So God Made a Snarky Mom

0aa7514fac51ea8108fe2b03467b48d7And on the 8th day God looked down at a PTA meeting and said, “I need a woman with some serious swagger. So God made a Snarky Mom.

God said I need somebody to get up before dawn, pack lunches, drive carpool, work all day, coach soccer and then storm the HOA meeting and tell them their cross hatched, mowing plan with grass cut to a precise 2 inch height rule was a bunch of bull crap. So God made a Snarky mom.

I need somebody with strong arms. Strong enough to hoist a 35 pound toddler out if its car seat with one hand because the other one is holding a 50 pound bag of dog kibble, yet gentle enough to roll out perfect sugar cookie dough. Somebody to referee pee wee basketball games, make a hot mom cantankerous by stepping on her glitter Uggs, come home hungry because all you’ve had to ingest all day is two Diet Cokes and have to wait for lunch because you now must hurry to the elementary school to fill in for the self-important mom who forgot – again – that she had signed up to volunteer in the classroom. So God made a Snarky mom.

God said, I need somebody that can shape an Invention Convention Competition project out of duct tape, fix tennis shoes with duct tape, make a book report out of duct tape, used poster board, and last year’s leftover Valentine’s Day stickers. And who at school fundraising time will finish her 40 hour day by Tuesday, noon, Then pain’n from carrying the Bissell Carpet Cleaner up two flights of stairs puts in another 72 hours plotting delicious revenge on a group of mothers attempting to get their husbands as judges for the Regional Science Fair. So God, made a Snarky mom.

God had to have somebody willing to mix it up at double speed at the PTA meeting, not afraid to get into a little throw down action during school drop off, and yet stop mid pot stirring when she sees a friend who needs her help. So God made a Snarky mom.

God said, I need somebody strong enough to silence a group of women from talking incessantly about vaginal rejuvenation yet gentle enough to tame teachers, make a child laugh and tend field trips . . . and who will stop working to haul ass to her kitchen to whip up 10 dozen cookies because the sugar-free moms are attempting to hi-jack the school bake school with bags of broccoli. So God made a Snarky mom.

It had to be someone who’d plan revenge scenarios intricate and complex and not cut corners. Somebody to seed, weed, and feed the weaker moms so they would learn to stand up for themselves. Somebody to replenish a sad mother’s soul with visions of payback and then finish a hard day’s work with a five-mile drive to a gated community to crash a vajazzle party masquerading as a school fundraiser. Somebody who’d keep a family together with the soft bonds of schemes, who’d laugh and then sigh and then respond with smiling eyes, when her daughter says she wants to spend her life doing what her mom does, So God made a Snarky mom.

***For all things wonderfully Snarky go to www.snarkygear.com where you can find the new winter Snarky line of clothing and accessories. (Flannel Snarky P.J.’s anyone?) Plus, there’s my book – Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. (Click here for purchase information.) Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.

11 thoughts on “So God Made a Snarky Mom

  1. Jill Lawson says:

    I’m going to be serious here for just a minute – I just wanted to say thank you to you, Snarky, and to your other Snarky Moms who follow you, for literally making me smile and even laugh out loud at a time when my life isn’t full of much laughter. Several months ago, my Mom was diagnosed with Lewy bodies dementia and since I just have one other sibling, we’ve been trying to keep her in her home for as long as possible. It is incredibly painful to watch your parent slowly slip away from you mentally, much less trying to drive 100 miles one-way every single weekend, take extra days off to take her to appointments, cover for my sibling having health issues, etc…. This disease is so incredibly heartless to rob someone of their very memories and I’m so thankful that I have you, Snarky, and your band of Snarkettes to make me smile/laugh every day! Thank you so much for this blessing and for being you with your incredible sense of humor, and of course, style! 🙂

  2. K.M. OSullivan says:

    …and it was good, said god, after checking out what he had done all from the the comfort of a cumulus recliner ;).

    My youngest heads to school in the fall. I think you need to write another book called the School Troublemaker How To.

  3. Michelle says:

    Thank you snarky. You have brought your special brand of snarkiness into my life and I will never be the same. Dealing with a husband who walked out 6 months ago I often dream of a snarky retaliation. I only wish I had your depth of snarkiness to help me through. But just reading your delightful story’s and updates is enough to keep me going, because I know Karma is one snarky bitch!
    Keep on keeping on!

  4. javaj240 says:

    Hijack the bake sale with bags of broccoli….love it! You should thank your lucky stars that you don’t live in NJ — oddly enough, home to the country’s most overweight Governor AND ridiculously restrictive state-mandated school food policy. Ugh!

  5. Cheryl Otto says:

    Dear Snarky,

    I am so glad there are others like me. When my daughter was in high school and on the soccer team, sometimes her lunch would be at 9:30 in the morning. Well, come after school, then game time at 5:15, these girls are ravished. Some of them can’t go home because they ride the bus or can’t drive. So I brought it up before the Activities Director to at least sell something reasonable after school for athletes to eat before competition. Sometimes if they had an away game they would not return to the school until 8:00 p.m. Well, it was a no. So I started preparing before every game either ham,turkey, or peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, fruit, pretzels, cookies, and drinks. The girls started to greet me in the parking lot because they knew food was coming. They were so appreciative. It paid off as well, the girls played well. They even took the leftovers to the games. A few years later , the school board decided that 9:30 was too early to feed them lunch so they moved the time to 10:00 but I still kept packing and they still kept eating. Sometimes you just have to step out of the box when you know it is right! Yes, I was a true Soccer Mom also!

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