HGTV You’re Killing Me

Plagued by guilt because I haven’t posted the end to Snarky Saves the World just yet here is little something new in the form of a post I did for The Detailed Decorator site last month.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my HGTV and I have the DIY scars and bruises to prove it. What I can’t stand are those house hunting shows. Sure, House Hunters is okay and House Hunters International is acceptable if it isn’t some 30 something couple looking to buy their 3rd vacation home in Bali. (I mean really show some common decency.) What drives me crazy are those inane first time home buyer shows like Property Virgins and most especially My First Place. If you really want to asses the intellectual quality of America’s younger generation don’t examine college graduation rates or employment stats all you need to do is look no further than these two shows to discover a hearty collection of 20 to early 30 something idiots.

The dumbest of the bunch are the couples that are looking to buy a home while planning and paying for a “princess” wedding and “fairy tale” honeymoon. Where are these kids parents? Someone over the age of 40 needs to sit them down and explain a few things. Primarily, you can’t have everything. Maybe, just maybe,  you need to, in no particular order, get a handle on your student loan debt, tie the knot, write all your thank you notes, pay off your wedding and honeymoon bills and if you’re still, after all that, speaking to each other then you can proceed onto the perilous and stress filled emotional journey of homeownership.

The most annoying and delusional are the young women who in every house hunting expedition wail upon walking into the kitchen and discovering (gasp!) that the countertops aren’t granite. You see them stomp their flip-flop clad feet, arch their tramp stamped back and cry out, “But I wanted granite!” All while giving their realtor the evil eye for daring to show them a non granite surface. Never mind that they’re in the market for a home that cost $65,000. It should still have a brand new kitchen with stainless steel appliances, enough granite to fill up the Flintstone rock quarry, and of course, an 8 foot island.

Coming in a close second to the whining granite gals are the couples that walk into every home and utter in unison, “This would be good for entertaining.” I’ve done an inventory on this saying and almost everyone on these home buying shows are all “looking for a home where they can entertain.” Really?  Who “entertains” that much where that would be one of your top 2 home “must haves”? I’ve seen how people entertain, I know how I entertain, and as long as you have alcohol and some dips (especially the artichoke and spinach one) and chips from Costco it’s all good. Seriously, you could watch My First Place and Property Virgins and do a drinking game. Every time someone uttered,”But I wanted granite in the kitchen” or “This would be good for entertaining” you would take a shot and trust me you’d be highly inebriated by the end of the show.

These house hunting shows have also given birth to a new way to measure someone’s I.Q. Sure, it’s not as reliable as the traditional I.Q. test, but the “Gateway to Being a Functioning Adult” quiz (trademark pending) is a sure indicator of intelligence. The test is super simple all you do is have a person above the age of 25 enter a home that is super cute, but painted disgusting colors and ask them if they think they could live there. If the person comments that the house is nice, but will need some paint then that person passes the test. If the person enters the home and goes off on the wall colors like, I don’t know, they’ve just been told their student loan is due in full in 24 hours, then they have failed the test. Because if you’re so lacking in cranial matter, imagination or common sense that you can’t envision priming and painting some walls to make a home look better than you are, indeed, not a high functioning member of adult society and should not be allowed to own a home or really even be left alone with sharp objects.

So, thanks HGTV for providing programming that leaves me just a wee bit wary for the intellectual future of our country. If you’re interested I have a new show idea for you. When Realtors Kill because I have no doubt there is not a realtor out there that after spending time showing homes to such a varied collection of idiots hasn’t been tempted to add murder to their MLS repertoire.

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