If I Were the Supreme Ruler of Suburbia . . .

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Girls who make that ridiculous “Duck Face” while taking “selfies” would experience a 48 hour facial paralysis where their lips would stay frozen in “Duck Face” mode. Teaching them that parents who pay upwards of ten grand on braces except their daughters to smile not channel Daisy Duck. Any mother who engages in taking “selfies” and “duck facing” will lose her mom card and be forced to take middle school math all over again while eating meat loaf in the cafeteria.

No sleep overs or slumber parties would be allowed during flu season. Doctor’s orders.

Continuing with the germ theme – people who have let to learn or are too lazy to sneeze or cough into their elbow will be required to wear a Hazmat suit that spritzes medical grade Lysol in 30 second intervals until they can learn to cover their nose and mouth.

Parents who allow their younger children to dance, jump, boogie, stomp, sing and run relay races during their older siblings band/choir/school musical because their “little one is just such a cutie patootie!” Will be required by the school district to homeschool all their children for one six-week grading period before being allowed to re-enroll their kids back in school.

A cattle prod would be recognized by the Academy of Pediatrics as an acceptable method of getting your age 12 and above child out-of-bed in the morning.

Groundbreaking research by the National Institute for Health would reveal that Uggs cause cankles in three out of four females.

Do It Your Selfers who DO NOT size wallpaper before hanging it therefore making it next to impossible to remove without the benefit of thermonuclear technology would be hunted down and made to serve a six month sentence in the equivalent of a Guantánamo Bay style facility for Home Improvement Half Assers. Instead of water boarding these DIY enemy combatants will be doing hard time in an 8 X 10 cell covered in layers upon layers of un-sized wall paper which they will have to remove armed only with one bottle of Dif Wallpaper Spray and a scraper. Prison terms also apply for anyone who has tiled a bathroom  without putting down a water barrier and any fool who willingly textured their ceiling with “cottage cheese.”

When your high school age child is tardy for school the sign in “excuse” sheet will have  the “My kid is late because he was a huge ass this morning” as a line item.

People who don’t return shopping carts to the store or cart “corral” but instead let them free range in the parking lot will be forced to work as a Walmart Greeter on Black Friday.

The perfect “Why Can’t Everyone Be Like Me” mom who volunteers so much at the elementary school that she knows the contents of every kids’ lunch box and feels the need to comment or offer unsolicited parenting advice when a mom has packed her kid a (Gasp!) Smuckers Uncrustable with a Capri Sun chaser. She’s also been known to initiate a school lock down when a kid peels the top off of a Nacho Cheese Lunchable. Her flawless parenting style, of course, has her kids eating hand rolled sushi made with sustainably harvested seafood from the Ocean of Happy. This mom for being way, way too obsessed about the contents of other children’s lunch boxes would be mandated to volunteer at a soup kitchen, community garden or food bank to put her zeal for heathy choices to good use and get her out of my business because sometimes there are mornings when you’re going to throw a peanut butter and jelly Uncrustable in the lunch box. It’s called survival.

I could go on and on, but carpool calls. What would your list look like?

Love the Snark?  Read the book!  Wear the T-shirts!  All you need to do is click here www.snarkygear.com. for all things deliciously snarky.

Here’s a little lookie-loo at Snarky in the Suburbs Back-to-School:

The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.

 If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you.

To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.

 

10 thoughts on “If I Were the Supreme Ruler of Suburbia . . .

  1. Jeannene says:

    Oye! My rant is for the moms that wear the “new” cut/style of yoga pants that ride up their cheeks. Good LORD! It’s so far up their butt, it just might come out their mouth. And it is always perfectly paired with a face full of makeup and Uggs. I mean, don’t we all put on fake lashes to work out?!

  2. peachyteachy says:

    Moms who bring gluten-free ice cream sandwiches plus all-organic beet juice colored Shirley Temples as the baseball team “snack” will disappear into a strategically placed trapdoor when they raise one archy little eyebrow about my lame-ass granola bars plus a gallon of spring water.

  3. Rhiannon says:

    Doorbells that detect fundraiser fingers. I do not need overpriced bakeware, wrapping paper or raffle tickets. Unless you are selling wine. Then I’m interested in supporting whatever organization you are promoting.

  4. Denise P says:

    Hear Hear on the high school tardy excuse. Bonus could be used for middle school too!
    I also lOOOve the cattle prod idea and I even have one in the garage. Yeah me!
    My rant would be the parents that are so sure that their kids are being picked on daily and believe they have perfect kids. Oh what I would give for a video camera in the halls and at lunch where their perfect darlings are in reality such brats. And yes, I teach middle school. Unfortunately the apples really don’t fall far from the tree. And in full disclosure, my kids are not perfect and probably deserve all the detentions they have earned.

  5. Janice says:

    How about the mommies who dress like their teen (and sometimes preteen) daughters? You know, the skin tight shirts and low rise pants? The little pants and shorts with writing on the butt? I wonder what could be a suitable punishment…….

  6. Laura says:

    “Duck Face” while taking “selfies” ..what that what??? I don’t have a daughter so I must be missing something. Translation please?

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