Diary of a Mad Housewife

housework2It was put on this earth to break me. To hurl me right over the edge of sanity, that due to raising teenagers, I’m holding onto with one finger and a very ragged cuticle. But no matter what I’m not  giving up. Whatever this beast does I will come out winning even if it takes not one, but two Phillips head screwdrivers, my best tweezers, and maybe even a hammer.

Why does it hate me? What have I ever done to deserve this level of resistance and downright disrespect? I have been good to the beast. I don’t demand much of its time and for the most part it leads a pretty leisurely existence that I would even call semi retired. I’m not going to lie it has to do some of my dirty work, but not enough to make it pull this level of tantrum.

I know it wants me to crumble to the dirty carpet and do the ugly cry. But, that’s so not going to happen – yet. Nope, I’m not giving up. My barely two-year old, Merry Christmas we got you a Bissell Pro Heat Premier deluxe rug shampooer was not going to get the best of me.

It’s staring at me right now. I think it’s mocking me. Well, mock away carpet shampooer because I’m about to take a screwdriver to you. Yeah, you heard right screwdriver. I’m going to go all mad housewife on you. I googled how to fix you and even watched a YouTube video so get ready for your innards to be disassembled and then maybe even tweezed. Are you scared? Did you see the hammer? Yeah, well that’s mama’s little stress reliever just in case I need to bang out my frustration on something the video called a trigger value.

It’s not late you know? Because I consider myself a merciful person I’m going to give you one more chance to do your job. Do you remember what your job is? I don’t think you do because right now you’re not sucking and while that may seem like a good thing in the world of vacuum cleaners, sub category carpet shampooers, that’s not awesome.

You also are failing the part of your job description listed as disbursing carpet cleaning solution. Basically you’re doing the bare minimum – you turned on and other than that you’re worthless. It’s like you showed up for your job and then went to sleep in your cubicle.

If you don’t work this time you’ve given me no choice but to initiate Operation Humpty Dumpty because who knows if once I take you apart if I’ll ever be able to put you back together again. Okay, here goes I’m turning you on. This is your last chance to suck and I’ve got n-o-t-h-i-n-g.

So that’s how you’re going to play it huh? You’re going to test me. No worries. I’ve got the screwdriver. It’s game on Bissell. Six screws out and two to go and I’ve got your brush plate off. A couple of screws after that and it’s oops you’re no longer a carpet shampooer. You’re a collection of plastic cast offs.

Well that’s beyond disgusting. Good Lord, there’s enough dog hair trapped in these brushes to knit a 12 Days of Christmas blanket collection. Did this thing suck up a Sasquatch when I wasn’t looking? Well, now I’m having breathing issues due to the level of, let’s call it, fur cast-off. And I’m scared. Some of the fur trapped in here doesn’t match our dogs.

How’s that possible? I’m thinking of a lot of scenarios now and none of them are good. Is my husband pulling the ultimate betrayal –  cheating on the family with another dog? You read about these kind of things and I think there was even a Lifetime movie so I know it could happen. Come to think of it I have noticed some random chew toys in the house.

Well, based on the level of gunk stuck in the carpet shampooer I feel like I owe it an apology and need to concentrate my best efforts at putting it back together. Here we go – good as new, all cleaned up and ready for action. Carpet shampooer is turned on a-n-d it’s still not sucking. I give up. You win Bissell Pro Heat Premium. You’ve officially bested me. I will now give in to the ugly cry.

Five minutes later I’m all cried out and my husband comes home. He takes one look at me, the carpet shampooer, then leans down and switches the dial from upholstery to carpet. What do you know – that fixes the problem. I think I may cry again.

*Attencover_1.3-2tion Snarky Friends I have a new book out and for a limited time only it’s just 99 cents for a heaping helping of Snark! You are now gazing at the second book in the Snarky in the Suburbs series – Snarky in the Suburbs Trouble In Texas. You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read.  I hope you like it! 🙂