Dear Half Wits

1150959_736793909683398_767698524_nThis is in response to the more than 147 and counting lame emails I have received about the post I wrote about Miley Cyrus. My biggest take away after reading all of the less than delightful correspondence is that most, if not all, of these cerebral cortex challenged folks would struggle to pass a fourth grade reading comprehension and retention test. It’s as if they only saw one sentence in my post. This one – To this I say Miley Cyrus is not the problem – you, the mother, are. Did they read beyond this? Apparently not, because most of the emails were from beyond pissed off moms giving me a beat down for “blaming mothers” for Miley’s “People of Walmart” choreographed VMA number.

Here’s the problem with that assertion – I was not blaming mothers for Miley’s performance. I was, most definitely, taking moms to task for thinking Miley was ever a role model and for all the wailing and moaning on the internet about how Cyrus shouldn’t have been working that foam finger like a woman with a stage 4 yeast infection because “kids look up to her” due to her Disney Channel lineage. One mom even shared that “girls will see what Miley did and think that’s appropriate behavior”. What the hell kind of daughter are you raising if she’s that lacking in self-esteem or I don’t know an independent thought process that she believes just because a celebrity does something it’s okay for her to do it too? Note to all you moms that shared similar lines of “reasoning” with me – don’t ever let your kid near an US magazine or the E channel. Basically you need to go off the grid. I’m talking stone age period, off the grid if you have a daughter this impressionable.

Also annoying the emails about how Miley was cheated out of her childhood by big bad Disney and now she’s acting out. I get that. What I don’t get were the emails that imagined her childhood would have been some sort of mystical, magical place with free range unicorns. Childhood can suck. Let’s be honest Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus aren’t exactly two of the brightest bulbs in the chandelier. They can’t even figure out how to get a divorce. I imagine Miley’s non celebrity adolescent and teen years wouldn’t have been full of idyllic horseback rides and praying around the campfire while making s’mores. The more likely scenario is teen Miley hanging out at the mall and getting it on in the hallway between the Food Court and the custodian storage closet while clutching a Forever 21 bag full of 2 for 1 thongs. So, yes she had a lot of adult responsibility on her very young shoulders but she’s now a very wealthy young woman who could, if she so chooses, go to the college of her choice.

Most annoying were the naive emails refuting my claim that Miley’s performance was a calculated business decision. Are you kidding me?! I’m sure the Harvard Business school will be teaching “Pulling a Miley” as one of the top 20 entertainment strategies of the early 21st century. I’d bet my limited edition Best of Both Worlds concert T-shirt that right now in Los Angles a team of agents is already counseling upcoming Disney Channel actors/actresses on the 7 steps to stardom. 1) Get a reoccurring role on a Disney Channel show. 2) Parlay that to a starring role on a newly created Disney show. 3) Sing the theme song to new show. 4) Release an album. 5) Star in made for TV Disney Channel movie. 6) Leave the confines of the Disney brand to segue to movies. 7) Movies do only okay so reignite singing career by “pulling a Miley” to get international attention. I have no doubt that at least one of the Jonas brothers is giving serious consideration to “Pulling a Miley.”

My very, very favorite emails were the ones that called me a hater and assumed I didn’t have children because “only someone who wasn’t a mother” could write what I did. I was chided for not having any real life experience with child rearing and one person said “God was smart enough to not bless me with a baby.” I wanted to share that I was blessed twice but where’s the fun in that? So I responded that yes, they were correct. I live alone in a studio apartment with my three cats, Demi, Selena and Miley. They are all the children I will ever need.

***For all things wonderfully Snarky go to where you can find the new Spring/Summer  Snarky line of clothing and accessories. Plus, there’s my book – Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. (Click here for purchase information.) Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.

36 thoughts on “Dear Half Wits

  1. Suzanne says:

    OMG! I’m just pissed that I didn’t respond to your first post that YES YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING!

    Total calculated risk on Team Miley and getting people to talk about her. Hello? Remember when Madonna got all kinds of flack for her “Like a Prayer” video or when she kissed Britney Spears on some other video awards show? Big Scandal! Avert Your Eyes Children! Blah, Blah, Blah. Both of them are laughing all the way to the bank. So will Team Miley. Who cares? Don’t let your kids download the song, video, or turn of the fricking TV!

