is a beautiful thing until, you know, it’s not. Take for instance buying a Christmas tree with teenagers. Just when you’re all atingle from the familial sharing of selecting the perfect tree to adorn your home you discover your son’s knot tying skills are rudimentary at best, especially in the adhering-noble pine-to-luggage rack- category, when your tree not so much as slides, but shimmies off the top of your car like Santa Claus trying to exit a flue he mistook for a chimney and ungracefully tumbles onto a major intersection.
Adding to that aggravation is when your daughter’s response to this tree-astrophe is to while hysterically laughing yells, “hashtag Boy Scout Fail” and your son, who should be, I’m thinking perhaps embarrassed, proclaims, “retweeting!”
It’s times like this when I desperately seek the soothing solace of a Hallmark holiday movie where TV stars from the 90’s find employment and keep their Screen Actor’s Guild insurance current all while discovering the true meaning of Christmas. In the Hallmark holiday movie universe nothing really bad happens except some really horrific hair. (I’m talking to you Crystal Bernard in 2004’s Single Santa Seeks Mrs Claus. It looks like the same team of albino ferrets that do Donald Trump’s hair got their start being the “glam squad” on this movie.) But besides some less than stellar talent in the area of back comb artistry these holiday movies are all about quality.
Movie snobs may disagree with me on this and if I had zero Christmas spirit I’d might be inclined to admit that some of the sets look like to save money the director decided to shoot the living room scene in a discount furniture showroom (seriously, like they couldn’t of filmed after hours at a Pottery Barn) and there is the continuing issue of Santa Claus casting that I question.
Although, Norm (George Wendt) from Cheers was Mr. Claus in the 2006 Santa Baby and he owned the role. Really, he was just mesmerizing and kudos to him for not falling in the whole lame ho, ho, ho trap. He kept it real.
Speaking of ho, ho, ho, former Playboy centerfold Jenny McCarthy was cast as his daughter in this movie. At first I was all, “Oh no they didn’t” but Jenny pulled it off. That’s all part of the Hallmark movie magic. It’s like a holiday casting casserole where things that shouldn’t go together do and are held together by the Velveeta of movie magic – fake snow. I’m sure there’s a snow alarm in the Hallmark movie production offices that reads: “Plotline iffy, story dragging, no couple chemistry? Then break for snow.”
Something almost better than the Hallmark holiday movie is the community that surrounds it. You can’t imagine my joy when I discovered the Facebook page Is This Hallmark Movie Good For a Hallmark Movie? It was like I was being swaddled in a cashmere blanket made from limited edition goat fur from the North Pole while eating private label Christmas Poppycock. I immediately reached out to the creators of the page (which I just have to assume are long-lost kin) for their wisdom about the Hallmark holiday movie magic.
Julianna W. Miner, one of the co-creators of the page, says she watches nothing but Hallmark Holiday movies for close to eight weeks. (I’m sooooo jealous!) For Julie the Hallmark movie is all about the stars that rival the Aurora Borealis. She gleefully shares, “Where else would you find the magical re-telling of the Dickens’ classic “A Christmas Carol” featuring Tori Spelling, Gary Coleman, and—wait for it— William Shatner. I mean, a lot of people would look at that cast and think, “Is that even real?” The answer is yes. And it’s wonderful.”
Not just content with sharing their up-to-date analysis of each movie Julianna’s Christmas cohort, author Peyton Price, created a Hallmark Holiday movie Bingo card featuring squares like a “magical twinkling sound” and a “bump on the head.” I was a little disappointed to find the card didn’t have a square for “bad hair,” but I guess the one that says, “someone wearing a wig” is close enough.
So, this holiday season if you’re ever feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or perhaps getting alarmed that your Christmas cheer maybe waning. Don’t fret. All you need to do is wrestle the TV remote away from a family member, shoo them from the room, (because nothing ruins a Hallmark holiday movie like your husband making fun of it. So what if the North Pole looks like Santa’s village at the mall?) and settle in for a blissful escape to the land of mistletoe kisses while being held hostage inside a snowglobe. Oh wait, my bad that’s an ABC Family movie. They also did Holiday In Handcuffs. What’s with ABC and the Yuletide bondage themes?
Whatever, let’s not think about that. Let’s focus on the Hallmark world where snow is like duct tape – it can fix anything.
It’s no Hallmark holiday movie because there’s no magical snow BUT my Snarky book series is a delight in so many other ways. If you haven’t experienced a Snarky book yet may I gently suggest you give yourself the gift of Snarky this holiday season. Yes, my friend just click on one of the links and presto you can get yourself some Snarky for only, wait for it, wait for it, 99 cents! You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon. It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read. 🙂
Snarky in the Suburbs 