Here’s a Snarky throwback. Ah, the tale of revenge I got on Katie Kirkpatrick. Years have gone by but this still brings a smile to my face. Enjoy.
If I can teach you anything it would be to not rush seeking revenge. It’s human to want to immediately strike back. But, whoever said “revenge is a dish best served cold” knew what they were talking about. Patience pays off. I waited a long six months before I shattered Katie Kirkpatrick’s perfect little world. I watched for the prime opportunity to crush her and it came during spring break. Every March Katie and her family of five make their yearly pilgrimage to Disneyland. Two weeks before she leaves for vacation she treats everyone within a one mile radius to quips like, “The happiest family on earth is going to the happiest place on earth!” Gag. Two days before they load up their mini-van with the “bestmom” license plate Katie starts wearing Mickey Mouse ears around town. She, of course, has a collection of Mouse ears that date back to 1992. I just smiled at her antics and counted down the days until I could begin Operation Payback.
As far as revenge scenarios go this one was pretty simple. My main objective was to strike Katie where it would hurt the most – her snooty pride. Due to the current economic climate, I live in an area where a lot parents have “left” their jobs as CEO’s and Presidents to become “consultants” and every mom that was a kick ass realtor now works as a “retail specialist” at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Katie, besides dissing me with her short sale gossip back in September was unmercifully cheery whenever someone become a “consultant” or “retail sales specialist.” She would drip artificial, condescending concern as she spread the news that someone else had been kicked to the curb by the economy with little bon mots like this; “Oh my God, did you hear Marybeth’s husband lost his job? I was told not to repeat this but, I’m so worried about her I just wanted to let everyone know so they can be super nice to her, that they were already behind on their mortgage so I don’t think they’ll be in the neighborhood much longer. What do you think – should we start a canned food drive for them?” Yes, by all means lets take this family’s pain and embarrass them, rub their nose in it, with a freaking canned food drive. The very worst is that she would say stuff to people’s kids. That’s more than crossing the line it’s a call to action. My joy was boundless as her mini-van pulled out of her drive-way on the first Saturday of spring break because it meant my plan could go into action.
Step one: Gather supplies. I had readied my supplies months earlier and hidden them away awaiting this special day. My tools of revenge included: two realtor signs, glossy home for sale sheets that show the inside of the home, balloons (that I needed to get blown up) and a flag banner. Because I consider myself a professional when it comes to exacting revenge I had done all my print work 2 months earlier. Due to watching way too many crime procedurals over the years that show detectives tracing back whodunit by comparing the ink on printers I did all my printing up at the elementary school workroom. Good luck tracking down who used that bad boy. In case you’re worried I wasted precious tax payer purchased school ink on my nefarious deed – relax. I left ten dollars in the teacher’s smile jar and I brought my own paper. Once I had my supplies assembled all I needed to do was wait for the cover of darkness.
Step two: Decorate. At around 2 a.m. dressed in my husband’s black ski jacket with a black wool ski hat, gloves and a dog leash (In case someone asks me what I’m doing out at this hour I’m going to use the leash as “cover.” As in, “I let my dog outside to do her business and she ran off.”) I drive my car close to Katie’s house and park behind a grove of pine trees. I open the back of my car take out the realtor sign, shove it in her yard and put the glossy, full color, home for sale sheets in their holder. I run back to my car and get a bouquet of mylar balloons and attach them to the sign along with the flag banner. I haul back to my car again, check to make sure I’m not being followed, drive to the entrance of her subdivision and put up another realtor sign with more balloons and then return home.
Step Three: Church. The Sunday morning gossip was hot enough to set the burning bush on fire again. Loads of concerned church folk were all talking about the sign in Katie yards and the “fact sheets” that accompanied it. I acted very surprised and saddened by what I heard and then suggested to someone who then suggested to the minister that a prayer request be made for her family during the church service. I was all for that. Katie really needed help from the almighty to ensure she didn’t suffer eternal damnation in the afterlife. You might thinking what about me and all the stuff I’ve pulled? Well, I like to think I’m doing the Lord’s work – just a bit.
Step Four: Social Media. While in church some kind soul offered to start a Facebook page for Katie and her family called: Help Katie Kirkpartick. I’m can’t be sure, but I think it was one my friends that recommended it (It sounded rehearsed. Almost as if she had been put up to it by someone. Hmm, I wonder who?) An eager beaver mom took the Facebook idea and ran with it. By the end of day the “Help Katie Kirkpatrick page” had 653 “likes.”
Step Five: Katie Comes Home. Sadly, Katie’s vacation to Disneyland was cut short. It seems many, many concerned people, texted, called, e-mailed, and Facebooked her about her plight. Bewildered she came home and this is what she found in her yard:
A huge foreclosure sign from the First Union bank. (I had googled and made sure there was no First Union bank. Well, there was but, it had gone into insolvency which meant my butt was covered.). At first glance the sign read F U. That’s because the F in First and the U in Union were gianormous. Even worse were the sales information sheets. Now, usually those sheets try to show the best your home has to offer, but not these. Poor Katie, it seems she has some hoarding issues that need to be dealt with. These pictures showed piles of crap everywhere and one even had what looked like a rodent, the size of a small pony, peeking out from behind a stack of newspapers. It just about broke your heart to see a woman living like that. One mom on the Help Katie Kirkpatrick Facebook page posted: “Maybe she should spend less time volunteering up at the elementary school and more time cleaning her home.” I made sure to not only “like” that comment, but add, “From you lips to God’s ear.” The fact that not one person yanked the sign out of Katie’s yard or threw away the realtor “info sheets” spoke volumes.
The first day of school after spring break Katie was still livid. A bunch of moms had crowded around her as she raged against who had done this to her. I walked right up to her, put my arm around her and said, “Sweetie, it’s okay. You don’t have to pretend anymore. Home foreclosure is nothing to be ashamed of. Should we start a canned food drive?” That’s when she knew I had done it and I couldn’t have been happier.
***For all things wonderfully Snarky go to www.snarkygear.com where you can find the new Spring/Summer Snarky line of clothing and accessories. Plus, there’s my book – Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. (Click here for purchase information.) Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good. Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival. If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.