    And yes, moms. You too can not allow your kids to watch THAT show. Or perhaps watch it with them and then discuss YOUR FEELINGS about HER performance. You might even be surprised that YOUR KID feels exactly the same way. Could this be the “teachable moment” you’ve been waiting for?

    Sheesh! Take some fricking responsibility in the parent department and stop whining! The world will not end because of Miley’s ridiculous but oh-so-real attention grabbing performance. Something else HORRIBLE will happen next Tuesday and we can then start talking about THAT.

  2. Jennifer Holbert says:

    You have to be my long lost twin or something. I bow my head in total appreciation of both snark and wordsmithing.

  3. Lisabella says:

    Dear Snarky,
    I think you are freakin’ snarktastic!! I loved this post and the original about Miley even more. I don’t have kids but if I did you can be sure that their role models wouldn’t be celebrities. You’re wonderful and don’t pay any mind to readers who cannot appreciate your delicious sarcasm. They just need a box of wine!

  4. Nichole says:

    This comment: “God was smart enough to not bless me with a baby.” Is hypocritical and mean. How can someone say something like that? I swear some ppl should wear a shock device so whenever they say something stupid they get a little jolt. This irritates me so much I can’t put into words. Ugh. Sorry for the rant.

  5. Elena Cruz Cunnings says:

    I think she made people feel stupid for ever liking her. So people are in a way angry with themselves for being so naive. What I did think backfired on her is that she thinks she is sexy and honestly no one wants to see Miley twerking, or gyrating or anything else. She just isn’t cute enough and I think that’s why she left the VMAs early.

    Elena Sent from my iPhone

  6. Angela says:

    If I had raised a child stupid enough to regard any TV/movie figure as some one to look up to and admire, I say that I had seriously failed as a parent.

    But, what the heck, I only have eight children, so what do I know?

    Good job, Snarky.

  7. Linda Chandler LaFever says:

    Best line I’ve heard through this entire bruhaha. I still haven’t watched the video of it but from what I understand I might get sympathy tongue cramps. So, to avoid scaring the children, the cats and the dog I’ve just learned to dress in a closet.

    • virginiallorca says:

      I had such a similar thought. Wandering around Nordstrom looking for the dairy case. I went after someone who was 100% focused on Miley “appropriating black culture”. Apparently twerking is under copyright. And actually, she was parodying twerking. She really didn’t put enough grind into it. I am sure that was a conscious moral decision made after discussions with her handlers and parents.
      We should know by now that the crazies are all out there and we are bound to run into one every now and then. In fact, I may be one. Just about different stuff.

  8. Paige says:

    You know what your problem is? … Your sentences are too long. And your words are too big ….you know — words with more than two syllables.

    Your delightful compound-complex sentence structure, sprinkled with a succession of gut-busting modifying phrases, employing words like “assertion” and “lineage”, is just TOO MUCH for these folks to take in . . . and actually COMPREHEND. Yes, you’ve nailed it again, Snarky …. THAT’S where you’re losing the 4th grade-dropout-parent-of-nine demographic. Oh, they READ IT. They just don’t have a F’ing clue what it ACTUALLY SAYS….

    I know their type…. I get all nine of their little “blessings” sitting in my English class, twelve straight years in a row (I say “twelve” because at least three of them are gonna repeat the course. Several times.) And these are the kids who spend all ten months of school with their hands, and their eyes, in their crotch (just like Role Model Miley! Yay!), where they think their cell phone is invisible to me, fifteen feet away….

    And, just like their parents, these half-wit “blessings” never learn to read compound-complex sentences, sprinkled with a succession of gut-busting modifying phrases and employing big words with three syllables or more. But they DO go on to have little “blessings” of their own…. all with Cerebral Cortex Deficiency Syndrome. All of them ready to idolize the next shallow figure the entertainment industry pushes to the forefront.

    Love, love “Dear Half-Wits” !!! …… But I wonder …… Will they even be able to understand what it says…?? I mean, you went and used the word “impressionable” for Pete’s sake. . . do you KNOW HOW MANY SYLLABLES THAT ONE HAS….???


