New Year’s resolutions are an act of self-flagellation. In my case it doesn’t matter what I resolve to do it will inevitably end up with me gaining at least 15 pounds. The math goes something like this: Resolution to try to be a more patient mother results in me adding on seven pounds due to suppressing my impatience by shoveling snack size Snickers bars in my mouth to keep it shut. The resolution to be more fun adds at least five pounds as I interpret fun to mean me eating more cupcakes. The one thing guaranteed to blow up the scale is, of course, to vow to lose weight. Go ahead and loosen the drawstring in my track pants because I’m going to need some extra room. This is why I urge all of you to right now abandon any resolution you may have made and join me in my anti self-improvement campaign. Instead of trying to change I think we should all celebrate what we did right last year and pledge to carry on that greatness in 2014. Here’s my list of things I plan to continue with vigor in this New Year.
Pursuing a partnership with the National Institute of Health. Some inroads have been made and by that I mean letters of concern have been sent to the NIH. I believe I have discovered the reason for declining fertility rates in suburban American woman. Yoga pants. Think about it. The current trend of women wearing overly tight, compressive, four-way stretch Lycra 24/7 is not doing any favors to their hoo ha. Scientific data supports my theory that the lady parts need to breathe. Now, add in the over Spanxing of this demographic and you’ve got a big problem. Women are suffocating their fertility. This is why last year I began on my mission to alert the medical profession to the potential health hazard of yoga pants and the mental disorder that is inflicting a large portion of the suburban female population. I call it Yogasssion. An obsession bordering on a phobia in the General Anxiety Disorder category with leanings into the Obsessive Compulsive family where one believes they can no longer master a button and/or zipper and must wear yoga pants at all times. These women also suffer from an addiction to Lycra that is so severe and crippling I strongly believe it should being added as a 12-step program. Right now I’m working on a grant to continue my research and will keep you posted throughout the year on my findings.
Making How to Use a 2 Lane Drive Thru Part of the DMV Driver’s Test. I’m in talks with various Department of Motor Vehicles throughout the United States to add drive thru etiquette as part of the licensing process. Although more and more Americans are eating fast food less than half know how to correctly navigate the perilous world of the 2-lane drive thru. The problems are two-fold. 1) A large portion of licensed drivers lack the mental dexterity to handle the conundrum of going from one lane to two or God forbid three. 2) The hostility issues related to the fool who aggressively thrusts their front bumper inches from your car in an attempt to cut in front of you to get that McRib seconds sooner. I believe that by requiring this skill to be part of the driver’s test states will be able to screen for idiots who have no business being behind the wheel of a two ton instrument of doom and it will also serve as an indicator of someone’s mental health. Anyone who is so hyped up about getting a McRib that they would knowingly cause harm to another person’s car does not need to be on the road and should be receiving, at the very least, some sort of intensive outpatient therapy.
PSA Campaign Aimed at Stopping People From Clipping Their Nails in Public. You may think it’s gross but it’s also a growing health hazard. Finger and toenail clippings going airborne are one of the great sanitation issues of our time. The human hand is a disease magnet and the fingernail is like a bacteria locker storing all the fifth that your hand has collected. If you’re not gagging yet then let’s move on to the toe nail that when covered by a sock and shoe marinates in your body’s secretions and when exposed in the open via flip-flop or sandal serves as a free range spatula scrapping up E coli and assorted deadly pathogens off the ground with the vengeance of a Kitchen Aid mixer whipping up egg whites. This is why I started a petition in 2013 for the television networks to begin a national PSA campaign to educate and shame the growing number of idiots who persist in clipping their nails in public. I’m also suggesting a follow-up PSA on enlightening the stooges who believe it’s okay to get out the callous remover paddle and go to town on their heels at a baseball game or the local swimming pool. So far, no networks or even local television stations have expressed an interest but I will not back down and pledge to be even more valiant in my efforts to get these PSA’s launched.
I hope my list has inspired you to embrace the goodness in your life and to continue on with all the things that you’re already doing right. Happy 2014.
Snarky in the Suburbs 