Based on my real life with some very ill-mannered aliens thrown in.
It’s only the first month of summer and so far I’ve sat through a trio of action adventure movies. It’s not that I don’t like action or adventure it’s just that I’m think the formula of some men and a random chick kicking all sorts of alien butt needs to be shaken up a bit. The epic battle I would like to see would be Aliens vs. Moms or more specifically Aliens vs. Snarky. Yes, I want to see a movie featuring me (sure it’s a little narcissistic, but hey, it’s my blog) as played by Sandra Bullock (of course she’ll need some prosthetic cankles as I’ll, oops, I mean Sandra, will be wearing capri track pants during most of the film) taking some disgusting life forms intent on harming earth and giving them the mother of all beat downs.
I really think I’ve got a great idea going here, like blockbuster great, so if any of you have a second cousin who works at the Starbucks where some big Hollywood type sends their assistant to fetch a venti cappuccino tell them to share the Snarky. I’m not asking for much, maybe just write the website address on the lid or something. I’m doing Hollywood a major favor. The Mom Movie market is where it’s at. Who pays for all the movie tickets of anyone ages 0 to 18? Moms. Who takes the kids to all the movies? Moms. Who wants to see a movie that’s not a lame rom/com? Moms. Seriously, how long has it been since there’s been a decent romantic comedy? And if you think New Year’s Eve was a comedy I would beg to differ. So, here’s just a taste of my science fiction/action adventure – Snarky Saves the World.
INTERIOR SCHOOL CAFETERIA LATE AFTERNOON. 8 moms are seated at a cafeteria table while their kids run around the room. The camera zooms on our hero, Snarky rolling her eyes while breathing through a tissue.
Okay, scratch that – I can’t write this in script form. It will give me a headache. All the set ups, dialogue and camera pans to the right stuff – yuck. I’m going back to traditional Snarky mode which is me complaining about stuff and the ensuing fall out. So, here’s the do over or as they say in Hollywood – Take Two.
Why does every school cafeteria smell the same like dirty mop bucket water, boy feet and rancid Twinkie? (BTW a Twinkie would not have the “opportunity” to go rancid on my watch.) I’m having to take hits of Gain Febreze to make it through this emergency PTO board meeting. What? You never taken hits of Febreeze? It goes like this; you grab a Kleenex or toilet paper (in a crisis of stench you can’t be choosy), take the travel size Febreze from your purse, soak the Kleenex with Febreze then hold it up to your nose and take a couple of very deep nasal inhales. It’s the ultimate cleaning breath, my friends.
Also, on my Why list – Why do school meetings have to be in the cafeteria? What’s wrong with the library? Is the library too good for the parents? Are we not worthy of chairs? Are we doomed to perch our adult size butts on tiny round cafeteria seats that are attached to the table? But, the biggest “Why” of all was – Why do moms try to make money off the backs of children? Because that’s why I’m trapped in an elementary school cafeteria on a beautiful, breezy, late spring Tuesday afternoon, 30 minutes after the bell has rung, talking about yet, another new P.T.O. fundraising idea – “Scents for School” (candles, those scent sticks, plug-ins etc). P.T.O. Fundraising chairperson and sister-wife to Satan Charity Turner (for a deep background on Charity read The Reverse Stubing.) is all over “Scents for School” because it’s a calorie/gluten/sugar-free fundraising alternative and therefore far superior to the cookie dough, pizza, candy, bake sales etc. the school has. Charity managed to leave out that “Scents for Schools” was a subsidiary of “Superior Scents” which she is a direct sales representative for and if “Scents for Schools” is approved as a fundraiser she would be getting a tidy little personal profit based on the pyramid sales structure.
I’m tempted to not even bring up that point because I’m so anxious to get out of the meeting. My 10-year-old daughter is giving me the “I’m going to die if I don’t get a snack soon” eye. Which is nothing compared my 14-year-old son’s “glares of doom.” He and two of his friends, the uber nerdy Hyatt and Grace, who is a couple of years away from becoming gorgeous, have walked over from the high school to catch a ride home and I know they’re getting muy impatient based on the latest text I got that reads; “I would kill myself if I lived your life and had to go to a meeting about citrus scented candles. Hurry up!” I texted back, “I would kill myself if I had 2 hours of Algebra homework.” But, both kids had a point it was time to wrap up this meeting. I had listened to Charity sing the praises of perfumed wax long enough and I was more than ready to stop looking at her. This “wanna be hot mom” of two with a very unfortunate hair highlights (they looked orange in the direct sun.) had on black yoga pants, with a leopard thong you could see every time she bent over to take out a candle from her “Scents for School” bag, fur-lined Ugg clogs, and a tight black Nike t-shirt that reads, “Come and Get Some.” What we supposed to come and get – crabs? A free feel of her silicone breasts? I think I speak for all of America when I say we’ll take a pass on getting anything Charity has to offer. Just as I was ready to raise my hand and ask for the topic of the Scents for Schools fundraiser to be tabled until the general PTO meeting next week emergency sirens went off. You know the ones that get tested the first Wednesday of every month at 11 a.m. and that you never pay attention to. Well, it wasn’t Wednesday and it wasn’t the first of the month so we all looked at one another, grabbed the kids and hauled ass to the school basement.
Snarky Saves the World – Part 2 coming soon.