I’m F’ing With Your Kid’s Halloween and I Couldn’t Be Happier

Sometimes people ask if they can “guesPicture 3t blog” on my site. This mother after reading Hold On Halloween I’m Coming to Save You requested an opportunity to comment on the other side of the Halloween story. Please note the views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the “author” and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Snarky in the Suburbs. In fact Snarky thinks the author needs to relax and eat a Cinnabon.

As a gluten-free, organic, bio dynamic, carbon neutral, free trade, raw vegan with fruitarian leanings I already know you hate me and I couldn’t care less because I’m going to live longer than you, much longer. Why? Because I don’t eat the crap you do and that means I forgo using classic enabling techniques, such as I’m “celebrating a holiday or special occasion” to make excuses for shoveling a backhoe of cookie dough down my esophagus. Let’s get this point straight October 31 is not a holiday or special occasion unless you practice the dark arts and I’m pretty sure those rituals don’t involve a 12 pack of Reese Peanut Butter Cups. Halloween is one thing and one thing only – a sugar fueled festival of greed, gluttony and sloth. How any mother could be pro Halloween is beyond me. It’s like saying, “I hate my kids and I want them to die from early onset cardiovascular disease and complications from stage 2 Diabetes one snack size Snickers bar at a time.”

Wake up moms! By loving Halloween you are an instrument of death. I despise all of you starting with the “butter mothers” with their thighs rubbing together, their lips glossy from the left over marshmallow residue of a pumpkin Peep and their triple layers of ab fat fighting for a way out of the tummy control panel of their J Jill lycra enrich jeans like two brothers brawling over a X Box game controller. These moms can be seen on party day joyfully hoisting a tray over burdened with devil food Halloween cupcakes that not only have a gravy ladle of icing on each one but then give the middle finger to nutrition by dipping Nutter Butter cookies in white almond bark and placing one on top of each cupcake to resemble a ghost!

Good God, why don’t you just smother the kids by placing their heads in a vat of frosting until they experience death by asphyxiation. At least the butter mothers are honest. Their squishy rolls of jiggly back fat are a testament that they eat the death they merrily foist on our children. The worst are the Cross Fit maniacs, the marathoners and the yoga/pilate/fitness fusion hypocrites.

They bounce into the classroom on their $150 Adidas Energy Boost sneakers doing arm curls with a plastic platter of pumpkin shaped sugar cookies, vampire brownies, and Cocoa Kripsy squares all from the Crack House of bakeries – Walmart –  because their too busy romancing their body mass index to actually attempt to create anything from scratch. While one hand is holding the non recyclable, VOC off gassing, plastic offering of sugar, partially hydrogenated oil, high fructose corn syrup solids, animal fat and sodium, the other one is clutching a half-gallon water bottle or adjusting their thong. Yet, what they cheerfully serve to children they would never swallow themselves because they don’t want to move up a size in their Spanx. They poison the most defenseless among us, our children, and abstain only due to vanity. For these mothers I harbor the heftiest scorn.

Because so many mothers are either too lazy or lacking in maternal love, that they willingly pollute our children’s bodies if not their very souls, I’ve had to step up and make the righteous, healthy choice for all of us by staging a Halloween Intervention. My campaign is focused on the elementary school. Yes, I proudly stand before you today as the reason no more sugary based “treats” are being served at school parties. I started slowly and first used my influence to phase in having a variety of healthy food choices at the class celebrations. Then I went full frontal foodie and got chocolate banned from the school.

After those victories I redoubled my efforts and engaged in hand-to-hand combat with sugar, wheat and dairy and before you could say trick-or-treat I had rendered any sustenance that didn’t make the Harvard School of Public Health’s Top Ten Super Foods list person non gratia. Say hello to a school party featuring yummy raspberries, blueberries, brussel sprouts, broccoli, garlic and kale.

Does this list horrify you? Does it make you uncomfortable? It should because while you advocate slowly killing your kid with a smorgasbord of refined sugar and white flour I champion the likes of kale! A cup of which provides 460 percent of your daily vitamin K, 74 percent of your vitamin A and 107 percent of your vitamin C.

Go ahead and call me a kill, or if you like a kale, joy and throw around your weak excuses that it’s only one day a year, that kids need a chance to be kids or the most laughable that if you don’t let your kids have sugar every now and then they’ll binge on it as soon as your back is turned. Yeah right, well if you use that logic then maybe we should let our children have some cocaine or heroin from time to time just to make sure they don’t one day go nose up and needle in.