  9. Laurel Isaak says:

    Ok, so I have this friend. She has a fantastic daughter who attends a prestigious performing arts school in our city. Her daughter has kept some of her friends from her previous school though and was invited to a party where the parents were to be in attendance. Her daughter called her from the party to pick her up because the kids were drinking and smoking pot! My friend confronted the Mom of the friend. The reply? “Well, they wanted it so we got it for them!” WOW!!! You see that is the kind of parenting the folks who are accusing you of not being blessed with children are most likely doing! By the way, if you are reading this and you don’t see a problem with providing a teenage child with pot because they wanted it, you would certainly not hold your child accountable for making good decisions about who is and isn’t a good role model! How about this… ask your child about the problem in Syria right now and what they feel would be a good solution and to what extent the US should be involved. If your child has no idea what your are talking about, it’s time to change the channel!

  10. Cathleen says:

    While I have enjoyed reading your snarky thoughts in the past, this might be it for me. I find it interesting that you are offended by the rude email responses to include name calling yet you inspire that very thing with every blog and post you write…thus your header “Dear Half-Wits”. Often in life, you “get what you give”. Your original blog post was condescending towards Moms who took issue with the Miley Cyrus performance because of the impression it left on their daughters and now you take issue with the responses you received to your rude blog? I am not sure how old your children are and I am delighted they think for themselves and have strong self-esteem. Enough so that they would never, ever imitate a performer they once idolized and recognize right off when the artist was making “bad choices”. Some parents are not so fortunate and hopefully you will one day understand, that is not always a sign of failure of the parent. There are parents in the world doing everything possible to bring their child around to his or her senses and help them understand right from wrong and impress upon them the difference between a ridiculous TV stunt and real-life. I watched the VMA’s with my teenage daughter and was lucky enough to see her recoil with disgust when Miley started in on the foam finger. She actually talked more about the N’Sync reunion than anything else! However I am empathetic enough to understand how some Mom’s out there must have felt… if they are already struggling with daughters “on the edge” who looked at Miley as inspiration for their next school dance performance… and I cringed for them. Just something to think about. We’re not perfect, none of us. We all struggle. And perhaps instead of ridiculing and antagonizing…a little compassion would be nice. Ahhh… but then you might not get readership? So maybe the Harvard business school might also discuss “pulling a snarky”? In that case, well done.

    • Moving Right Along... says:

      I’m sorry, Cathleen, but you seem to be a little lost…. or do you always show up at the grocery store and demand to see the latest in women’s evening wear….??

      The title of this blog is, “Snarky in the Suburbs” ….. “Snarky” being the key word, here. You’ve come to the well of Snark; and you complain that you’re not being served a glass of reverent, serious, sympathetic bits of inspiration and psychological counseling on the topic of child rearing and motherhood?? I’m sure there are any number of SERIOUS blogs out there devoted to those issues…. though obviously you and others haven’t been reading THOSE or you’d already know that YES, if Miley Cirus is, or ever WAS, your and your daughter’s idea of a ‘good’ idol…. you’ve already screwed up.

      Role models are people who DO things with their lives that exemplify integrity, courage in the face of adversity, helping those less fortunate than themselves, and giving back more than they take. . . FEW if ANY celebrities fit this category… except maybe Bono. And he’s not exactly teenage girl role model material….. No, our daughters should be exposed, either directly or indirectly, to people who actually DO something more than just being ‘famous’ …. whether it’s for their music or comedic timing… Fame is NOT something to idolize and serve as a role model.

      If Miley Cirus plays such an important role in a young girl’s life, that her performance this week is going to have a severe negative impact on that girl’s life, Snarky is right… that child has been spiritually abandoned for a while by her mom, dad, or guardian… And like it or not, THAT IS THE FAULT OF THE MOM, DAD OR GUARDIAN. Our society is rotting to the core because of parents who won’t take responsibility for molding their children in the way that is needed for a psychologically healthy, successful child… too many parents who just want to be BFF’s with their kids, taking them to concerts and buying them all the electronics they can possibly afford… and then abandoning them to those electronics to be raised by T.V shows, games, movies, and music….

      Now, perhaps it’s time you went out and found that department store you’re looking for that actually carries evening gowns (or a dry, serious blog about child rearing and possible scapegoats for parents who make bad choices). . . cause this ain’t that place.

