Summer Servings of Snarky
I feel guilty. I haven’t written a new Snarky in a very long time. Blame it on having kids home 24/7 which means I’m cleaning my kitchen at least four times a day, my book writing or perhaps, most accurately, my sheer laziness. To remedy this I will attempt to do at least two Summer Servings of Snarky a week. And by this I mean they’ll be shorter Snarks as I must keep focused on my book and I don’t have the brain power/energy to write my usual long-winded diatribes. I am though working and by that I mean thinking about possibly writing very soon the whole revenge epic that I mentioned on Facebook back in May when someone(s) dissed my husband. That’s my job and I don’t take kindly to people stepping in to do it for me. But for right now enjoy this little Summer Snark on the outdoor kitchen
The Outdoor Kitchen – Why?
There’s a lot of home building and decorating trends I don’t get but none more so than the outdoor kitchen. I know it’s absolutely none of my business if anyone wants to turn his or her backyard into a kitchen but why would anyone want a kitchen outside? Sure, I get the whole concept of grilling because you’re not going to marinate charcoal briquettes with lighter fluid and toss a match on that fire hazard in arms reach of your Kitchen Aid mixer you got with Kohl’s cash and a manufactures coupon. But the other stuff; the sinks, the cabinets, the dishwasher, frig, and pizza oven (Seriously a pizza oven. WTH?)) all outside makes no sense to me. First and foremost, two kitchens means one more kitchen you have to clean. Who wants that? Not me! Secondly, and here’s the thing that really confuses me why do you want an outdoor kitchen when your inside one is a mere hop, skip and a jump from the deck that’s housing your outdoor clone.
I went to a party last weekend and the host had an outdoor kitchen. It was a mere 26 steps away from their indoor kitchen. The party was held outside and the weather was not being very hospitable. It was hot, humid, muggy and buggy and yet we were all herded into the heat so we could “enjoy the new kitchen.” Guests (okay mostly me) kept sneaking inside to grab some A/C until the hostess would spot us and shoo us back outside. At one point I was so hot and uncomfortable I resorted to camping out in their guest bathroom. Luckily, there were six back issues of Southern Living in a wicker basket next to the toilet so I was able to catch up my recipe reading. I will say that the Salmon Tostadas with Zucchini-Radish Slaw sounded like the Southern Living Test Kitchen was stealing recipes from it’s sister publication Coastal Living. Now, it they had put the salmon in a biscuit then deep-fried it I would have been more on board. I was perfectly content hanging out in the bathroom but my husband knocked on the door after about 30 minutes and told me “people were beginning to ask where I was”. Reluctantly, I was forced to leave my little A/C perch and rejoin the rest of the sweaty guests being blasted by the heat of the pizza oven and massaging themselves with Deep Woods Off towelettes.
What’s with the fascination with eating and cooking outside anyway? I’ve never even liked picnics. True, I’m from Texas and no one can picnic in any 268,000 miles of the state because of the evil, stinging insect known as the Fire Ant that can take down a herd of cattle in 30 minutes or less. You never, ever sit on the ground in Texas because death or injury by Fire Ant is a very real possibility. Even eating at the beach is overrated. No matter what the weather conditions you always end up with a side of sand. Just think of how hard our ancestors worked so they could partake of nourishment nestled inside a somewhat climate controlled environment. When our cave dwelling brethren discovered fire they quickly moved that bad boy inferno as close to the entrance of the cave as possible to avoid having to cook their succulent, feces encrusted Wooly Mammoth with a poison ivy juice reduction in the great outdoors.
So why now is an outdoor kitchen the newest must have? Isn’t it a move backwards? Shouldn’t we be evolving as a civilization and striving to improve? I’m all for campfires and anything else that can be used to make s’mores, but once you put a pizza oven and a Sub Zero frig in your backyard you’ve kind of lost me. You know except if you could use the pizza oven for s’mores then I’ll be over.
***For all things wonderfully Snarky go to www.snarkygear.com where you can find the new Spring/Summer Snarky line of clothing and accessories. Plus, there’s my book – Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. (Click here for purchase information.) Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good. Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival. If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.