My victory isn’t complete yet. I’m steadily working towards my goal of having zero food at any party and replacing the kids sitting on their asses doing lame arts and crafts (using non-sustainable crayons that I just know were not made with low impact dyes) with strenuous exercise. Why can’t Halloween or Valentine’s Day be celebrated with a jog-a-thon and a fitness obstacle course with coconut water for all? Why must every party be food related?

I know to some people I look weak and sickly like a white asparagus stalk that was boiled in water too long and yes my kids are extremely thin and so pale if you look at them in direct sunlight you can make out their central nervous system. I’ll admit they do miss a lot of school, but it’s not their fault. Their virgin immune system is constantly threatened and compromised by the onslaught of environmental filth being flung their way via the cesspool of the American lifestyle.

My profound and everlasting love for my three children is primarily why I’m staging the Halloween Intervention and just you wait next on my list is the Winter party in December. Guess what moms?  I’ve convinced the principal to make it a snowflake party with an ice crystal theme. You know what that means – no food – only frozen water! I call that me W-I-N-N-I-N-G!

**For more Snarky check out my book  Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. 

Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. 

To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.

 

51 thoughts on “I’m F’ing With Your Kid’s Halloween and I Couldn’t Be Happier

  1. AM~Erica Says So says:

    This is sad. It’s not that we wouldn’t like her because of what she does or doesn’t eat…it’s her anger toward everyone else for not being like her! WOW!!! Halloween is my favorite. And it’s beyond just sugar. There’s a lot of fun & good-for-you stuffs to snack on, too. Oh…and we do things in moderation. The Halloween candy lasts us until the Christmas candy & treats arrive. And, yes, I said CHRISTMAS candy & treats.

    There’s nothing wrong with serving up a pumpkin hummus (not that I’ve made it, but I might try it now) with the troll thumbs (aka – baby carrots). And it only comes once a year. And it’s fun. And it’s not all about celebrating “dark arts” to eat the yummies. If you don’t want to eat the deliciousness…then don’t. If you want to take that moment of fun away from your own children, that’s up to you. But don’t come down on everyone else in such anger that we are all dying! We are all gonna die someday. Period. And if I can’t enjoy the life while I’m alive…then screw it!

    Because I love a lot more about Halloween than just the candy & sweets! They help, but that’s not all of it. It’s the decor, the costumes, the music, the movies, the creativity…

    Quick! Hand me a cinn-a-bon!!

  2. crazycraftmom says:

    Please please tell me this is a joke??? OMG if it isn’t then that mom needs to get a clue!! Suggesting that moms who don’t make rabbit food from scratch for their kids every day lack maternal love for them??? SERIOUSLY??? Wow. And no chick your kids aren’t sick because they are exposed to stuff, they are aick because the food you give them is not a full well balanced diet. Crazy woman. Pale thin and sickly looking is NOT a good thing!! Wow.

  3. Cathy says:

    I love Halloween and will let my kids trick or treat till they just don’t want to anymore, or I get too cold and turn into a 2 year old whiny baby. They’re healthy weight and active so they can just keep on their normal cycle. Cray-Cray went to the school and claimed her kid was allergic to cocoa beans just to do it…. ? Well my healthy weight kids not dying of cardiovascular disease and thighs rubbing together aren’t lying to my kids school so while we aren’t the healthiest bunch a strait jacket and vial of pills aren’t in my future

  4. Lila loves Halloween says:

    How sad, so full of anger that she feels the need to ruin others’ happiness and fun because they don’t think the way she does. I wonder if she’s my SIL? The payback for her is that not only will her kids be embarrassed by having a Nazi-mom who ruins their friends’ fun in addition to theirs, they’ll be leaving home asap! (My nieces had to hide candy and went wild away from home.) Living longer may be her goal but it’ll be pretty lonely! Oh yeah, I had mini-cinnamon buns for breakfast…wait for it…and BACON!

  5. Debbie says:

    I’m sorry, I will live longer and look better because I am full of preservatives. Enjoy your pencil as a party favor. I worship the snickers.

  6. Sophia Gonzales says:

    Of course Snarky wrote this! It’s too delicious not to be her and anyone who’s read more than one blog post or her book would realize it’s her voice coming through in all it’s sarcastic glory! Well done Snarks, well done.