      • Coco says:

        Oh come on, I think her response was, like I said below, thoughtful. Yes, snarky means snarky and not sugary sweet, but does it also mean that Snarky herself can’t be questioned or challenged without someone being called a prude and telling her to just go away and find someone else to pick on? Just because the one who dares to talk back happens to be sympathetic to people in a difficult place in life? Since when have any of us gotten this parenting thing down just-right, nail-on-the-head perfect? Cathleen’s just trying to understand where others are coming from and she’s trying not to be a mom-basher. There are gracious plenty moms (and dads) out there who have worked their asses off to raise their kids as best as they could figure out how and their kid turns out to be an asshole. No matter how much we do to raise our kids and how good we are at it and how good we think we are at it, we do not actually control the outcome. There’s a lot more at play than our piety and good intentions.

        And besides, in my opinion, society’s ills are everyone’s fault and everyone’s responsibility to clean up. We didn’t arrive to this point in our sometimes-cruddy society independently of you and me. We are all one in our society, no matter how much we want separate ourselves from having any part of what’s going on. We got where we are because of decisions we’ve made- or have allowed to be made. Standing around saying “I didn’t do it- it’s not my fault” is just counterproductive. We’re a fantastic bunch and we’re a mess at the same time. We love Bono but want nothing to do with Miley. Yet it’s all part of the same package, it’s all right there in front of us and our kids, and damn it, I don’t think it’s right to lay claim to the good stuff and act like we have nothing to do with the bad stuff.

    • Coco says:

      This is a very thoughtful response. You are right that it’s not always a matter of having raised our children well, because no matter what we teach them, their peers will at times have a far greater influence on their decisions than we do. And, unless they are secluded from society, all these kids will come to some conclusion or another amongst themselves and all we can do is keep trying to raise them right and pitching our take on things, hoping to keep the common sense alive inside them.

      If I had read your comment before I made my own (below), I would not have been so “us and them” in my response. I do feel that motherhood is underestimated and undervalued in society and that mothers buy into the crap info that keeps them feeling weak because they are female, thereby leaving someone who, in reality, ought to be an equal partner, always getting the small half of the middle.

    • Kristen Smith says:

      Some parents are not so “fortunate”? So, parental responsibility is something only for the lucky? Well, I guess I’m the luckiest mom around. At least I’ve got that going for me.

      • Paige says:

        Why yes, Kristen, didn’t you know..?? Having a child who is well grounded, hard-working, and who not only respects others but has a little self-respect as well, is no longer something that is instilled in them by their parents. It’s all just one big crap shoot, now. . . .

        And those kids who do turn out good, well balanced, productive members of society aren’t a reflection of parents who consistently instilled a set of values and expectations in them everyday… they’re just the LUCK OF THE DRAW.

        It wouldn’t be politically correct to actually point out that some parents are doing a really crappy job…. cause everyone’s supposed to be ‘equal’ and all that stuff.

        Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say that out loud…? .

      • Coco says:

        I think that “fortunate” is a nice way of saying educated and in the company of other educated people- such as being in a pretty good, safe environment (school, neighborhood, etc.), along with being in decent- or even passable- economical shape. Of course, we can see all around us that education and money don’t necessarily go hand in hand with kindness or common sense…

        In any case, I think that Cathleen is saying that some parents (like us) have very real advantages over those who are trying their damnedest to raise kids in a difficult environment- in the projects, say, or while both parents are working two and three jobs just to get by, while seeing a lot less of their own children than you and I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that some of us are struggling economically, but the fact is, that if we are here at this site, we can be broke as broke gets, but we’ll never be in the impoverished, truly unfortunate situation that some parents are in. It IS unfortunate for them and it IS more difficult to raise your children in that kind of life.

        Of course I realize that those of us who always make better decisions than everyone else are going to say that if your life is like that, you should never have had children (I mean, had sex) in the first place. I mean, if you can’t handle the responsibility and all.

  11. Coco says:

    Good responses- I hope the offenders are listening. But wait, Snarky is the offender- I just remembered that.

    Good god, I wish moms would have some backbone and some self-confidence. The confident, back-boned moms like you and me really get ragged on when moms with this delicate constitution situation get any kind of a slap upside the head from us.

