Concert Phobia

Screen Shot 2015-07-16 at 11.04.16 AMAttention Snarky readers before you begin pursuing this blog post I must share that in honor of the dog days of summer I have discounted (for a limited time) both my Snarky books to 99 cents! Just click on the links on the right side of the this page and presto you’ve got yourself some discounted Snarky fun 🙂

Do you ever feel left out of the whole pop culture scene? That perhaps you have something missing in your DNA sequence that prohibits you from having the desire to ever want to see a live concert.

This lack of passion for once upon a time “Top 40” music can leave you feeling like an outsider. When everyone under the age of 65 was having mini strokes over the Rolling Stones playing at  Arrowhead stadium recently I was pretending to be bummed out I couldn’t go when in reality I was mentally high fiving myself that I wouldn’t be sweating off my SPF and bug spray while surrounded by a collection of folks double fisting Lipitor and Bud Light.

I think my anti concert stance started with John Denver. He was my first. I was maybe 17 and was taken to the concert by a young man who ended up becoming a minister. (Back story: The best advice my mom ever gave me was, “Sherry please know that the good Lord never wants you to become a minister’s wife. No church is ready for that and probably won’t ever be.” I will confess that when she said this it hurt by feelings. Now, years later, I realize the tremendous wisdom in her words.)

This sweet, devout boy was a huge John Denver fan and loudly belted out the lyrics to every song. I, being more of a Bee Gee’s girl, barely knew who John Denver was and found the whole sing-a-long to “West Virginia mountain mama” a little uncool. I mean, come on, I was rocking big 80’s hair. I needed a song that matched my do.

My next concert was Billy Joel. It sounded great, but I couldn’t see the stage due to the thick wall of smoke from all the various forms of incendiary devices being lit up and inhaled. All I could think about was how bad my hair must smell. (Yes, again it’s all about my hair.)

Then, as we got into the 90’s all the concerts become multi media extravaganzas. This is when I had to start a mantra. It was “don’t look at the screen, look at the stage.” I did this because I wound find myself staring at the Jumbotron all night and I would harshly scold myself that I paid all this money to see a performance on stage not gape at the mother of all TV screens.

But, I think what really put the final nail in my concert coffin was my daughter, Isabella. I totally enjoyed all the Disney Princesses on Ice events and nothing says family bonding like an evening spent at My Little Pony Live! You would have to be a gigantic grump not to be visibly moved by Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash finding the true meaning of friendship through sharing bedazzled accessories.

It’s when Isabella entered the boy band period of her life that my desire to ever experience a huge concert again was killed. The 2008 Jonas Brothers concert in Sacramento was her gateway drug.

The event was held outside in an amphitheatre and the Jo Bros were wearing leather pants. All I could think about was why would their mother let them get on stage in leather. It had to be close to 100 degrees out. They should have been in some nifty cargo shorts or something.

After that I endured a slew of concerts. I was doing all right there for a while. I could still muster up what it took to get through what was essentially a couple of hours of elementary school girls screaming non-stop. Earplugs helped a lot. Then in July 2010 Justin Bieber came to the Sprint Center and my life was forever changed.

I have no doubt that one of the circles of hell is a Justin Bieber concert. For hours, even before the “Beebs” came on stage females were screaming, sobbing and in one case passing out. It felt more like I was at the largest Pentecostal revival in the history of mankind than a concert. I even had a middle age-ish woman sitting next to me who was weeping because she was so excited.

At first, when I saw the tears I turned to her and screamed, “Yeah, I totally get it! I want to cry too! This is crazy! The things we do for our kids, right?”

She looked at me and yelled so viciously, I feared for my safety, “I don’t have kids! I’m here because I loooooove Justin!”

I considered for a second if my $20 commemorative Justin Bieber program would make an adequate self-defense weapon and then I put my earplugs back in, scooted as far away from her as I could and made a solemn vow to never, ever attend another concert again.

*Attencover_1.3-2tion Snarky Friends, I have a brand new book out and for a limited time only it’s just 99 cents for a heaping helping of Snark! You are now gazing at the second book in the Snarky in the Suburbs series – Snarky in the Suburbs Trouble In Texas. You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read.  I hope you like it! 🙂

7 thoughts on “Concert Phobia

  1. Snarky Reader & Fan says:

    First, I have read both of your books and LOVED them! So, anyone that can get them for.99 should haul ass over to Amazon. Second, count your blessings you never had to go to a One Direction Concert. One year later and my ears still haven’t recovered from the screams.

  2. Olivia Redding says:

    Please know that you are not alone in your phobia. I won’t go to any outdoor concert after being rained on, almost trampled and peed on during a concert last summer in Chicago.

  3. Patty says:

    I loved this post! I really, honestly did. I also don’t care if I ever go to another concert again but I never could have put it as well as you did. Thanks for the laugh!

  4. Fran says:

    I feel your pain! I used to work at a concert venue and anytime a “boy band” came to town we got out the earplugs to help us deal with the non stop shrieking tweens.

  5. Sharon D. says:

    Just bought both your books about three hours ago. I started with Trouble in Texas and I can’t put it down. Had to send my husband to get pizza so I didn’t have to stop reading to make dinner. I’m loving the book!!!!!!!

  6. Ann Owen says:

    Dear Snarky, I need your advice about something that seems to be happening way too often. Let me preface this by saying that I have no problem with people using coupons. In fact, I get excited whenever I receive those monthly Bed Bath & Beyond ones in the mail or via text message. However, I DO have a problem with people who carry around a huge notebook full of coupons and decide to use them at 5:00 in the afternoon when everyone is in a hurry to get their stuff and get home from work. A few minutes ago, I ran into a chain pharmacy to purchase a bottle of conditioner. I thought I could just run in, pay for it, and be home within minutes. I was wrong. A lady who most likely does not work (based on the way she was dressed – shorts, shirt and Tory Burch sandals at 5:00 p.m.) was at the front register with several items, a huge printout of store coupons and a notebook that she began rifling through only when the cashier had scanned all of her items. After standing in the line for almost 10 minutes (I was second in line immediately behind coupon queen; there were 2 others behind me), one of the other customers asked if there was another register open, to which the cashier replied “in the pharmacy.” Coupon Queen said “I guess I’m taking too much time”, to which the cashier replied “No, you’re fine, they can just wait.” THAT remark sent me over the edge. I put the conditioner back on the shelf and went across the street to a rival pharmacy. I am now contemplating calling the pharmacy and asking for the manager, but the last time I did that with another chain, I was chastised by the manager for not being patient and received a 5 minutes rant about how hard his employees work. That’s a totally different issue: how the customer is NEVER right anymore. Anyway – what do you suggest I should have done? Signed,Annoyed Working Mom Date: Thu, 16 Jul 2015 16:07:25 +0000 To:

    • snarkyinthesuburbs says:

      So, let me get this straight she had a notebook full of coupons? Maybe that’s how she affords those Tory Burch sandals. . . just saying. You have every right to be ticked off at the CVS/Walgreens/Riteaid chain I mean seriously what’s up with NEVER having enough cashiers? (Walmart are you listening?) 5 p.m. is the retail bewitching hour and you would think they would have more than one human with the ability to scan on the premises. My advice is don’t waste your precious time complaining to a “manager” instead get yourself on Amazon Prime pronto. I even have my toilet paper delivered.

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