  7. Neeley says:

    I’m so tired of people associating the ritual of dressing up and trick or treating with the dark arts, witch craft, etc. If I’m not mistaken, Halloween began as a Christian event that entailed dressing up like ghouls and goblins to protect themselves from the evil spirits that roam the earth and were in high activity around that time frame. Geesh people, get over yourselves and let your kids have some fun!

  8. Connie McReynolds says:

    You had me at “gluten free, organic, bio dynamic, carbon neutral, free trade, raw vegan with fruitarian leanings.” OMG I am still laughing.

  9. Heather says:

    Well Darn Snarky you had me going!!! I am the butter lovin momma and I was getting steadily pissed off LOL! Thanks for making my day!

  10. Debbie says:

    threaten to take away our snickers and you get our thighs all clapping together (like they don’t already anyway). I was ready to light a torch and pass out pitchforks… but then I would just probably make s’mores… I get distracted like that.
    Well played, Snarky, well played.

  11. Heather J. says:

    Best sentence, ever. Coffee all over my screen.
    “Let’s get this point straight October 31 is not a holiday or special occasion unless you practice the dark arts and I’m pretty sure those rituals don’t involve a 12 pack of Reese Peanut Butter Cups.”

  12. Marci Wise-Ungar says:

    First and foremost she can’t spell Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups properly (“Reece” – really?!?!?! Do you not watch the ads on TV… or walk through a check-out line at the grocery store and not look left or right cuz girl they ARE there!!!) From then on it’s just O. M. G.!!!!!

  13. Danell O says:

    I appreciate your thought, author, and very eloquent way of stating your opinion, I would remind you that Halloween comes once a year. What is life if we don’t enjoy all the facets of it at least once in a while. I strive to meet your standards of clean living and excersize for myself and my children 364 days a year. Give me my Halloween joy for 24 hours out of 8,760! Laugh and bond with your children in the sugar induced high and then run around like crazy burning off the excessive energy. They will appreciate the clean living more when they wake up from their sugar induced coma.

  14. Jo says:

    I actually know a Mom who posts a sign on her candy bowl in her house that says only one piece a day. Her kids are pale, super skinny and sickly. Her kids check their pee to see what color it is to make sure they haven’t had too much sugar and are properly hydrated.

  15. SharingMom says:

    This was a great post and I have shared it on fb. Obviously a satire but also laced with truth. We do feed kids a bunch of crap…all the time (there are always parties going on around here…). Great “food for thought”…

  16. Ida Northcott says:

    I have to tell you that you had me going for most of this. I was properly horrified by her boasting that she would outlive us “Butter thighs”. I cursed her to get hit by an ice cream truck (see I can pretend to practice the dark arts!). Glad to know that the curse isn’t needed. I’d hate for an ice cream truck to be out of service due to running over a health nut.

  17. Brandy Lukins Bright says:

    1. It DOES require a truckload of Reese Cups…the ones shaped like pumpkins if at all possible.
    2. As a food allergy mom, and a mom in general, I’m actually thrilled with our school’s rules on treats in the class. 25 kids = 25 birthdays = 25 cupcakes = roughly three school days a month of sugar-hyped kids AND I DIDN’T GET ONE G.D. CUPCAKE!
    3. Please refrain from having folks “invent food allergies” for a laugh. Those with food allergies are suffering at best from misunderstandings of those around them nearly every day, and at worst they are getting bullied. It’s a shame, but it’s true. Especially in school when kids just want to fit in. I’m sure this would have been just as funny without that sentence! 🙂

  18. Kristen says:

    Well done, Snarky! You had me going. Too bad your readers are so smart, too. I was expecting a few judgmental, over-the-top comments to make me smile…. Another day perhaps! 🙂

  19. Jolie says:

    I think Reese’s will be on my breath as I pass on. You can have the other cup if you can pry it from my cold dead hand. Just sayin’ 🙂

  20. Chelsea says:

    I think she needs to stick her head in a vat of frosting and calm down. You lady are a Judgemental Judy. I hope you don’t choke on a carrot stick. Butter Mothers must stick together…like our thighs!!!!

  21. Minka says:

    You know what they say about butter thighs–easier for the husband to slip in between them, lol;) And I’m sweeter to kiss, too, because I’m full of sugar!

  22. Kathy says:

    Oh my gosh, I enjoyed reading this satire while eating from a bag of Riece’s Pieces and washing it down with a diet coke!

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