    It’s part of the “keep women in their place” attitude, I think, that idolizes this sweet little picture of mothers and her sweet little innocent children, making Mom and her kids out to be half-wits who are susceptible to any little evil so we must protect and revere them in their safe, innocent bubble.

  12. Algernon says:

    Love those 7 steps to stardom, Disney-style. Nobody in the world of showbiz (or its close cousin, the sports world) is automatically a role model. Even the regular, non-famous folks who lead good lives occasionally screw up and make bad choices. Famous folks just get to make lots and lots of money while they’re screwing up. Speaking of cash, someone’s going to make a killing from Miley-themed Halloween costumes this year. I’m ordering a furry leotard for my party, which will feature a Build a Bear Workshop from hell.

  13. Alexandra Rosas says:

    Why does it feel like far too long since I read a blog post I could sink my teeth into? This was perfect, thank you, much satisfied, especially with the level 4 yeast infection visualization.

  14. Kristina Charles says:

    I follow you because you have a brain, can write well, and are clearly well-informed. Since I am a mother of four, and your haters think that a mother could neither write an opinion as you did nor agree with it, that makes me more right than they are by sheer number of children. Chances are they didn’t read past what they wanted to, and their reading competency/analysis skills are not up to par. I say bravo.

  15. LibrarianMom says:

    I do love Snarky and I agree with her 100% on this. (Disclaimer – I haven’t seen but 30 seconds of Miley’s performance – mainly because I have better things to do with my time). The fact is, the world does not revolve anyone in particular. And to get mad at the world because it is what it is, because it’s not what we think it SHOULD be, is self-absorption and narcissism on a self-destructive scale. (How DARE that dog snap at my child when my child tried to take it’s bone away! How DARE Miley do what 90% of child actresses/princesses do when they finally get a little freedom!) There are things in this world that I don’t want my child to see, but when he does – I explain about things like choices and OUR values. Most of all, we talk about what we expect of him. And yes, I use the “I expect you to be better than that” as well as the “I’m your mother, not his/hers.” Blindfolding and keeping kids locked up in castles isn’t protecting them, it’s (IMO) stunting their growth. Thanks Starky!

    • Paige says:

      “Blindfolding and keeping kids locked up in castles isn’t protecting them, it’s stunting their growth.” ……. excellent point…!!

      “Prepare the child for the path ahead; not the path ahead for the child.”

  16. Kristen Smith says:

    Thank you, Snarky, for a great blog. It’s time for people to understand the difference between characters and actors and make sure their kids understand that, too. Disney has been a disgusting mess for years, pandering to the lowest common denominator and then we plunk our kids down in front of that crap and cry foul when we take the time to actually watch it for ourselves and see what’s being spoonfed to the kids. Miley Cyrus was just upping the Cheetah Girls a little. Or your local cheer squad, whatever. Love love love your stuff!! AND I love that the morons who sent you hate mail actually read your stuff, too. Because your stuff is my stuff, down to the punctuation, baby. I just sit in the bleachers or the meetings and put up with their nannering away about infinitesimal blather while their kids are rude beyond redemption. Meanwhile, YOU tell it like it is. Does that bother them? GOOD! Because SOMEBODY needs to knock a little sense in these idiots. They need to watch Willy Wonka cuz I’ll bet their little heathens would never make it past the Oompa Loompas.

  17. Grace Alexander says:

    The entire acts from the foam finger to the flesh colored undies was ripped from Thicke’s disgusting, misogynistic and adult eyes only music video “Blurred Lines” that I only managed to watch a skimmed 15 seconds of. I think it’s pathetic that Miley is styled a slut, a skank and a whore while Thicke is the one impregnating girls left and right, paying them off to have abortions, and singing songs that encourage using women like tissue. What does it teach young girls when their mommies are saying such nasty things about another female? Maybe you don’t want your kid to do what Miley did – news flash, teach them not to. I mean, I don’t really worry about my teenager watching a movie about a serial killer, because I’m pretty sure I raised them not to idolize and emulate serial killers. FFS.

  18. Amy Deckman says:

    YOU GO SNARKY! And for the record, I read every word of your original Miley post out loud to my friend in the car and we roared with laughter. Thank you for keeping it real!!!

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