Dear Snarky – Don’t Fear the Swimsuit

swimsuit_season_1-03_largeDear Snarky,

I am dreading, no make that fearing, getting into a swimsuit this summer. I’m not huge, but I’m not what you call skinny either. I’ve got four kids, all elementary school age, and that means I’ll be living at the pool. Any advice for a mom that gets nauseous at the thought of putting on a swimsuit?

Signed, I Hate Summer!

Dear I Hate Summer,

Listen up  – DO NOT be the mom who spends her whole summer sitting in a lawn chair by the side of the pool in her capris and a XL T-shirt. You are better than that. Yes, it’s scary getting into a swimsuit, but I’m going to help you.

The first thing you need to do is go get yourself a Spanx like swim skirt with military grade tummy control. The swim skirt just might be the greatest single invention since lip gloss. Buy one size up so it’s longer and covers more of your dimpled thighs. You know, if you’ve got that problem.

Once you have your swimsuit and swim skirt on your next goal is to enter the pool quickly and stealthy, staying covered up as long as possible. This is where pool toys become your BFF. Grab a kick-board and use it as awesome ab flab or lower thigh camo as you proudly walk to the water. Also good, swim noodles, the more the merrier and the best, the giant inflatable. Trust me, no one is going to be looking at your love handles when they can gaze upon the wonder that is a six-foot Shamu.

Now, I know you’re still going to be self-conscious, but get over it. Every woman over the age of 30, even the size double zero mom with a chest that defies gravity, is less than happy about how their body looks in a swimsuit. People like you and me may be mortified by our thighs, while the double zero mom is obsessed with how her elbows are aging. I know of all the things to worry about the elbow.  I mean, really who cares about their elbow.

So, c’mon get in the water, have fun! Your kids don’t give a hoot about how their mom looks in a swimsuit. All they want is for you to be the Marco to their Polo

For a companion piece to this post read:’s-b-f-f-your-swimsuit-shopping-survival-guide/

Plus, there’s my book – Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School.  Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you.

5 thoughts on “Dear Snarky – Don’t Fear the Swimsuit

  1. Tammy says:

    Maybe it’s just me, but I’m usually so busy putting sunscreen on people and making sure no one drowns that I don’t even notice what other moms (and dads and untethered humans) look like in their swimsuits. I think a lot of this is that old, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what people thought about you if you knew how infrequently they did.” So I say, screw the blow-up toys. Just walk around the damn pool.

  2. monica says:

    If your in a public pool..seriously nobody cares. They are in their own world doing their thing. If they stare at you just say “Can I help you?” They stop immediately and are embarrassed they were caught starring. LOL. I’m on the heavy side and I dont give a rats butt what people think. I’m not there as a fashion statement or to be critiqued, I am there to swim and have fun. I’m covered and thats all that matters. I live in an apartment complex and for some reason they are more prone to stare. Dont know why but they are and they freakin know better than to stare at me. We’ve lived here for 5 years and they know I wont tolerate it. I dont care if your mama is there with you I will confront kids even. I’m not mean I am respectful and inform them they are not being very polite. Works usually unless you get a mama bear and we will occasionally have words but no big. No huge fights yet. LOL.

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