5 Awards You Wish Your School Gave 2013 Edition

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Are you still recovering from the 3rd grade awards program at your kid’s school? Did the certificate for child “most likely to burst into a glitter ball” (real award – not making this up) cause you to slide right off your sticky folding chair and slither to the linoleum cafeteria floor in a weary heap? Well, buck up sister because I’ve got one more list of awards for you and these you just might like.

Selfie Mom This award is for all the moms who are on Instagram and see it as another way for them to continue their death grip on the fountain of youth by appearing cool. Oh sure, get all mad at me and insist you’re only on Instagram to stalk your child. I’ll totally buy that theory if you have never, not once, posted a “selfie” while making a “duck face.” Any uterus housing life form over the age of 18 that litters the digital atmosphere with pictures of herself pursing her lips in a duckish pout should be sentenced to 24 hours of sitting in the bleachers in a unairconditioned middle school gym listening to a continual loop of the sixth grade band playing selected songs from The Lord of the Rings. Remember dear mothers parenting is all about being selfless.

Room Mom from Hell Before I get into the specifics of this award let me share with you some advice that I hope you embrace and hold dear your child’s entire educational career. At the beginning of every new school year set yourself up with a Gmail account that is used solely for the purpose of communicating with your kid’s Room Mom. This keeps your personal email account free from being contaminated by the wants, needs, pleas and threats from the Room Mom. Now, some years you may have a delightful room mom experience, but there’s always the chance you could get the Room Mom from Hell. This mom uses email like a titanium battering ram ceaselessly sending out requests for money and “decent” volunteers. Thanks to Emily from Plano, Texas for sharing this email missive from her son’s second grade Room Mom.

“Parents when I sent out the request for volunteers for the last day of school party I meant I needed decent volunteers. Not you work moms who show up late, talk on your phone and then say you can’t help with anything because your White House Black Market suit might get dirty and you have a meeting you have to rush back to. Also, and I can’t believe I have to still say this in e-v-e-r-y email, but NO siblings are allowed. If you can’t afford a babysitter then DO NOT come. A lot of you have asked about the teacher’s gift and I’m standing by my decision that every family should contribute $50. WTH is all I have to say to those of you that have complained about the cost. Cut back on your Starbucks for a week and then get back to me. If you don’t want to contribute that’s fine but don’t expect your kid’s name to be on the card.”

All I can say is “Charmed, I’m sure.” I will add she did address some points that a lot of us may have once or twice muttered under our breath but good manners and kindness would prevent us from ever sending out our sentiments in a group email. Let’s all hope this Class Mom from Hell decides to not seek a second term and instead directs her hostilities towards another target like, say, the IRS.

Dadattitude This award is for the dad that one day decides he’s going to grace a PTA meeting with this presence and show the women folk how it’s done. He arrives at the meeting eager to share his business brilliance and makes lengthy comments about every item on the agenda. He glories in telling everyone assembled how “they’ve been doing it wrong” and goes into a 15 minute lecture on best business practices including non-profit OMB Circular A-133 Audits. To this dad I say please, for the love of God, sit down and shut up. Before you storm into a PTA meeting to inundate us with the wonder that is you I suggest you do three things. 1) Log some actual hands on volunteer time at the school. I recommend a tour of duty at the Fall Carnival and the Book Fair. 2) Contribute something besides your mouth to the PTA coffers and by that I mean would it kill your family to buy a roll of gift wrap? 3) Until I see you have mastered the school drop off lane and are not continually and flagrantly using your white Toyota Highlander to violate every safety and being a courteous human being rule on the books I will be most hesitant to listen to a word you say.

TMI Award We have become a nation of eager oversharers. Is it Facebooks fault? Are all conversations geared towards status updates? Or maybe we should blame Twitter. Are we now always trying to impress someone in short bursts of brag? Whatever the culprit I urge all of us to keep a little mystery in our lives especially the board members of the PTA at a suburban Maryland elementary school. These, I’m sure, dedicated volunteers, enjoyed using the school’s newsletter to share every aspect of their family life. Let’s take a lookie loo at Jennifer’s “Meet the PTA Executive Board” spotlight.

“Serving on  this board with so many talented women has truly been one of the highlights of my mom life. Although nothing could compare with giving birth to my twins Avery and Addison this past year. Who knew you could walk around with your cervix dilated to 5 centimeters and still run the Artworks Auction! Sorry for all of you who heard me yell, “OMG I think my mucus plug dropped out!” I’m so glad when my water broke it was in the gym and not the cafeteria. The kids all still tease me about peeing my pants.  LOL!”

To Jennifer and all the oversharers out there may I suggest that less is more.

Spanx Mom Every year I give an award for the worst mom outfit of the school year. This year it goes to the Spanx Mom. You can find this woman encased in Spanx at every school event. For the class parties it was the Slim Cognito Shape Suit. The school carnival found her in the Shaping Compression Knee Pant and for Field Day it’s the Body Booster Short. She looked liked a can of Pillsbury Cinnamon rolls right after you hit the tube in it’s sweet spot and all the doughy goodness does a peek a boo. To this mom I say be free. Let it all hang out and flap in the wind. No school function is worthy of Spanx. Give yourself the gift of a spandex/lycra/elastane/nylon free day. Rejoice in not caring that your booty looks lifted and your back fat smoothed. No fourth grade class cares that your secondary layer of stomach flab has, due to the magic of science and miracle fibers, been compressed into your back bone. You are strong. You are invincible. You are mom and you are Spanx free!