Snarky Writes a Book

snarkburbsIt almost killed me – I’m talking worse than an epidural that stopped working midway through labor – but I finally finished my book! You may think writing the book was the hard part, but NO, it was correcting all the grammar (Dear comma, I hate you.), spelling and spacing errors. I always thought I was a little bit of an idiot based on hard data like my SAT scores and college GPA, but after sending chapters of my book out to be proofed and re-proofed by “Team Snarky” it was confirmed, that, I am indeed, a moron. Almost as bad was formatting the text for Amazon. Hey CIA, forget waterboarding as a form of torture. Here’s what you should do to get a confession from a terrorist – make them take a 200 plus page document and try to squeeze it on an Amazon templet. Sweet mother of God, it was horrible. Every time I tried to fix an indentation or a spacing issue it would mess something else up. You know you’ve cried a lot when your Diet Coke taste salty. Then, when I think I’ve gotten everything just perfect I go to my son’s, much better computer, (Because, of course, my children have superior technology. Raise your hand if you have the crappiest phone in your family.) to do a final lookie loo and his grammar check thing finds MORE errors. At this point I had to take a mental health break. I got in my car, turned on the soothing butt heat, ate almost half of tin of Christmas cookies (a neighbor had brought over) and drove to Target.

Finally, I get the digital version good to go and start on the paperback. I get all the files uploaded and Amazon shoots out a price of what it will cost to print the 6 x 9 paperback. FIFTEEN DOLLARS!  Are you kidding me! Sure, the book is 60,000 words, but $15? I thought I might stroke out and yelled for my son to bring the blood pressure monitor my in-laws had left behind during their last visit. He came over to my computer, gave me one of those superior looks that teenagers save just for their mothers, and said, “Just shrink the font size” in a voice that said, “God, why is my mother such a loser?”

Shrink away I did. I went as low as a 6 point, but I figured no one over the age of 22 would have good enough eye-sight to read it. I settled on 10 point font and played with the margins. It was all about saving paper to get the price down. The lowest I could get  it to is $11.95 and I’m still not happy about.

Here is some stuff you need to know about the book. First, it is fiction. Did some of this stuff happen? Yes. Do I want to get sued? No. I had to do one of those Law and Order-ish disclaimers in the front of the book. Longtime blog readers will also notice some character description changes (specifically Jacardia). Once again, done for the whole fear of legal action thing. Secondly, IT IS a book. It is not a collection of my blogs shoved into a book. Would I do that to you? No, I would not. When you start reading the book you might say to yourself, “Crap, I’ve seen this before.” Well, keep reading because in the first chapter I use the PTA Mom Coffee that I’ve already written about to set up the book – BUT there are changes in it and new characters introduced.  Say hello to Croc Mom, Heather and Jasper. Some characters, you love to hate like my odious neighbor Barbara Gray are not in this book. (If all goes well you’ll see Barbara in another book slated for late summer.)

Here’s a little teaser for Snarky in the Suburbs – Back to School.

The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.

 If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you.

 What I’m asking you to do right now is go to Amazon and buy the book. Due to a survey I did on my blog the consensus was to set the digital price at $4.99. (I was thinking $3.99, but was overruled.) The paperback version, I think, will take a couple of days before you can order it. Amazon has set the price at $11.95 (sorry). For those of who with Nooks – Barnes & Noble takes six freaking weeks before they will have it for the Nook. If you have an iPhone you can get the app Kindle for iPhone for free and read Snarky on your phone. (Just google “Kindle for iPhone.)

But wait there’s more – I need a favor(s). If you would be so kind after reading the book to go on Amazon and write a review AND spread the word however you can about the book. I know this is asking a lot. Please note that I value and so respect your intelligence and time, that I have never begged you to go vote for my blog in some “funny mom” blog contest or any other such inane pursuits. I’m now abandoning that restraint and shamelessly asking you to go plug my book.

I started writing Snarky as a way to complain to someone other than my husband and ended up making lots of new friends! Thank you everyone for sharing your enthusiasm for Snarky, your own stories and your encouragement! It’s good to know, we are not alone and that yes, we are all in this parenting game (for better or worse) – together.

Team Snarky rules!

40 thoughts on “Snarky Writes a Book

  1. meadow68 says:

    Dear Snarky –
    Next time ask for help with the book layout. I do that for a living all day, every day. I’m very good and would have been happy to help you out! I am sure this will be a great book!

  2. meadow68 says:

    Dear Snarky – Next time ask for help with the book layout! I worked in publshing for 13 years and did that for a living. Dealing with nothing but text on white pages sounds like a super easy and fun thing to do (ever see your kids’ textbooks with all the photos and icons and colors? Yeah those are the nightmares I am used to – don’t get me started on the teachers editions). I could have done it for you or at least fixed the worst bits super quick. So ask next time! This will be an awesome book, I know it!

  3. Sheri says:

    Hi, Snarky – I am ordering it on my Kindle the minute I get home. I can’t wait to read it and share it with friends. Congrats on achieving this huge milestone!

  4. Jill Fitzpatrick says:

    Just bought the kindle edition. Hey, can I make a suggestion? Get on as a “goodreads author”. I’m on goodreads as a reader, and I know they have certain authors designated “goodreads author” and promoted as such to goodreads readers. I’m not sure how you go about becoming a “goodreads author” but it can’t be too hard to figure out (you figured out how to write a freakin’ BOOK!). I think it may be as simple as creating a page for yourself and your book(s) on goodreads. It’ll be another way to get the word out.

  5. Jill says:

    Hey Snarky! I just ordered it on my kindle and added it to my books list as “currently reading”. You might want to look into becoming a “goodreads author” as another means to promote it. The book is already in the goodreads system! Off to write a FB post about the book, too.

  6. Dana says:

    just ordered for my iPad – i’ve never used the kindle app before but i think you’re worth it. oh, i also plan to buy the paperback for my mom, my daughter and my sister-in-law as soon as it comes out.

  7. Nicole Brown says:

    Just purchased it with my lingering gift card……..will be reading it tonight when I’m taking the van load of cub scouts to the old folks home to sing Christmas carolling… much better than a bunch of boys singing off tune!!

  8. Paige says:

    I’m glad they priced it at $11.95…Your work is worth so much more!!… I wouldn’t buy a book that only cost $3.99. What could be in it that’s worth reading if they’re only charging $3.99??
    L’Oreal, babe… because you’re worth it…. 😉
    Hugs and Congrats!

  9. Jane says:

    Since I’m the last living person on planet earth without a smart phone, nook, kindle or tablet, I’ll be running right out to buy the paperback; and I think this will make an incredible Christmas gift for my girlfriends. Thanks, Snarky, for speaking to me where I live ….

  10. Jules says:

    Love it! Ordered on my kindle yesterday, started reading this morning! I’m getting really annoyed when life keeps interrupting my reading time. Congrats!! It’s great!

  11. Jodie says:

    I finished it last night on my Kindle (the original plain one – not a fancy techno pad like the kids have) and LOVE it! I can’t wait for the next one. This will definitely be a go to when I need a good laugh. I don’t want to give anything away but I thought I was going to spit my diet coke all over when I got to the chapter about the yardwork. I’ll attempt to put a together a review on Amazon for you!

  12. nicole s says:

    ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE BOOK! I laughed till I cried in some parts. I cant wait until my sister in law finishes it so we can make Snarky references while enduring school functions. Review left at Amazon and I am talking it up amongst my friends. Bring on the next one!

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