It’s that time of year again when I’m in hot pursuit of Awards You Wish You School Gave nominations for the 2012-2013 school year. Share them here in the comment section, on Facebook or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Here’s a look at last year’s winners.
Awards You Wish Your School Gave 2011-2012
No school year is complete without the end of year award ceremonies. Chances are very soon you’ll find yourself with your butt affixed to sticky bleachers or a rusty folding chair clapping for a child who has just received accolades for “Best Cafeteria Manners on Sub Sandwich Friday.” As you clap your silently praying, with a zealousness you haven’t displayed since last year’s mammogram when the radiologist tech told you she “saw something” and needed to take another x-ray,” that the lunch lady, who has the honor of handing out the award, will not see fit to take the microphone and give a speech about the importance of cafeteria courtesy. Not that you don’t appreciate the lunch lady, you truly do. It’s just that the award ceremony has hit the 126 minute mark and counting and both your butt checks went numb about 114 minutes into the ceremony. Because I believe our current educational and parenting philosophies are centered on the foundation of “there’s no such thing as too much praise.” I have started my very own series of awards. So without any further ado I present to you the Snarky in the Suburbs Awards You Wish Your School Gave.
The Pulling A Putin Award goes to the PTA, PTO, PT Whatever, President that can’t seem to deal with the jarring reality of not being Commander-in-Chief of her child’s school Parent/Teacher group. This person will go so far as to rewrite bylaws to ensure she stays in her position of power. If all else fails and she’s forced to surrender her sacred notebook she somehow manages to ensure that her BFF is the new President for the next year therefore establishing a puppet government where she’s still pulling all the strings. You can bet your cookie dough fundraiser that as soon as her besty’s term is up this gal is tan, rested and ready for another term as President. This award also comes with a doctor referral to seek immediate help at the nearest mental health facility. Anyone who would want to serve consecutive terms as a PTA president qualifies for a competency hearing.
Potty Mouth Parking Pin Head Award is presented to an elementary school secretary in East Texas who not only breaks the law every morning by not yielding the right of way. She also consistently exceeds the speed limit and insists on crossing 2 drop off lanes to get to, where else, but the closest parking space to the front entrance to the school. While she is doing this she ups the ante by flipping the bird to parents who roll down their window and shout, “slow down” or “be careful.” The person who nominated this paragon of stupidity enclosed an email sent to the school principal about the “problem.” The principal’s response expressed no concern for student safety, but instead chose to focus on that the email had “hurt his secretary’s feelings.” For that the principal receives a Commendation for Stupidity in the form of a pink slip.
Disappearing Volunteer Award is conferred on all those moms who sign up for everything and do nothing. You can see them on back-to-school night scribbling their name on every volunteer sheet. For some reason these moms gravitate to volunteering for the school fundraisers. They like to boast about their connections, name-dropping like a fool, sharing their over-the-top ideas, and flexing their fundraising prowess like a stripper working a greased pole at 1-buck Beer Night. What usually happens is these moms after getting past the initial meet and greet meeting stage and entering the “you have to produce some results” arena become incognito. Blaming work or family they ride off into the sunset leaving some committee member to clean up their mess.
The Passive Aggressive Parent Award is bestowed on those special few who fancy themselves super sweeties. They see themselves as just outrageously nice people who really, really care about the school and therefore believe that entitles them to send out the most vicious emails in the history of self-expression. Apparently they think it’s okay to write anything they want as long as one paragraph ends with the word Hugs with a smiley face icon or a “I don’t mean to upset you, but I just knew you would want to know” even better is the “I didn’t mean to throw you under the bus, but…” To all these parents your P.A.P. award is engraved with the following: “For Being a Huge Ass Hat – We Knew You Would Want to Know.”
Possip gets the Annoying Word Award. Legions of parents are now urging us to possip (spreading positive talk) instead of gossip. The problem is that people are confused about what defines gossip. Gossip is not a group of people sharing factual data about what went down in a PTA meeting that puts you in a bad light. That’s called the truth. Deal with it. You can’t possip your way out of being an idiot.
The Take a Chill Pill Award is granted to on all those anal retentive mothers who see a class party as a way to stake their claim on maternal greatness. Honorable mentioned to the mom who 10 minutes before a party handed out 2 pages of single spaced instructions to the other mother volunteers on how to run a tissue paper snowball relay race (Like it’s that hard it requires two pages of instructions?!) Second runner award goes to the mother who chooses to have the class party catered and then presented each mother with their “share of the bill.”
Parent Who Does Their Child’s School Project Award goes to the dad in my section of the burbs who built his child a life-size mastodon tusk. The children (not the parents) were supposed to construct small models of a tusk with either clay, Styrofoam or paper mache. This dad went all and built a 14-foot tusk. You should have seen him at school drop off. The tusk was so big it was hanging out of the bed of a pick up truck. When the dad parked and grabbed that faux pre-historic projectile he couldn’t have been more proud. You would have thought he was hoisting his penis instead of paper mache. He stopped traffic in the drop off zone and was all smiles bringing that big boy into the building. Sadly, the dad must have experienced a little shrinkage when the teacher told him; “There was no room in her class for a tusk of such majestic proportions.” Oops.
Worst Mom Outfit of the 2011-12 School Year I’ll give you a hint. What can multi-task as a Swiffer 360 duster, nightgown, pool cover up and is still considered, by some, as a fashion statement? If you guessed maxi dress then congratulations you are a winner. Now let’s take that maxi dress and pair it with some Ugg sheep shearling lined flip-flops, add in an immense bejeweled cross that, in effect, acts a decorative garland for your cleavage then you have a mom outfit that says, “help me.”
Let’s begin our fashion autopsy with the maxi dress. At first look, I’m all, “Hell yeah, the maxi dress rocks.” The cankle camo alone it provides has me ready to slip one on, but, the thing that stops me is the voluminous nature of the dress that would render me looking like I’m an unfurled sail on the S.S. Fatty. Another problem, the neckline. The maxi dress says Stripper on the top and Little House on the Prairie on the bottom. The dress, in an effort, to make up for Laura Ingalls Wilder of it all, features acute boobage. I have a rule that if a top is in a nipple adjacent or wardrobe malfunction zone than I’ll pass. I’m pretty sure, no make that I’m positive, no one wants to see my sun freckled (soon on their way to age spot status) shiny stretch marked upper to middle boob territory. To draw even more attention to the Mammary Mountain Range some moms feel inclined to nestle a cross that is bigger than their left breast into their cleavage zone. The cross and it’s chain drape decoratively across the chest as if their boobs are now a fireplace mantel being gussied up for Christmas. I know the cross for centuries has been displayed in some kind of decorative manner, but I really don’t think the religious symbol for Christianity was ever intended to be used as an ornamental showcase for a woman’s twin peaks.
Now let’s add in the Ugg Flip Flops to this mess. Right off, I’ve got to point out that flip-flops with a maxi dress constitutes a tripping hazard. More often than not that maxi dress is hitting the floor and I’ve seen more than one case of mom almost eating pavement due to the dress getting trapped in the back of the flip-flop zone. As for the Uggs they’re making their second appearance. Last year the Ugg boots made it to the worst dressed list and this year it’s the flip-flops because nothing says I’m a dumb ass like paying upwards of $100 for a pair of flip-flops that are “lined” in fur. Just what your feet crave in the 96 degree summer heat as they walk across a black asphalt parking lot that could fry an egg – a blanket.
The Worst Hot Mom Accessory this year is the mini bar narrowly beating out the Do It Yourself Vajazzle Kit. Shout outs to the Cali mom who travels on field trips with her own bedazzled portable min bar to “deal with the stress on the bus.” Classy.